My sweet Sayge

[debsayge]

Dearest broken people,
I have met some of you already so thankyou so far for all your sharing and caring empathy….
So far I’ve been unable to tell and still am as I feel too traumatised with disbelief … so this is an outpouring of this Mumma to my girl, hoping it’s ok to do this way and not undermining anyone else for how they express… I’m the hope to feel heard and seen…
My darling girl I’m sure that you watching me now would say I love you so much Mumma!I understand, I see you!! Even though Now that the rest of the world does not!!
I miss you up in the early hrs, photographing the dawn to excitedly show me when I got up or a flower just opened, which you would later be picking to make the beautiful bunches with Archer for your farm gate shop, which from the money raised would pay for all your treasured animal feed, always taking great pride in decorating their little homes with cherry blossom branches and lush greens from our garden which you and Archer tended with so much effort and Joy!! I miss Luna and Ron (Harry Potter people) which became your names for each other, Ron for Archers strawberry blond hair and funny character and Luna for just you being yourself not into being anything but you and the long white blond hair, I miss watching you platt it every night so you’d have the waves you envied in your brothers….I miss our talks when you’d often snuggle in bed with me and telling me how safe you felt in my arms, you are my flowers mummy, thank you Mumma you always help me, I can’t talk to anyone like I can to you…i miss you always in the kitchen preparing our food together and your appreciation for it all, I miss you saying I’ll always help you Mumma, cause you need me….i haven’t even managed to clean the house now!! At all….I miss my little darlings chatting with bill and toffee ( our 2 soft toy Bilbys made by daddy) about all kinds of silly nonsense and toff calling me yummy I love you too, I miss walking past your room late at nights and sitting listening to my kids breathe peacefully as I’d sit and say sleep with all my love my precious ones( my kids always slept together) or before that just listening to all the funny stuff and their joyful laughter until finally they’d sleep….I miss watching you write in your journals (since about 6) which start with words like “diary 16 of my beautiful life” and ending with words like I will continue to be grateful every moment of my sparkling life….I miss you always being on my side and saying don’t worry about your mean family you’ve us now and we are always together, and I miss you honouring that togetherness always…..I miss our special christmases always filled with months of preparations and so much joy, months of Christmas carols, our birthdays which went for a week and I miss the cakes you made covered with flowers just like Mumma always made for you all….I so miss you playing piano with so much heart your piano teacher would always call you the girl with the beautiful hands….I miss watching you try so hard at karate and gaining your black belt with Archer….I miss you doing ballet with such dedication! I miss you riding your horses with archer and being so careful not to hurt them….I miss your dedication to animal communication, natural horsemanship…. I miss you looking deeply into my eyes with such trust….and then!!for her 18th birthday a heart wrenching diagnosis after she thought she’d hurt her knee, she hadn’t, she is always much to careful of herself, I never worried when she’d climb to the top of the trees…..then we were flung into that horrible adult hospital, and really should have been allowed in the childrens as although 18 only a little girl at heart…then she lost her beautiful hair….now stuck in a wheelchair for 3 months and frightened into not moving!! That leg!! Then when the poisons failed they heartlessly told her she’d need to sign this(first time signing) to sacrifice her left leg to live!! So she did so courageously but with so much fear and loss I don’t believe ican ever get past this trauma this horror, I understand you all know here, she was so devastated but still up on those crutches and outside to do everything…!!!.this was followed by abandoning hosp they had nothing for us and she hated them all, me too….we did everything alternative possible….months and months of many things everything be done to Sayge, I felt!! People don’t understand this, we didn’t see this coming!!!we thought we were safe!!! yet here we are like you in the devastation of our loss and no direction a catastrophic tragedy….we would love another family to connect with our small farm and us with my beautiful broken-hearted boy, and this totally broken Mumma…
Grateful to you all I know you all here are just as lost and so alone….I promise to empathise with you all …And deeply honour your pain…
With love to all Deb Angel Sayge
Xx

Topic

[VM-Mancha1]

Hello @Debsayge,

I almost feel like I know just a tiny part of your darling girl, that was so powerful – thank you so much for sharing. Those words are so powerful and so rich with your loss that they hit me deep down. We may not be with you, but we are sharing this moment with you, at least.

Your words painted a picture filled with life, love and magical moments. I almost smelt that coffee, saw those flowers, and felt the love that you had for each other. You have so much strength to share this, and you should be proud of how well you’ve done to come here, reach out and share.

You are so brave to come here and to share this, to trust us with your story. Loss is never easy, and some losses seem so wide and deep. And yet, you are not alone. I am sure others will be just as touched, just as strengthened by your amazing telling.

I hope you are getting the support you need – here in the forums, and elsewhere. I’m sure your daughter would say she is proud of you, for your words and for the strength you’ve shown today.

Take care, and come back.

[debsayge]

Dear Manchal
Thanking you so, it’s been an emotional time writing this and I’ve been so scared to write from my heart, I really appreciate your sincerity and encouragement…. So that’s why I’m here because my dear family has no concrete support at all, we have no family who care at all, I’m fact haven’t even acknowledged this tragedy it’s so painful to know people never cared and don’t now!! About my precious girl…we had some friends who’ve just abandoned us now even though we try to keep in touch, I end up feeling like I’m badgering people….I’m pretty angry about it all now…you feel like saying try this for a day and see how you go….I don’t know what’s wrong with people that they just can’t or won’t feel some compassion….anyway that’s why I’m here with you all, I see your pain, I’m in it and it’s just unbearable, here we can find what we need the most, understanding empathic hearts, so thank you so much everyone for the care
XxDeb

[Moon]

Hey Deb, bravo for being able to write all that down. I hear and feel every word you say.
As you know, I totally get the whole horrible transition to adult hospital for my baby also.
Might I guess Sayge had bone cancer?
Whilst my Jeremy was going through leukaemia treatment, my middle son’s bff suddenly developped that, also had a prosthetic leg, was doing fine for a while but then the cancer spread. I remember her dancing around in my loungeroom to Tash Sultana, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, and having late night d & m’s with her.
Hey ask Archer what he’s listening to atm, sure to be something Sayge would listen to with him.There’s always an owl perched outside, he knows I need him there xxx

[Moon]

[VM-LAJE]

Dear Deb

Thank you for sharing such beautiful words about your precious daughter. You have so many wonderful memories to draw on at this challenging time. It is normal to feel despair at such a deep loss and it is wonderful you have found this place where you can reach out to other people who can understand your experience.

I am sorry to hear that you don’t feel the support of your family and friends at this time. I hear the anger in your words as you share your disappointment.

I’m glad you have found support here at Griefline. Your communications with Moon are rich and seem to be a great source of support for both of you.

Take care and let us know how things are for you on this Sunday.

[debsayge]

Thank you Laje,
For your kindness, Sundays! always my Sayge’s favourite day, so I struggle more those days, no scary phone calls from scary people, I still shake when my partners ph rings even though he’s changed the tone….
Thankyou for your encouragement however I must say I’m nowhere near memory lane, as it’s all like knives cutting me up inside at the moment, and my despair and disbelief that this could even be real crushes me in every moment….i am so thankful to have this space and feel surrounded by those that truely understand, thank you all for helping me to feel safe here.
Thank you dear Moon always for your comfort and those songs are all what we’ve loved together though like every aspect of everything now just too damn painful to listen…
Talk soon and let’s just keep enduring

XxDeb

[Moon]

My kids and I loved this song, I know you will relate xxx

[Moon]

Hey Deb, don’t want to take over your post, just sharing, thinking of you xx

[debsayge]

Dear Moon, and all listening,
Thank you Moon, that’s fine I don’t see it as taking over at all! I’m grateful for all your sharing in whatever way as it helps to know someone’s actually there…we used to sing to Crosby song all the time, with all our different animal names, so thankyou, and the logical song being home Ed was a really good one to sing while they were listening and playing pool, laughing away….it just feels like the end of the world to me now, all the lovely things we did, feels just gone and I can’t stand Sayge missing out on all we were together, to me everyday feels like a betrayal, the emotions just pour out of me and I’m so all over the place, and so don’t know what I’m doing….I can’t clean the house which sounds probably stupid to everyone, though when you’ve shared every moment (even cleaning) with my helpful considerate girl, it just feels impossible, can anyone relate??? Just being in this boy energy is doing my head in, my Archer is gorgeous but it’s just so hard the missing ….I’ve spent my life just being and with the kids, my partner more seperate from that,more always doing his own thing and not with us through the years…. so just having them to rely on is too hard and I feel guilty for being such a mess….even someone I trust said it must be hard for them to see me like this all the time, that does not help, just makes me feel like I’m not allowed, ohhh all so confusing…. Any comforting words would be helpful, my confidence in life is shattered, don’t know who I am anymore friends
Much love to all of you
XxDeb

[debsayge]

And after all that I just saw this quote from Joanne cacciatore!!!

And when we allow ourselves to feel that which is legitimately ours to feel, we rebel against the rigid grief-denying structures of society.” Joanne Cacciatore

Thank you for this empowering wisdom Joanne
Xx

[Author]

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