I lost my husband 4.5 months ago after a 10 week short battle with lung cancer.

[Deb Camilleri]

February 23rd Pete (aged 63), had his first chest X-ray and admitted straight into hospital, with complication after complication, no chance of survival, he died on the 6th May.
For those 10 weeks I was on auto pilot just doing what I had to do for my husband. Initially it was a blessing, he was ready to go and we all had accepted he was going to pass.
Daily, nightly my mind goes over the events just trying to process the traumatic time myself and family had to endure. I thought with a little bit of time my heartache would get better but it’s just not, it’s getting worse, I cry uncontrollable night after night, he is in my thoughts 24 hours a day, I miss him so much and I just want him to come home. Peter to me was the love of my life and I his, he treated me like his little Princess. I miss his love, I miss his attention, I miss his beautiful face and larger than life personality. I’m just so lonely.

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[onlinecommunity]

Dear @Deb-Camilleri, welcome to the forums. Our hearts are with you during this terribly difficult time ❤️ It sounds like you had an amazing relationship with your beloved Peter who adored you. And from the way you describe him, he seems like a truly charismatic man – both in your eyes and others around you. You must have some wonderful memories of times shared together.

While everyone’s grief is unique, it’s fairly common to seemingly cope ok early on. We’re often in a state of disbelief at first. We may be numb or moving in and out of reality. And this is usually a period when we focus on the clinical events as it can be a way of avoiding our emotions. But as the weeks go on the grief starts to seep in and this is when it can feel almost unbearable. Like what you’re feeling now. Though it’s hard to hear, we have to confront this pain at some point. It forces us to access our best coping strategies to adapt to the loss. Right now you might be feeling like you cant cope but over time your coping skills will develop and strengthen. We are here to help you with this (the Griefine Helpline is another great resource when things are overwhelming 1300 845 745).

You mention that he is in your thoughts constantly and we wonder if you might try shifting your approach to these thoughts at times… try sending him the love that’s in your heart and speak it out loud. “I’m sending you love, I’m wrapping you up in my love” or whatever feels right to you. Say it over and over. It can soften the heartache and anxiety a little.

Nightime crying seems to be almost universal among the bereaved.. it might be soothing to know that researchers have described crying as a kind of comfort we give to ourselves…we ‘close down on ourselves in a self-embrace with muffled cries to hold back the distress’. So, while it might seem out of control or even frightening to cry every night…rest assured it’s safe and ok… practice self-compassion and kindness and let yourself cry if you need to.

At this early stage, it can be helpful to educate ourselves about the grief response and uncover ways to cope with it. Our ‘Coping with Grief’ article on the Griefline Resource Hub explores grief symptoms and also gives some ideas for coping – from the early stages to later on. Things like reaching out to others to seek comfort; taking care of your mental, emotional and physical health; and ways to feel safe and in control. We hope you will find something helpful there.

@Deb-Camilleri, we hope that you’ll keep posting as you navigate these distressing days. Every day is different on this grief journey and though it feels like things are getting worse right now, over time you will find there are moments of light breaking through to bring some relief…and hope.
So many of us here can empathise with what you are going through. We are here for you. 🌸

[Mal]

Dear @Deb-Camilleri, my heart and thoughts go out to you. I know that doesn’t really help but at least you know people do care about how you’re feeling.
Losing a loved one hurts so much. My son Jayson 29 passed away on 24th July 2021 5 days before his 30th birthday. He wasn’t ill. He died in his sleep I found him the next morning. And they can’t give me any answers to why. He had a full life surrounded by what he called his Good People. He lived more in 29 years than any of us did and for that I am grateful. So today I am just going to try and accept it. This is what’s happened and I can not do a thing to change it, and neither can you. I think our first step is to accept our loss. Tough gig but has to be done if we are to continue some sort of normal life. I have to think about my other 2 children and my 3 grandsons, I must be here for them, they are grieving too.
It’s day by day Deb just get up every day, show up and do whatever you can at your own pace. Take care of yourself.

[Ros]

Hi Deb
I read the post you wrote in September 2021. As I read it I thought I was reading about myself. My husbands name was also Peter and he battled cancer of an unknown primary for nearly 5 years. He went into hospital on 20th October 2021 where they discovered the cancer had progressed to his liver. He came home on 1st November and with the help of the wonderful palliative care team he passed away here at home on 5th November 2021.

Initially I found myself changing furniture, sorting through things and trying to make things a “new normal.” Now I’m at the 8 week mark my emotions are all over the place. I find that the mornings are the worst when I wake to a quiet house. Then all I do is cry. We were home bodies it was us and our little dog. We had both lost partners before due to death and we had ourselves been married for 10 years. We were also estranged from our families because we got together. So I’m finding the loneliness crushing at times. I have friends who call or occasionally text and 2 wonderful friends who were there during our darkest days and who come out once a week to help me on our acreage.

I’ve learnt how to use a ride on mower and every day I make myself work outside basically until I can’t go on because it is the only way I know how to cope. Even when Peter was extremely ill, working kept me going and took my mind off things. But now I’m finding every day I cry uncontrollably and I find it overwhelming at times and wonder how in the hell will this ever stop. I’ve been through this before with my first husband and had forgotten how painful it can be. I know this is a testament to the love I have for Peter, but it does’t make it any easier.

I truly wish you well as you journey through your grief Deb. It is comforting to all of us who are grieving to know that others do care.🧡

[onlinecommunity]

Dear @Ros, welcome to the forums. And thank you for your beautiful message of empathy and compassion to @Deb. Posts like these epitomise what the forums are all about – connecting with others through a shared experience and finding comfort knowing that we are not alone in our pain.
Our hearts go out to you also for the loss of your adored husband. It sounds like you shared a ‘bubble’ of love with each other and your little dog – which is something so precious. You talk about the crushing loneliness you are feeling, and we want you to know that losing a spouse has been shown as the leading cause of chronic loneliness in people – made worse when we have nursed them through a long illness. But the fact that you have 2 wonderful friends so dedicated to you is a very good thing and speaks volumes about you as a person. You might also consider joining Griefline’s Care to Call program where we connect you with one of our caring volunteer supporters. They’ll give you a ring once a week for a chat. What you chat about and how long for is completely up to you. For more details take a look at the webpage here; https://griefline.org.au/get-help/care-to-call/
You talk about working until you’re exhausted which is a common coping mechanism in grief. It’s a way for us to avoid sitting with the loss. And that’s OK for now. Your loss is still very recent and you may need a little more time before you feel ready to start processing it. Likewise, your uncontrolled crying is a natural coping mechanism. Remember we all have our own unique way of grieving and this is yours. Be gentle on yourself. Treat yourself as you would a friend… if you think you’re working yourself too hard perhaps give yourself a gentle talking to – it might be time for a sit down with a cuppa. And you could try some self-care exercises like the ones here on our rest and relaxation page. We particularly like the ‘Reflecting on Positive Experiences’ exercise ☺️

Tools For Rest and Relaxation

@Ros your kind words to @Deb were “It is comforting to all of us who are grieving to know that others do care.” We want you to know that we care for you too…and are here for you. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are faring. 🌸

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