Young widow due to sudden death (early 30s)

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  • #20728
    bereavedwife
    Participant

    Hi there,

    I lost my soulmate early this year due to a sudden, freak accident. My partner was so full of life, so alive, that I cannot fathom that one day he just didn’t come home and he still doesn’t come home. He was my perfect person, I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have met him and to be with him, yet in the same vein, I’m confused and still in shock that he’s no longer here.

    I feel so incredibly alone, as none of my friends have experienced the loss of the partner at my age. We were making plans for the future – buying a house, children and travelling – and now that he’s no longer here, I don’t see what the purpose of my existence is. Our lives were just about to get started. All my friends are making plans, now that we are “living with” COVID and I hate that everyone’s lives keep moving, whilst my world has stopped. Whilst everyone reached out at the beginning of my partner’s death, now that months have passed, it’s so quiet and isolating. My friends that do reach out also say the wrong things, but I guess they are trying their best. My friend connected me with an older widow in her 60s, but I found it depressing because our circumstances are different.

    I’ve tried to look for online support groups, but most skew older and it is difficult to relate. Even typing this is an out of body experience, sometimes I can’t even cry. Wanted to know if there is anyone of similar age that is going through the same experience as I am? The advice that I’ve been given is one day at a time, but I find that so miserable when everyone else is making plans. I go to work but I don’t see the purpose of it, because previously I worked hard so that my partner and I can have a wonderful life and now it feels meaningless without him.

Viewing 7 replies - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • #21044
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi widowerat45 and welcome, I’m glad you feel safe here, I know it can be hard to talk about.
    I think night time is the worst for many of us. For me it’s the early hours between 2-5am.
    “the tigers come at night, soft as thunder” I get that. That’s why I have background music on all the time.
    Bravo for the healthy routine but oh my, you performed cpr on your own wife, that’s a lot to unpack.
    I hope others will respond soon, thinking of you also bereavedwife and all reading xx

    #21015
    widowerat45
    Participant

    I know exactly how you feel.

    My wife died from Covid earlier this year. She was just 45.

    Fine on Monday, but tested positive… a little worse on Tuesday and then between me checking on her ( Less than an hour) on Wednesday morning, I found her on the floor…
    I did CPR for almost 20 minutes before help arrived.
    Now she’s gone … and I’m so lost … and alone…
    The nights are the worst… the tigers come at night, with their voices soft as thunder…

    I’m trying to find purpose and meaning… exercising hard for the endorphins… eating right … but I’m just going through the motions each day…

    She was my everything…

    #20852
    childatheart
    Participant

    Hi there berevedwife,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. I am in my 30s and have lost both my parents which I have struggled with and am still struggling to deal with. I don’t have a similar situation to yours other than we have both lost people we love, but I hope I can offer comfort in your time of need.

    First of all the feelings we go through when we lose somebody can be confusing and my advice is to not try and make sense of them. It’s better to just let the feelings come and deal with them as they happen. I know that you say that your friends say the wrong things but you are right, I’m sure they are trying their best and simply don’t know what to say which is understandable if they haven’t experienced losing a loved one or somebody close. In fact, situations like this tend to make people uncomfortable and if they aren’t linked to your situation personally, there’s a level of detachment and perhaps even ignorance though most likely they are unaware of this or how they are coming across.

    We often look for answers when we lose somebody and seek out comfort from people who we put a lot of faith in giving us the answers we need or the words we want to hear. The truth is that we are all different and we deal with things differently. One thing we all have in common here is that we are grieving, that we have lost loved ones but we all deal with that grief in our own way and process our thoughts and feelings differently. The important thing to remember is that people who reach out are showing their support and in doing so, also showing that you are not alone and that you have people that love and care about you.

    You may feel like you’re floating in space right now with no clear sense of direction or purpose and that’s understandable. Things might not make sense for a while and that’s okay. It’s okay to feel, to just be and not have all the answers. One thing I can say (and this is something I have learned) is don’t worry about what everybody else is doing in their lives especially those around you because the truth is that we are all different and on different life paths. I know you said that you were planning the next stages with your partner and it hits hard emotionally when you see others doing just that, but at this time it’s important to take care of YOU. So focus on yourself and don’t worry about others.

    Grieving is as an individual experience as the person going through it. I personally don’t believe in the “stages” of grief and I think you just need to take your time in processing things and don’t forget to show yourself some love and care. Again, now is the time to look after you and do what’s best for you.

    Were all here for you anytime you need support.

    #20736
    vmmolly
    Participant

    Dear Bereavedwife,
    We are so glad that you have reached out to us here on the forums and our hearts go out to you at this sad and difficult time. You described your partner as being your ‘soulmate’ and ‘perfect person’ which portrays your deep connection to each other and the love and care you felt for him. I sincerely feel for you with the huge losses you are living with, and your sense of isolation.

    It is very common for people experiencing grief to be on a rollercoaster of emotions including confusion, sadness, shock and disbelief. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to feel the emotions as they surface. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, it is a very personal journey for everyone.

    Taking one day at a time is not always easy to hear, however, it can at times help us to take the pressure off ourselves in thinking we should be coping or managing in a particular way within a certain frame. Hoping this may help, as another perspective maybe.

    You may find the following articles from our resource’s hub useful

    Coping with Loss https://griefline.org.au/resources/coping-with-loss/

    EAST – Connect to Health Routines https://griefline.org.au/resources/east-toolkit/

    Reaching out for support can be a daunting task, and it is a testament to your strength and courage that you are willing reach out to others here.

    Please stay in touch, and know that we are here for you.

    #20739
    VM- thanasis43
    Participant

    Hi @bereavedwife,

    Thank you for joining us on the forums and sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry to hear of the sudden, painful and life-changing loss you have experienced. Typically, we feel such luck at meeting a soulmate and receiving their love in return, but we never envision losing them at a young age. When something so out of our control happens it really does feel like our world has been turned upside down and our brain struggles to compute that we now have to rewrite the story we imagined for ourselves, which hurts like hell.

    It sounds like you so treasured your partner and his positive attributes while he was alive and it’s incredibly normal to be confused by the idea that he is no longer here to bring your many plans to fruition. It can feel like a cruel blow that other people’s plans are going ahead when your plans have to change, but you should know that you are definitely not alone in what you are feeling. Our forum is here for you and we also invite you to call Griefline on 1300 845 745 any time you would like to chat to someone or feel you need support.

    There have been other posts on the forum in the past, where people have experienced the early loss of their soulmate. I’m not sure whether @Heather @TashM or @JackM or @tiki2072016 might still be about, but they have previously shared their stories and support on such loss in other forum posts, which you may find helpful to read and connect on:

    I lost my husband / I feel like there is no positive future/ nothing feels okay

    Lost my partner a month ago tomorrow

    You may also like to check out the resources on Coping with Grief on the Griefline website, if you haven’t already, and Understanding Trauma, as it sounds like you are still in some shock, which again, is very normal.

    Whilst in shock, try to remember to do the little things that will support your mental and physical health, like eating properly and sleeping as well as you can. There are some resources on the Griefline website that offer tips for managing this too.

    Please keep talking. We are here for you in your time of grief.

    #20754
    VM-Mancha1
    Participant

    Hello @bereavedwife,

    I am so sorry for your loss, and what strength you are showing by sharing this story. It can be so isolating to go through a grief experience that other people don’t understand, and even though the feelings you describe are completely normal, that doesn’t mean other people know how to respond to them. Your instinct to find support groups is a great one, even if the person they lost might be different, many of the challenges people face can be quite similar, and many of the strengths that carry us through are ones we don’t see, at first. Finding a way to focus on our strengths and use them to make our way towards feeling better is a great step to take – this page will help you, if you haven’t found this already: https://griefline.org.au/resources/grief-recovery-part-2-recognise-and-engage-your-strengths/

    I’d also encourage you to look through the GriefLine forums and read the stories from others who’ve shared here; all our losses are different, even if their relationship to us is the same, and hearing how others are feeling and coping can really help to not feel quite so isolated.

    I hope you post again soon and let us know how you’re going.

    #20740
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi bereavedwife, bravo for posting, that takes courage, other’s will reply soon I’m sure. Hugs meantime.
    I’m grieving the recent loss of my son and still very much in disbelief each morning that I won’t hear his voice or see him again.
    Although different, he, we, had plans too, and yes his circle of friends keep on living in despite of his loss, the world relentlessly keeps turning.
    My relationship with friends has also changed, everything has changed forever, I just cannot picture another moment without him , how can it be so.
    I too tried to find online support groups but had the opposite challenge, my son was over 18yrs so I was no longer eligible.
    Yeah, one day at a time or more like one minute at a time and 4 seasons in one day, least that’s how many of us here feel.
    Even the moons and stars seem meaningless without him, but I’m here, reaching out ’cause I know I’m not alone xx

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