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The days feel like they are getting more and more difficult to get through. I still really struggle to even accept that she’s gone. I feel like I’ve lost any purpose I had to life at all, I don’t see a point anymore. I feel like I’m letting her down by feeling so down all the time, she wouldn’t want me to be sad but how can I not be.
We had a future planned together, she only just finished university when she first got sick and things were perfect between us, we had our whole lives ahead of us. I can’t imagine life without her and feel very guilty that I’m the one still here. It feels like the worlds still spinning, everyones getting on with their lives but I’m stuck in place, hell I can’t even spend more than a minute in our room. I don’t understand why things had to end up like this. She was always the one I could go to when times got tough and we always made it through but I just don’t know anymore. It absolutely kills me to think that the girl I wanted to spend my life with and have so many memories with isn’t here anymore, I long for her all day and all night.
Don’t know why I’m so nervous for tomorrow, it just never gets any easier, there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. I think I try to let people know that I’m not coping at all with being alone but I think I’m a broken record now and everyone has their own lives to go on with. I call a hotline like every other night and just thinking of that makes me sad too. I did a safety plan with my counsellor too, which makes me realise how bad things are too, nothing seems to be good at all.
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