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The days feel like they are getting more and more difficult to get through. I still really struggle to even accept that she’s gone. I feel like I’ve lost any purpose I had to life at all, I don’t see a point anymore. I feel like I’m letting her down by feeling so down all the time, she wouldn’t want me to be sad but how can I not be.
We had a future planned together, she only just finished university when she first got sick and things were perfect between us, we had our whole lives ahead of us. I can’t imagine life without her and feel very guilty that I’m the one still here. It feels like the worlds still spinning, everyones getting on with their lives but I’m stuck in place, hell I can’t even spend more than a minute in our room. I don’t understand why things had to end up like this. She was always the one I could go to when times got tough and we always made it through but I just don’t know anymore. It absolutely kills me to think that the girl I wanted to spend my life with and have so many memories with isn’t here anymore, I long for her all day and all night.
Don’t know why I’m so nervous for tomorrow, it just never gets any easier, there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. I think I try to let people know that I’m not coping at all with being alone but I think I’m a broken record now and everyone has their own lives to go on with. I call a hotline like every other night and just thinking of that makes me sad too. I did a safety plan with my counsellor too, which makes me realise how bad things are too, nothing seems to be good at all.
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Hello @dlstewart
Thankyou for sharing your story xx To hear where you are at 19mths later gives me hope & insight after only 4mths xx Some situations are scary to go through alone but my mind is telling me it will be OK on the other side..l do believe that. Living in the moment instead of my anxiety taking over propelling me to places I don’t even know yet . I try to keep feeling the Pride my partner had for me in just about everything I attempted that makes me feel good about myself xx
Love & Strength to you @dlstewart xxhi @dlstewart
sorry for my late response. @onlinecommunity pointed out that you had made a comment here for me, jackM and tiki.your reflection that perhaps the new parts of you emerging are perhaps a gift of your partners death.. that is beautiful. it made me think of my mother and all the hobbies and activities i picked up after she passed on. its true, she left me with many gifts. somehow, she is never too far.
Hi JackM, tiki and GL,
I lost my beautiful partner unexpectedly 19 months ago. The initial shock, deep grief which showed up often as anxiety until each time I could cry it out, and then the continued sense of being lost in the world was something I had never anticipated. I reached out and chatted with close, trusted friends and griefline. I chatted whenever I needed… Every day /night… I needed to talk it out and connect with people. I thought I had lost my self and that I was going “down the drain”. I kept in touch with my doctor and sought out Grief Counselling. The first 6 months were hard and disorienting. Then Covid came along and the whole world was going into a spiral of loss and disorientation.. it was amazing and very isolating. Just know I could call a helpline was comforting. Please don’t judge yourself by reaching out to helplines. At times I got the most amazing connections with counsellors and it helped me keep my head above water. I kept believing deep down that there had to be a reason for him to be gone and me still here even though its didn’t make senses to my mind. I wanted to honour him by hanging in there and still be in this world… I want him to be proud and we will meet up again down the road. If you have seen the film Nomadland you will know that is a key and powerful message.
Now 19 months on and with the help of ongoing counselling and support, and my own actions in joining some new groups, ie bushwalking and film groups, doing lots of walking and exercise.. I am discovering a new part of myself emerging. A part of me that would not have been there had my partner still been around. In a way I am seeing it as a gift of his death… its a new strength which I get to discover and integrate into my life. My partner is there in my awareness every day… in a positive and loving way. He is in my heart and that will never change. I still can’t believe he isn’t here. He was so full of fun, sensitive and passionate and a larger than life personality. Always loved…
hi @jackm
im sorry for your loss. i relate to your feeling of nervousness aswell. i feel anxious and nervous often and i dont know why. i think it is the deep loneliness, like even when im surounded by people, nobody really understands and i want to keep repeating myself and ruminating. silent screams. as if the only person who truly listened and understood was my mum and now nobody can understand the way she did. and its true. nobody can replace the loved one that we have lost. and i think thats what the loneliness is really about. we just keep looking for that person and finding meaning and connection to things that remind us of them.sigh… grief really sucks.
If I may…being kind to yourself helps. It is six weeks since I lost my partner… it is hard & I understand the “meaninglessness ” you feel. Everything we did was firstly for each other so living in the family place is full of memories it doesn’t seem to mean the same…the passion to take care of the garden , the house , ourselves but I find it is because of the love we shared & still do is my motivation to take care of myself & our pet & all other things . Thinking of the love we shared can give me strength . I hope you can find a little peace for yourself. Take Care xx
Hi @JackM, welcome to the forums. We are so glad you have reached out and thank you for your courage in sharing your story of love and loss with us. In return, you have our understanding and support as you navigate these early days in the grief process.
With the passing of your beautiful partner only one month ago it sounds like your grief experience is very intense right now… finding it hard to accept the loss, feeling confused, stuck, guilty and with no purpose…these are all the hallmarks of this early period and something our community describes often. We hope it helps for you to know that you are not alone in this.
You mention you feel like you’re letting her down by being sad, so perhaps you can’t see the brave and pro-active steps you are taking to heal every day…letting people know you’re not coping, calling the hotline, opening up to your counsellor and expressing yourself in writing here on the forums. This is all really significant work you are doing. And while you feel like you don’t have a purpose, all of this work has real purpose to it…you are navigating and processing your grief. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge the enormous strength you are mustering every day.
Right now it’s also important to take care of your mental, emotional and physical health. Here are some self-care tips which we’ve hand-picked for you from the Griefline website. There are many more here.
• Identify and name your feelings. Rather than avoiding them or fighting them, try to accept them and slowly they will become easier to manage.
• When you feel negative emotions try mood-regulating techniques such as mindfulness, slow breathing or prayer (try the Mindfulness exercise on Griefline’s website here).
• Give yourself permission to cry and give words to your distressing emotions. Work towards distinguishing grief from other feelings such as fear, uncertainty, guilt, shame and anger.
• Practice gratitude exercises. Remind yourself how grateful you are for the time spent with your lost one or how thankful you are for others’ love and support. It’s often helpful to tell them too.
• Create a safe and comforting space for yourself. This can be in real life or your imagination (try the Reflecting on Positive Experiences mindfulness exercise on Griefline’s website https://griefline.org.au/resources/rest-and-relaxation/).We hope this will be of some help either now or over the coming months. We will be thinking of you tomorrow on the Anniversary, and invite you to let us know how you’re getting through. 🌸
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