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Dearest broken people,
I have met some of you already so thankyou so far for all your sharing and caring empathy….
So far I’ve been unable to tell and still am as I feel too traumatised with disbelief … so this is an outpouring of this Mumma to my girl, hoping it’s ok to do this way and not undermining anyone else for how they express… I’m the hope to feel heard and seen…
My darling girl I’m sure that you watching me now would say I love you so much Mumma!I understand, I see you!! Even though Now that the rest of the world does not!!
I miss you up in the early hrs, photographing the dawn to excitedly show me when I got up or a flower just opened, which you would later be picking to make the beautiful bunches with Archer for your farm gate shop, which from the money raised would pay for all your treasured animal feed, always taking great pride in decorating their little homes with cherry blossom branches and lush greens from our garden which you and Archer tended with so much effort and Joy!! I miss Luna and Ron (Harry Potter people) which became your names for each other, Ron for Archers strawberry blond hair and funny character and Luna for just you being yourself not into being anything but you and the long white blond hair, I miss watching you platt it every night so you’d have the waves you envied in your brothers….I miss our talks when you’d often snuggle in bed with me and telling me how safe you felt in my arms, you are my flowers mummy, thank you Mumma you always help me, I can’t talk to anyone like I can to you…i miss you always in the kitchen preparing our food together and your appreciation for it all, I miss you saying I’ll always help you Mumma, cause you need me….i haven’t even managed to clean the house now!! At all….I miss my little darlings chatting with bill and toffee ( our 2 soft toy Bilbys made by daddy) about all kinds of silly nonsense and toff calling me yummy I love you too, I miss walking past your room late at nights and sitting listening to my kids breathe peacefully as I’d sit and say sleep with all my love my precious ones( my kids always slept together) or before that just listening to all the funny stuff and their joyful laughter until finally they’d sleep….I miss watching you write in your journals (since about 6) which start with words like “diary 16 of my beautiful life” and ending with words like I will continue to be grateful every moment of my sparkling life….I miss you always being on my side and saying don’t worry about your mean family you’ve us now and we are always together, and I miss you honouring that togetherness always…..I miss our special christmases always filled with months of preparations and so much joy, months of Christmas carols, our birthdays which went for a week and I miss the cakes you made covered with flowers just like Mumma always made for you all….I so miss you playing piano with so much heart your piano teacher would always call you the girl with the beautiful hands….I miss watching you try so hard at karate and gaining your black belt with Archer….I miss you doing ballet with such dedication! I miss you riding your horses with archer and being so careful not to hurt them….I miss your dedication to animal communication, natural horsemanship…. I miss you looking deeply into my eyes with such trust….and then!!for her 18th birthday a heart wrenching diagnosis after she thought she’d hurt her knee, she hadn’t, she is always much to careful of herself, I never worried when she’d climb to the top of the trees…..then we were flung into that horrible adult hospital, and really should have been allowed in the childrens as although 18 only a little girl at heart…then she lost her beautiful hair….now stuck in a wheelchair for 3 months and frightened into not moving!! That leg!! Then when the poisons failed they heartlessly told her she’d need to sign this(first time signing) to sacrifice her left leg to live!! So she did so courageously but with so much fear and loss I don’t believe ican ever get past this trauma this horror, I understand you all know here, she was so devastated but still up on those crutches and outside to do everything…!!!.this was followed by abandoning hosp they had nothing for us and she hated them all, me too….we did everything alternative possible….months and months of many things everything be done to Sayge, I felt!! People don’t understand this, we didn’t see this coming!!!we thought we were safe!!! yet here we are like you in the devastation of our loss and no direction a catastrophic tragedy….we would love another family to connect with our small farm and us with my beautiful broken-hearted boy, and this totally broken Mumma…
Grateful to you all I know you all here are just as lost and so alone….I promise to empathise with you all …And deeply honour your pain…
With love to all Deb Angel Sayge
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