Sad. TW: Stalking, Suicidal Ideation and Possible DV.

[gurindjiwoman]

I have been really missing someone, and my heart is beyond broken. We were never in a relationship, and I really regret not asking him out on a date, to see where things took us. I really wanted to lose my virginity to this man as well. And a big age gap wasn’t going to stop me from doing as such. He’s in his mid-fifties and I am in my mid-twenties. I did not realise at the time that this man was a package deal; he has a young daughter, which doesn’t bother me, but he also has his ex-wife attached to him, controlling his every move. I don’t want a stalker who has potentially been abusive emotionally towards him in my life. She goes through his mobile phone to see if he has been texting other women behind her back (me) even though he is single and does not have my number. She also goes to his house frequently to ‘check up’ on him because she ‘cares about him and still loves him.’ She is the same age as this man. I want to help him, but I will admit that I too haven’t treated him in the nicest manner, and he deserves closure from me. And believe me, I have tried everything with regards to seeking advice on what to do. Mum and Dad are sick and tired of me discussing this man, because they, quite frankly, believe that I am too good for him, even though they won’t provide me with a reason of justifying their statement. Not to mention, they have their own problems too which are of far greater concern than my petty ones, you know, like work, gambling and alcohol. 1800RESPECT were useless and they did not take me seriously. Lifeline were also useless. REACHOUT and Kids Helpline, on the other hand, have been fantastic, but it is getting to the point where my counsellor from Kids Helpline is trying to assist me with transitioning to different counselling due to my age, which I have done successfully. I am now seeking help with moving on from this man from my private counsellor. I also haven’t had the best experience with the police so there is no point in me discussing my concerns about the safety of this man to them, because they will view me as being fixated on him and will detain me under the mental health act unnecessarily. I used REACHOUT tonight and the counsellor on the other end recommended this website to me. So I thought that I would give it a try and see how I go.

Topic

[gurindjiwoman]

I think I should mention that even though I have experienced suicidal ideation over this man over the way he has treated me as well, I did, however, dream about him in my sleep recently. He was lying peacefully on a motorbike with a packet of Red Rock Deli chips on his tummy (random, I know) and no one knew that he had passed away peacefully. This dream that I have still haunts me because deeps down I really care about this man and will fear his death one day.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by gurindjiwoman.

[VMPatch]

Hello @gurindjiwoman
Sorry that it has taken a while for you to get a response to your post. You have taken some very positive steps in seeking support and counselling and you seem clear that your goal is to move on from this man. It sounds like it has been a struggle but you are doing all you can to move in the direction you want. This must take a lot of strength to keep going. For support as well as this forum you can also ring the Griefline Helpline on 1300 845 745 8am to 8pm (AEDT) Mon to Fri or book a call though the website at griefline.org.au

[VM-CharlieB]

Dear Gurinjiwoman,

How are you going? It sounds like you’ve been on a big journey over this man. It’s great you now have a private counsellor to support you with moving on and it’s also good that you reach out to the Helplines and that you’ve found us here at the forum.

Hoping that you’re going okay today @gurinjiwoman!

[vmremember]

Hello @gurindjuwoman

When I read your journey I simply thought wow you have had to experience so much for a young woman in her twenties. We never know who we will meet and the impact that person can have on our life but when you feel for another person and when you are attracted to another person all sensibilities leave us at times as we desire to be loved and to be with that person. That is what I heard, is that right?

Relationships with other people can be complex at times and it sounds like you have found that to be the case with this man with who you have feelings and now you are finding it hard to move forward. This is known as a stuck state that we all experience at different times in our life journey. The rumination (going over and over) events and thoughts are what get us stuck in the thoughts and emotions that we experience. How do you become unstuck? It sounds like you are positively trying to work through what has happened with other professionals, but as you indicated sometimes not everyone who is trying to help is the right fit for you. You need to keep exploring and seeking out those professional person/s with who you can build a healthy therapeutic relationship.

Some suggestions that may help you with your stuck state: 1. create a positive mantra so you break the cycle of negative thoughts that you may be having e.g. I am able to find a positive path for me, one that is good for me; 2. mindfulness meditation has shown to have positive benefits on the brain e.g. to calm, improve attention and when you practice 3 ten minutes sessions a day it has been shown to have good benefit and effect for people. There are many free apps with meditations such as insighttime app; 3. be kind and gentle to yourself and practice self-care to nurture your inner being.

Certainly, the pain you are experiencing from this relationship and the grief and loss you are experiencing is real and you may continue to experience this pain until you have either healed from the experience or found comfort elsewhere.

As a gurindjuwoman have you been able to speak or seek advice or support from a female elder? Have you heard of 13YARN – 139276 it is a first nation people helpline for individuals in crisis or in need of support?

The Griefline website has some information that may help you. We also offer book call sessions which you can book from our website if you are wanting additional support for the grief and loss that you are experiencing.

You are not alone during this journey, it will take time for you to heal this pain that you are experiencing.
Keep in touch so we can reach out to you with support.

[gurindjiwoman]

Hello,

You are absolutely correct. And I am currently studying, so I really want to to well, but on the same token, I just want to end it all. This man has that much of an impact on me, it has got to the point that he has traumatised me – try and make sense of that!

I always had my feelings for this man invalidated by my family, because he wasn’t good enough for me in their eyes. They don’t want me dating an overweight man in his fifties and is stuck in a dead end job, earning hardly any money. The truth is that I am happy with his career pathway and the money that he earns, and I am also happy with what he looks like. My family expect me to be married to a man who is muscular with a great career. I couldn’t care less about any of that. Hell, I don’t even want a career anymore myself (due to ongoing and relentless bullying in school as well as from this man). Why are people so cruel to me?

[vm-peacelily]

Dear @gurundjiwoman,

Thank you for sharing your struggles – a broken heart and regret are not easy to deal with, and I see your courage and strength in reaching out to different sources of support even when your family may not be as supportive as you would like. That you have the strength and resourcefulness to do this tells me that whatever impact others may have on you, you are still your own person and have your journey and story to write and live out!

Sometimes our hearts take us places we cannot always understand or explain, and our values do not always coincide with those of our family or friends. I was previously in love with someone who did not take care of my heart, and it took me years to get over them, and to accept that they were not good for me. Sometimes it’s the person themselves, sometimes it’s their circumstances that we cannot control. While those years in my own journey were full of despair and depression, I look back now (ten years later!) seeing it with new eyes and realizing it has shaped the person I become, and made me perhaps more understanding of others.

I think it’s brave and smart that you’ve recognized that his ex-wife could be dangerous and certainly unhealthy for you, and that you respect yourself enough to want a life where you are treated well and validated. It’s also easy sometimes to tell ourselves that we could have done better to make things work, but it also sounds like he could have done better by you!

We cannot always see what lies at the end of the tunnel, but taking one step and one day at a time will get us closer to new perspectives, new opportunities and definitely better people. I found in my darkest moments that holding on to the smallest things helped, and these continue to give me joy: when the sky is sunny and warm, or an adorable animal, or a good song with lots of meaning.

You’re not alone here, give yourself time to heal. We are here if you need to talk to someone.

[Author]

Replies