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My name is Heather and my husband died in November 2020. Easily the worst year of my life. I have 2 children to look after and I can’t hardly breathe I feel so overcome with sadness, fear, anxiety, hopelessness, loneliness, alienation, and distress.
I can’t hardly get out of bed let alone make a decision on what to do with all of his belongings. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat.
I have a million things running through my head constantly like “ how can we survive financially and in every way”, “how am I going to clear out all of his belongings”
( he was a painter so we gave a Ute in the drive way, tressels. Tins of paint and everything else a painter who owned a business had.” How can I be okay with being alone forever with 2 children”, “ why would I want to live a life alone forever”. “ how can I go back to work on the 2nd February when my spirit is broken and I’m finding everything difficult to do”. “ how can I change my children’s schools due to affordability when so much else in their lives has changed and is upside down”.Getting out of bed is like climbing a mountain.
We have no family support and I have discovered there is no support unless you have money or a concession card. Mental health care plans only give you a $87 rebate on a $215 psychology session. No one will bulk bill.
My husband had cancer and he had a donor stem cell transplant and 6 days later he died of acute renal failure because the anti rejection drugs they gave him destroyed his kidneys. The hospital gave no support while he was alive and after he died with me beside he I was told to pack up his room and sign a piece of paper saying I had taken his wedding ring. It was cold and distressing. The day he dyed they just closed the door to his room and met him die and now I feel like I should of done more to keep him alive. The day he died I was told I still had 2-3 days with him but then he died that day and after telling me 10 times that day that he was not going anywhere and he was going to survive. He deteriorated throughout the day but they forgot to tell me this and at 6.30 pm the doctor told me things have changed and he only has about 4 hours Left but he died 30 mins later at 7pm.
We never spoke of what happens if he died because he wouldn’t speak of it and his specialist didn’t ever speak of it despite how sick he was. Everyone thought he would make it but he didn’t and now nothing in my life is normal or makes sense or feels like we are going to be okay.
Dealing with my own grief while dealing with the grief of 2 children feeks impossible.
I don’t know how to live life anymore, I don’t even know who I am anymore now I’m not his carer.
Everything feels hard and impossible. Nothing feels like it will be okay again😓
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