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Losing a sister and a close friend in such as short space of time is really difficult and as the other responders have mentioned, it takes courageous to reach out to others and acknowledge the challenge of facing this grief. From your message, you have shown awareness and understanding of unhelpful coping actions and behaviours, and while it may take some others longer to notice this, it’s something to be proud and is as a strength to recognise this and how it’s affecting you. I think it also means that there’s some desire or motivation to find other ways to cope, and reaching out services and other forms of support is a step towards this.
I hope you’ve been able to get in touch with some of the supports mentioned in the first response, or even having a chat to your GP is a great first step too. And if you haven’t had a chance yet, I hope you’re able to in time. Griefline volunteers are here for chat as well if you need on the Helpline number 1300 845 745, and the convenience of an anonymous call might seem easier in moments of grief and pain as well.
I just want to add how much my heart goes out to you, Xereus, and reiterate daffodil duck in saying you are not alone, everything you’re feeling is valid, and I’m so glad you have reached out. No one should go through what you are alone – and support is available.
With everything you’re experiencing, I can only begin to imagine your suffering right now, and the layers of pain would be huge to bear. It takes great courage to feel those feelings, and to seek help. These are both such important steps to help you navigate and gradually grow around your grief, finding a way go (and grow) forward.
As daffodil duck said, Griefline is here for you, in the forum and on the phone. The other resources are great too, and you might also like to explore http://standbysupport.com.au/ which offers support specifically for people bereaved by suicide.
Thanks again for coming to the forum, Xereus. Please do keep in touch.
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience with us. This is a courageous step, and opening up about what is happening can be confronting and scary, but I’m glad you felt the need to reach out.
Firstly, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Losing two people who are very close to us a week apart is not something that is easy to carry. The added blame that the family is expressing is understandably making things feel heavier when all we need is support. I do want you to know that you are not alone in your grief. Experiencing similarities, more related to drugs and suicide, your feelings of grief are totally valid. I want to express that you have choices, you’re not alone, and we can provide support.
The pain is going to be there. After coming out of my negative coping patterns, I decided to sit in my grief, and try so hard not to blame myself for not calling, or rocking up at their house to see how they are. I felt I could have done so much more to help them, and it took me some time to get over it, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t love him.
I had to reach out and ask for help, like you are doing now, that’s why reading your message is such a privilege. I felt isolated and alone, but I used resources just like you are doing now. It’s so courageous to step up and ask.
I want to leave some resources below, please use them, there is no shame, judgement, or guilt when using services that are there to help us.
Keep using this message board to reach out, call Griefline, or book a call back from our services online. We are here, and we want to sit with you in your grief and offer support.Griefline
1300 845 745Lifeline
13 11 14
http://www.lifeline.org.auSuicide call back service
1300 659 467
http://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.auBeyond Blue
1300 224 636
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/Drug and Alcohol Counselling
https://www.counsellingonline.org.au/
(refer to website, each state has a different number)I have recently lost my sister to an overdose and a week later a really close friend had overdosed as well, I am currently the centre of blame for my family with them telling me I didn’t do enough to help my sister and it is making me feel responsible for her passing and its not making the other passing i had experienced any easier, I am currently using really unhealthy coping mechenisims to get through this and it just hurts so much on a daily basis i feel like i can’t function or seeking validation from others just to stay numb to everything around \.
Dear Mini cooper, You are definitely worthy! I hope that in time you will know you are a good friend/partner.
I have also lost and been rejected by friends in the past. It helped me to remember and deepen connection with the friends who stuck by me in that awful time. Friendship loss is very real and you are hurting very deeply at the moment. You will heal over time.Where do they go? It is a question that has been asked many times over the ages. Here is a poem going all the way back to Norse mythology (800-1000 AD/CE).
The Rainbow Bridge (Inspired by a Norse Legend)
By the edge of a woods, at the foot of a hill,
Is a lush, green meadow where time stands still.
Where the friends of man and woman do run,
When their time on earth is over and done.For here, between this world and the next,
Is a place where each beloved creature finds rest.
On this golden land, they wait, and they play,
Till the Rainbow Bridge they cross over one day.No more do they suffer, in pain or in sadness,
For here they are whole, their lives filled with gladness.
Their limbs are restored, their health renewed,
Their bodies have healed, with strength imbued.They romp through the grass, without even a care,
Until one day they start, and sniff at the air.
All ears prick forward, eyes dart front and back,
Then all of a sudden, one breaks from the pack.For just at that instant, their eyes have met
Together again, both person and pet.
So they run to each other, these friends from long past,
The time of their parting is over at last.The sadness they felt while they were apart,
Has turned into joy once more in each heart.
They embrace with a love that will last forever,
And then, side-by-side, they cross over… together.You are further along your pregnancy journey since you first reached out to the forum for support, and while all trimesters are different and challenging in their own ways, I hope you’ve been able to connect with the pregnancy during your second trimester, while finding time to grieve your dad and support those around you. It sounds like you have been a pillar of strength that others may turn to for support, and I hope those in your support network have been able to so the same for you.
The first response provided some amazing resources for support, and I hope these have been helpful during this time. There are so many challenges we face as we move through pregnancy and beyond. Starting or expanding a family is just one of life’s big changes and transitions that we may go through, and coping with the death of a parent at the same time compounds both journeys.
I found the weekly check ins from COPE (Centre of Perinatal Excellence) via the emails (or app if you choose to download it), were a helpful reminder to check in with myself and they were a gentle support throughout my pregnancies. They also have counselling support if this is something you’d like to explore.
It’s human nature to want to take care of others around us, and it’s equally vital we take care of ourselves and those we are growing to come in to the world.
Hi MiniCooper,
I acknowledge you for sharing the loss of the close friendship with your cousin. After a 40 year relationship, it is a huge loss to go from best friends to no communication and being avoided at family functions with no explanation. I can hear that it has impacted your self confidence and your trust in people and friendship. It also overlaps with so many people that you love in your family. It can also feel really disconcerting when you don’t know why and your constantly analysing what caused it to be this way.
I had something similar happen about 9 years ago when my best friend from high school who I loved and treasured very much, stop talking to me and avoided meeting up. It happened a year after I had my first baby and she never told me why. I spent alot of time wondering what happened and grieving the loss of our friendship. It also impacted my identity as I wasn’t in touch with anyone else really from highschool. I have people around me who still have really close relationships with their friends from highschool and I felt like a failure.
I share that so you know many people struggle with the loss of significant relationships even when it isnt caused by a death. Your experience is valid, it is a big deal to you and this loss of relationship with your cousin has affected many areas of your life.
There is some information on our website that may be helpful to you moving through this loss – https://griefline.org.au/resources/relationship-loss/.
I can get you are struggling to find a way forward that feels right. The pain sounds like it really challenging to be with. That is really normal when dealing with a significant loss like this. There are no right answers. It is a strength to be able to communicate about it and share about it in a forum like this. You are also welcome to call the Griefline to chat about your feelings on 1300 845 745 – 8am – 8pm AEST any day of the week.
Continue to keep in touch through this online forum and look after yourself. We are listening.
Dear minicooper
I can hear the distress you are experiencing in loosing a friendship of 40 years. And what makes it worse is not getting the space to process and grieve this loss, instead being reminded of it by friends, family and close proximity of your friend living in the same neighbourhood. It also sounds like the situation has undermined your confidence in your ability to find new friends leaving you confused. I want to commend you for finding this forum and showing courage in sharing and unburdening yourself on this forum. I can see that you value friendship and integrity hence your loss of relationship has brought up grief emotions such as sadness, anger, and confusion. It is important to allow yourself to feel these emotions as gently as possible and to look after yourself. Identifying your support system, people who you can turn to for emotional support will also help. This forum and our helpline where you can have confidential conversations are an encouraging start. Having said that it is equally important to establish routines that are calming and nourishing while you grieve. Mindfulness and self compassion practices can also support you in processing this loss. Grief is a roller coaster of emotions so give yourself space to feel those emotions and process the loss. I would like to point you to a resource on Griefline (below) that will also support you in your grieving process.
And our helpline number is 1300 845 745
8am to 8pm: 7 days (AEST)Sending you good vibes so you can find a good way to hold your grief and take care of yourself.
I guess I’m writing this for me as I’m not sure anyone will read this. I need to acknowledge to myself that a 40 year friendship is over and I will never know why, that the person I thought I knew never really existed and I will never get a resolution to this. How do you move on without resolution? But I digress, let’s start at the beginning.
My girlfriend whom I have been friends with for over 40 years, decided to end our friendship without conflict or a discussion. She hasn’t passed on, but it feels that way.
Instead, she has chosen to give me the silent treatment. This leaves me with so many unanswered questions that I am struggling to move forward. Yes I have tried to contact her but I have received nothing in reply. Unfortunately, she was not only a close girlfriend but she is also my cousin. This means that I still see her during family functions (& she avoids me and doesn’t talk to me) & her name is constantly brought up in family circles asking what has happened between us. Mutual friends also constantly bring up her name.
I feel like I can’t escape her. She has made it perfectly clear she wants nothing more to do with me as it’s been two years since our last communication. I would like to move on but I struggle with two things. One, after two years have no idea of why she broke off our friendship, hence the lack of resolution. There is some lame excuse that has been given to me, which I don’t believe, although I do think it was just the cherry on the cake. I suspect that she had a list of grievances against me that was accumulating over time and rather than discuss it with me, she chose to walk away….can I say this? Rather than act like an adult and deal, she chose the cowards way out. God that sounds so angry. I swing like a pendulum, angry, sad, angry, sad. How do you “get over” or accept that this is over when you don’t understand why it’s over.
The 2nd thing I struggle with, is having her constantly thrown in my face by well meaning friends and family. Every time I think my head is in a better space and I start feeling good again, some friend or family member will ask what’s going on between us. This brings up all the pain, hurt, anger, disappointment & doubts all over again and it’s like a scab that’s being ripped off a wound. It takes days/weeks to start feeling “normal” again.
I understand that this may not sound like a big deal to those who are dealing with the passing of someone close, but this is what it feels like to me.
The fact that she is my cousin AND neighbour is now an added stress because I still see her in the street, at the shops, family functions and gatherings. She is still in my social circles and I just want her out of my life. How do I get her out of my life, without losing everyone else? How do I find resolution with her decision? Oh I forgot to mention, our husbands were best friends too. Their friendship is now also over because of her decision to end ours. My husband is also in this world of pain, with no resolution and it hurts me to see him this way. While the boys may catch up every few months, it is an awkward meeting as they share a mutual grief over the loss of their friendship that they had no say or control over, the decision was made for them.So where are we at? In this limbo of a situation with no way of moving forward, or at least not understanding how to move forward. I can’t pull away from my family and friends. Is it to much for me to ask them to stop talking about her? Do I try and look for other friendship circles? I have tried but my confidence has been shaken and I find myself questioning the person that I am. I tell myself, I am obviously not worthy. If your closest friend can walk away from you after 40 years, then obviously something is wrong with you.
Can you get hypnotherapy for this sort of thing? So everytime I have these self doubts something clicks in my head to flip it around and I say “you are worthy and you do have something positive to give to a friendship” Ha! God I wish it was that simple. Well that’s enough of a rant from me. I am not sure I feel any better about putting this in writing. Maybe.
