My sweet Sayge

[debsayge]

Dearest broken people,
I have met some of you already so thankyou so far for all your sharing and caring empathy….
So far I’ve been unable to tell and still am as I feel too traumatised with disbelief … so this is an outpouring of this Mumma to my girl, hoping it’s ok to do this way and not undermining anyone else for how they express… I’m the hope to feel heard and seen…
My darling girl I’m sure that you watching me now would say I love you so much Mumma!I understand, I see you!! Even though Now that the rest of the world does not!!
I miss you up in the early hrs, photographing the dawn to excitedly show me when I got up or a flower just opened, which you would later be picking to make the beautiful bunches with Archer for your farm gate shop, which from the money raised would pay for all your treasured animal feed, always taking great pride in decorating their little homes with cherry blossom branches and lush greens from our garden which you and Archer tended with so much effort and Joy!! I miss Luna and Ron (Harry Potter people) which became your names for each other, Ron for Archers strawberry blond hair and funny character and Luna for just you being yourself not into being anything but you and the long white blond hair, I miss watching you platt it every night so you’d have the waves you envied in your brothers….I miss our talks when you’d often snuggle in bed with me and telling me how safe you felt in my arms, you are my flowers mummy, thank you Mumma you always help me, I can’t talk to anyone like I can to you…i miss you always in the kitchen preparing our food together and your appreciation for it all, I miss you saying I’ll always help you Mumma, cause you need me….i haven’t even managed to clean the house now!! At all….I miss my little darlings chatting with bill and toffee ( our 2 soft toy Bilbys made by daddy) about all kinds of silly nonsense and toff calling me yummy I love you too, I miss walking past your room late at nights and sitting listening to my kids breathe peacefully as I’d sit and say sleep with all my love my precious ones( my kids always slept together) or before that just listening to all the funny stuff and their joyful laughter until finally they’d sleep….I miss watching you write in your journals (since about 6) which start with words like “diary 16 of my beautiful life” and ending with words like I will continue to be grateful every moment of my sparkling life….I miss you always being on my side and saying don’t worry about your mean family you’ve us now and we are always together, and I miss you honouring that togetherness always…..I miss our special christmases always filled with months of preparations and so much joy, months of Christmas carols, our birthdays which went for a week and I miss the cakes you made covered with flowers just like Mumma always made for you all….I so miss you playing piano with so much heart your piano teacher would always call you the girl with the beautiful hands….I miss watching you try so hard at karate and gaining your black belt with Archer….I miss you doing ballet with such dedication! I miss you riding your horses with archer and being so careful not to hurt them….I miss your dedication to animal communication, natural horsemanship…. I miss you looking deeply into my eyes with such trust….and then!!for her 18th birthday a heart wrenching diagnosis after she thought she’d hurt her knee, she hadn’t, she is always much to careful of herself, I never worried when she’d climb to the top of the trees…..then we were flung into that horrible adult hospital, and really should have been allowed in the childrens as although 18 only a little girl at heart…then she lost her beautiful hair….now stuck in a wheelchair for 3 months and frightened into not moving!! That leg!! Then when the poisons failed they heartlessly told her she’d need to sign this(first time signing) to sacrifice her left leg to live!! So she did so courageously but with so much fear and loss I don’t believe ican ever get past this trauma this horror, I understand you all know here, she was so devastated but still up on those crutches and outside to do everything…!!!.this was followed by abandoning hosp they had nothing for us and she hated them all, me too….we did everything alternative possible….months and months of many things everything be done to Sayge, I felt!! People don’t understand this, we didn’t see this coming!!!we thought we were safe!!! yet here we are like you in the devastation of our loss and no direction a catastrophic tragedy….we would love another family to connect with our small farm and us with my beautiful broken-hearted boy, and this totally broken Mumma…
Grateful to you all I know you all here are just as lost and so alone….I promise to empathise with you all …And deeply honour your pain…
With love to all Deb Angel Sayge
Xx

Topic

[Moon]

Hey Deb, think you mentioned Sayge learnt french so I can say (foutre le menage) without being moderated oui.
I know you don’t like being inside the house, hubby and son can figure dishwasher/laundry, and if you’re not expecting visitors “pourquoi faire de soucis” why worry.
Neither do you have to find words to explain where you are currently sitting in your grief, you are allowed and understood xxx

[debsayge]

Dear all listening here,
Grateful for the French moon wisdom!!! Perfect, made me laugh when I translated!!
A beautiful winter day on Mornington peninsula, some weeding, mostly sitting looking as I do at the sky, the gorgeous trees and many birds
Just another one of my girls favourite kind of days missing out on, I just can’t stand it…the missing the sadness is truely unending….Sayge just lives winter and all that comes with it, like snuggling up with me in front of the fire and having tea and bananas slit with chocky in the fire……ohh all way too much to miss dear friends way!!
XxDeb

[grievingmum]

Love to you Deb..

[debsayge]

Grieving mumma, so grateful for your message of love today!! I’m so tired of not having anyone to talk to who can just be with me, I’m so tired of the world moving on also, I just can’t find any purpose to anything….most of all I’m so tired that there’s no one around me that can really grasp my despair, my heartache, my all day especially morning n night anguished tears, just pouring out…I’m just so so scared and sad
To all tonight heartfelt hugs for enduring yet another!!day without them
Love you so much my darling girl
XxDeb

[Moon]

Hey Deb, grievingmumma, wish I could just sit next to you, stare at the fire together in silence, but with a knowing glance, a shared tear.
Yes, it feels so very lonely in this, it’s my comfort knowing I will be heard here. I don’t look anywhere else, only those who have lost a child can truly get it.
I have lost parents, other loved ones, but this !!?? no way, absolutely cannot deal, will not ever, and honestly have no expectation to.
A mothers’ heart is born with her child, that first smile which is uniquely for you, all those moments embedded and entwined are alive as ever for me.
I’m trying my best to reframe my dreams with happy memories, but still lie awake in the early hours remembering our last moments together.
Grateful I have a pets that need feeding, otherwise not much motivation to welcome another day without my son.
I know and expect to burst into tears every morning, it’s just physical, has to happen so I don’t deny it, but have noticed I can manage to make a coffee first, even open the bedroom , his included, with a little less heartbreak, cause I trust he’ll send me a hello again soon, as will your dear daughters xxx

[debsayge]

Thankyou dear Moon, for always being here with me….yes I wish we 3 could just sit together, amazing you said that just then as I was thinking the same just when your msg came….the boys are playing pool and all that while as usual I just sit looking at another!! Night sky….so unbelievable So Lonely n sad
Love to you dear Sandy
XxDeb

[debsayge]

Dearest beautiful as reading here are some words my caring friend sent me and I wish to share and dedicate them to you moon and grieving mumma and all here struggling

“As you wake to another lonely day, struggling to find purpose in anything. The strength you hold just to get out of bed and face yet another day without her touch, conversation and companionship is something few people recognise behind your tears. I see it. You may not, and feel guilt and other emotions about not coping. Try not to as they are all projections. You are doing this in your own! Authenticity. That’s what I have always loved about you!

This just s for you all and I’m hoping it helps just a tiny bit, it helps me to feel ! Seen even if just in that moment….

I’m trying to understand the projections but, all the hopeless despair, guilt, I’m finding that just so difficult as this totally broken bereft mumma who seems to just turn it all on myself is so crushing, the listless and longing for what should be! That Sayge is missing out on, that I can’t and don’t want to do Any Thing without my loving girl….it’s all too much for this deeply caring Mumma, my life revolved around my children and our happy future,all I wanted was what I had living authentic caring children…. how do we live in a world without them, where horror is real and they are taken, how do we do this, I just don’t know….
Thanks all for listening to my sobbing this (another) morning
XxLove to you all today and every harder day
Deb

[Moon]

Hi Deb, been thinking about you, how are you ? Bet you’ve got a lot of weeding done with this sunny weather.
I just replied to Kate, as I can see you have also. I try to reply to those whose grief I share, if I’m silent for a bit, I’m still here ok.
I had my second last griefline telephone counselling sess this arvo. She recommended ‘compassionate friends’ for ongoing peer support – I think you did also ? How have you found it ?
I’ve only just stobbed sobbing, didn’t realize how much I need someone to ask me how are you really going, instead of you look well, I’m still hurting inside yeah xx

[debsayge]

Hello dear hurting inside people,
Hi dear Moon, thankyou so much for thinking of me, means so much, I am often thinking about you as we seem to sit outside a lot. I don’t even feel the cold, just feels closer to Sayge, being out with the frogs and the nature sounds she loves so much, and the garden of course which the kids and I tended together so joyfully….
I’ve actually been having a really dreadful time as what I believed to be my closest friendship has blindsided me with an abandonment which I just can’t fathom!! So here am I with the loss of my Sayge and this on top has been pretty close to destructing me, when a friend calls you sister and tells you your her family (for 8yrs) and your at your most vulnerable point in life ever! And they just go, without any explanation!! I mean wtf is that… so that’s where I’ve been and have cried in much disbelief since….have managed to rationalise now that god I’ve lost so much more and who cares, and let it go.
Still cry everyday, mornings and night are the worst, things just keep knocking me around, My Archer is my best support, we just with Andy too go very quietly and slowly though these hardest days.
So I due to all that’s happened not much energy for the weeding although I keep trying. Our garden is sadly so beautiful.

So compassionate friends for you I think would be a great help, as it is focused on the loss of your child and every person there is a bereaved parent, for me I do have a CF who I’m in touch with but now her hubby is gravely Ill with the same our children had and I don’t have the confidence to seek out another or go to a group at the moment, also it’s too far away from us,I’d need to travel 2hrs, I had wanted to do things as a family (as we always have) and at one group (the one time we went) was a distressed mumma graphically describing her child’s suicide, which with Archer listening beside me I felt was just adding to his trauma and haven’t wanted to go back. Anyway that’s my experience, if it was just me I’d probably go as I know they are are very welcoming and helpful group, the magazines are helpful to us.
Thank you all for listening and dear Moon love to you always
XxDeb

[Moon]

Hi Deb, other grieving parents. I find it hard to reply sometimes, but I’m always reading, checking in ok.
On Saturday it will be 8 mths since I last held my beautiful boy. Instead of anticipated grief insomnia, I had wonderful dreams of all the birthday parties we had. All the themed home made cakes I made, all the excitement of pressies, the noise and laughter came flashing back, so I woke up smiling for a change.
I have no doubt that my son was saying hi to me, – you know he always sends me little signs, which I wait for patiently.
I believe this reminder of all the good times we shared was a signal for me to close this post – and start a new one, maybe something like “living without my child”??
Because somehow we’re doing it… but I absolutely cannot unless I have others’ to confide in, who are living the same story – cancer diagnosis in particular.
I know other grieving mums have other children, I also have 3 others, but am sadly an empty-nester. I wasn’t prepared for any of this ..
So I’d like to start a new post/thread we can not only share our unique grief, but share our little successes- albeit cutting your fingernails, whatever.
Today I dyed my hair – that’s pretty big for me.
As much as no longer feel part of this world, and never will again, I’m only half here – I understand the only comfort I will find in my grief is by sharing my humanity.
Thank goodness I can smile at an old man walking down the street, or a baby in a pram without a mask on these days, that’s all it takes for me to brighten my day.
And I know my son is right behind me when I also pat the cats and dogs on my little walks xx Will you join me in a new thread ?

[Author]

Replies