January 18, 2021 at 7:11 pm #13995HeatherParticipant
My name is Heather and my husband died in November 2020. Easily the worst year of my life. I have 2 children to look after and I can’t hardly breathe I feel so overcome with sadness, fear, anxiety, hopelessness, loneliness, alienation, and distress.
I can’t hardly get out of bed let alone make a decision on what to do with all of his belongings. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat.
I have a million things running through my head constantly like “ how can we survive financially and in every way”, “how am I going to clear out all of his belongings”
( he was a painter so we gave a Ute in the drive way, tressels. Tins of paint and everything else a painter who owned a business had.” How can I be okay with being alone forever with 2 children”, “ why would I want to live a life alone forever”. “ how can I go back to work on the 2nd February when my spirit is broken and I’m finding everything difficult to do”. “ how can I change my children’s schools due to affordability when so much else in their lives has changed and is upside down”.Getting out of bed is like climbing a mountain.
We have no family support and I have discovered there is no support unless you have money or a concession card. Mental health care plans only give you a $87 rebate on a $215 psychology session. No one will bulk bill.
My husband had cancer and he had a donor stem cell transplant and 6 days later he died of acute renal failure because the anti rejection drugs they gave him destroyed his kidneys. The hospital gave no support while he was alive and after he died with me beside he I was told to pack up his room and sign a piece of paper saying I had taken his wedding ring. It was cold and distressing. The day he dyed they just closed the door to his room and met him die and now I feel like I should of done more to keep him alive. The day he died I was told I still had 2-3 days with him but then he died that day and after telling me 10 times that day that he was not going anywhere and he was going to survive. He deteriorated throughout the day but they forgot to tell me this and at 6.30 pm the doctor told me things have changed and he only has about 4 hours Left but he died 30 mins later at 7pm.
We never spoke of what happens if he died because he wouldn’t speak of it and his specialist didn’t ever speak of it despite how sick he was. Everyone thought he would make it but he didn’t and now nothing in my life is normal or makes sense or feels like we are going to be okay.
Dealing with my own grief while dealing with the grief of 2 children feeks impossible.
I don’t know how to live life anymore, I don’t even know who I am anymore now I’m not his carer.
Everything feels hard and impossible. Nothing feels like it will be okay again😓January 20, 2021 at 7:33 am #14068GL friendParticipant
@heather I have tears in my eyes and my heart is aching for you. You are in so much pain and hurt. I am sorry for what you have experienced. Your children have a strong mother who is navigating her feelings of grief, loneliness, and in so much distress. Your loss is immense as I read your experience. I want to say to you that youre allowed to grieve. Sometimes when Im fighting my feelings and judging myself, I remind myself why im feeling that way and that ofcourse the situation would make me feel that certain way. You have a new normal that you are navigating now and the journey is hard. We are here to listen and offer support in ways that we can. Be kind to yourself @heather, youre allowed to feel your feelings.February 6, 2021 at 12:33 pm #14151onlinecommunityKeymaster
Hi @heather, just checking in with you following on from your post in mid-January.
Your brave and heartfelt post spoke of the many challenges ahead of you in navigating daily life with your 2 children, while at the same time experiencing overwhelming grief and distress. We hope that over the past few weeks you have been able to find some support both for your practical struggles and for your grief and loneliness.
As a community, we are here with open hearts to listen, empathise and share our lived experience with you. We care greatly for every community member, wherever they are in the grief process so please feel welcome to reach out and let us know how you are going. 🌸February 10, 2021 at 7:58 pm #14240TashMParticipant
So sorry for your loss.
My heart goes out to you, I lost my husband in traumatic and sudden circumstances, he was only 33 and we had a new baby. I found The centre for greif and bereavement in Melbourne amazing and the counselling is a free service.
Take each day at a time, I found personally constantly thinking about the future just caused me more stress, although don’t be hard on yourself if you find yourself doing it, I found as times gone on I recognise the waves of greif more.
As a metaphor, I’ve found greif for me similar to having a baby (without the joy!) but the first year I had no idea what I was doing, it totally consumed me. Year two it’s like I’ve learnt how to change the nappies, I’m used to the crying and the tantrums and I’ve learnt to just go with the flow a bit more, I carry this new baby grief with me everyday and I’m slowing learning to accept it will now always be a part of my life and I need to care for it,
although everyday is a struggle, I felt journaling helped, talking to my trusted circle of friends and family, and the greif counselling. When Im having a low day I sometimes look back at the journal and remember how much better I am from the early days.
I’m learning there is no one way to handle greif and loss, some days now I get glimpses of hope and other days I only see dark clouds. But overall it does get easier. Be kind to yourself. You are doing incredible be so proud of how your handling yourself when you’ve been handed such and unfair and difficult situation.
Strength and love to youFebruary 15, 2021 at 6:04 pm #14263HeatherParticipant
Thank you for your replies. Nothing has changed for me, if anything it’s worse because it’s hit the kids and me of course how permanent his death is. He’s never coming home and we won’t ever see him again. Our life is over.
I contacted the Australian centre for grief and bereavement however they are only free to Victorian’s, to every one else it’s $225 for 50 mins, so that’s not an option for me.
There is no positive life for me any more. Day by day, minute by minute for a terrible lonely life, scary, frightening and hopeless life for the rest of my life. I’m not interested in that kind of new normal forever life. Why would anyone want to live this kind of life. Nothing can change for me.
Glad things have improved some for others on this page. wishing you all the best as you continue dealing with your grief abd new lives. 🌿🌸February 15, 2021 at 11:24 pm #14264onlinecommunityKeymaster
Hello @Heather, we welcome you back to the forums and thank you for the well-wishes to others. Your consideration for other community members is amazing considering the intensity of your own pain and suffering right now.
Whilst it is heart-wrenching to read about your distress we are glad you had the courage and fortitude to express it here on the forums where you will always find unconditional support.
It seems that you feel it’s impossible to live the rest of your life without your dear husband and insufferable to continue living with this grief. And yet here you are living one day at a time anyway. Right now that’s all you have to do. Each day we wake up and learn something about our grief experience, over time we can identify what makes it worse and what makes it better. Reach for the better. Day by day, step by step you’ll move to a place where the days becomes a little more tolerable and the rest of your life do-able.
@Heather its unfortunate that you are unable to access counselling through the Australian Centre for Grief Bereavement – have you spoken with your GP about other affordable counselling options? In the meantime, there are some resources on the Griefine website that may help with understanding the grief experience and also provide you with some coping tools. You might like to start with the Coping With Grief article.
Please stay in touch. We are here for you. 🌸
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