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Lost my 16yr old Daughter to Cancer

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  • #19877
    KB2146
    Participant

    Almost 9 months ago I lost my 16 yr old daughter to Cancer. We battled Neuroblastoma for 3 years until there were not more treatments.
    I dont know if I have really even started to grieve.
    I feel like I have lost my purpose in life and I just go through the daily motions. I still have my 11 year old Son and other aspects of my life are good but I dont find any joy in things anymore. I still cry daily and wish for her back. I will never be ok with her being ripped out of my life. I don’t feel like I will ever truly experience happiness again. I dont know if I can continue to put on a happy face when my whole world has fallen to pieces. I no longer fear dying because I feel like each day that passes I am one day closer to being with her again (I do not think about harming myself)
    Does it get better?

Viewing 10 replies - 1 through 10 (of 14 total)
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  • #19884
    VM-Jade
    Participant

    Hi KB2146, thank you so much for sharing your story and I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter at such a young age. I’m really hearing that you and your family carried a lot of heavy emotion over the last 3 years when she was sick, and continue to carry that heavy grief now she is no longer with us. I can’t imagine what that feels like for you, our grief journeys are all so different. I do want to validate that what you are describing is really normal – it’s normal to feel a bit lost and not have joy in your life, and to question if/when you will feel that way again are suffering such a loss. I also want you to be aware that it’s okay to NOT wear a happy face all the time – it’s so important to allow yourself the space and time to acknowledge and really feel all the emotion that is coming up for you. As uncomfortable as that may feel for you, it really does allow the brain to process some of what we are feeling. If we continue to really feel the pain we are in, it gives us permission to start to make some sense of the situation and start to heal that wound. At this time, it is so important to surround yourself with the loving arms of your support network who can lift us up and carry us when it’s just too much to bear. That may be loved ones, family, friends or even a trained counsellor or psychologist. Your GP is also a great support – they can recommend some people or further treatments should you need it.It really helps to find multiple people who make you feel validated and supported.

    Griefline have some great resources, here are some articles I’ve found that may assist you during this time. Please remember that we have trained volunteers who are on the end of the phone if you want to need to speak with someone. Please be kind, gentle and patient with yourself – it must be so difficult to carry those feelings of grief. Take care

    Coping with Grief

    Grief, Loss and Trauma

    #20112
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi there, I understand your grief. I just joined this forum, you’ll find me under ‘buried my son xmas eve’ xxx

    #20156
    VMsunflower
    Participant

    I am so pleased you are reaching out and expressing your feelings about the tragic loss of your daughter at such a young age. We never expect our children to go before us and I cannot begin to imagine how that feels. I can relate to the feelings of not wanting to go on and the inability to enjoy life around you. I had a very dear friend who lost her son at the age of 10 and although she had other sons she too found it so difficult, however in time she was able to move forward and now enjoys the thrill of embracing grandchildren. My own daughter has been very ill and we too have had to face the very real thought of losing her, but she continues to fight for her young family. I have kept a journal and I find that being able to write and express my feelings so helpful. It helps me work through and recognise what feelings I am dealing with. I write about the hard times but also record the many “fun” times we have together.
    It will take time, but it will get better. Be kind to yourself.

    #20158
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi there, I hear your words, they echo mine. I lost my 19yr old son to cancer-related complications just 3 months ago.
    If ever you want to chat, I feel like I am in the same space as you.
    One of the participants posted on my thread about a support group coming up in May. I wonder if you were also invited?
    I’ve never done zoom before, but know I really need this. Hope there were some bright moments in your day xx

    #20332
    grievingmum
    Participant

    KB2146, I lost my 6 year old daughter to Leukaemia on March 30th, 17 days ago. Three days after her 6th birthday. We had been undergoing chemotherapy for 2 years & 4 months, 3 weeks off ringing the bell, she relapsed. But hope wasn’t lost, we were in QCH preparing for a BMT (on the safest ward, in the safest room) when she suddenly and unexpectedly contracted a fungal brain infection and died.
    I can’t believe I am alive, and she is not. It is impossible. I wish I was with her.. (also not considering harm) but I wish I’d die of heartbreak or be struck by lightning.
    She was alive. Now she’s dead. One minute I had her sweet arms around me, now she’s gone. How does this even happen? Why?
    I am now clutching remnants of her life, toys she loved, pajamas she wore.. but I don’t want that. I want her.
    She has 2 other brothers, 9 & 11, but I feel completely broken. It’s just wrong. She was 6.

    #20333
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi grievingmum, a hug from another grieving mum. I can feel the weight of your pain in your words and want to reassure you are heard and not alone in this.
    I think it’s incredibly brave of you to reach out so soon after losing your baby girl. I can offer words of empathy, but it’s your words that need to be voiced.
    When I first posted I had immediate replies from the facilators with helpful resources, maybe think about creating your own post – this deserves it. I will follow you.
    My son had t-cell ALL, relapsed and had a bmt, I can relate to all the chemo and procedures you endured. I say you, because I understand we, as mums’ endure everything alongside our child. I’m still raw with grief, how is it possible I had to bury my child? How can I possibly live without him ?
    There’s a poem under the forum ‘grieving mother’s I’d invite you to read. It said, everything I couldn’t say, but wanted to voice.
    My son has a twin sister and 2 elder brothers, so I get that you still have to be mum to your two sons. A different mum, but they already know that, and how much you love them.
    As I type this, sitting on my back deck, fondly remembering easter egg hunts, I’m wearing my sons clothes and it’s comforting. Yes, I sit on his bed and talk to him everyday.
    I long to hear his laugh, feel the warmth of his hugs, kiss his cute chubby cheeks, I miss everything more than I feel I can bear.
    And then something unexpected happens, an owl will come and sit right next to me at night, 5 butterflies will land on my shoulder, rosella’s will land on my budgies cage and sing her a song, and somehow my tormented heart feels at peace. However momentary, be watchful for these moments, they are there for you too xxx

    #20566
    debsayge
    Participant

    Dearest KB
    I have just come to this site as desperate to feel in a safe place with other grieving Mumma’s, I’ve read your words which I know don’t even come close to the wretched feelings we have every waking moment now, just wanting/needing to reach out to you to say you are heard and felt by me also as your feelings reflect mine….Kb I’m so sad for you and all you have and do endure and my prayer is always to devote my pain and soul ache to all other grieving Mumma’s. I’ve not been able to speak of my beautiful girl Sayge 19yrs2mths 1 day)!or write about it as yet it’s just too much for me to cope with however reaching out to you is as much as I can bare to say my sweetsayge left on 15/1/21 and I too am without purpose, crying all the time to exhaustion, we have been everything to each other I’m in utter broken disbelief…our story is similar to yours which maybe I could share at another time if you want to keep talking. Isn’t it soooo impossible to speak about, the horrors of that happening to our! Belovedsxx as you I’ve felt deeply the anguish and pain my Sayge had to endure, and what for! Just to lose them. I can’t do anything I’m a mess and I need to feel the understanding of these bereft Mumma’s.
    Thank you for being here bravely sharing as you have so far so as frightened Mumma me can feel I belong somewhere
    Thankyou all for your words of support to all who are tragically here
    Loving hugs For now
    Debxx

    #20713
    debsayge
    Participant

    Dearest KB,
    I’m hoping your reading, and maybe like me pretty incapable of reaching out, yes you are thought of and we are all holding you, it’s unbearable and no one can understand, but us here, and we don’t understand ourselves anymore, we don’t know even who we are anymore, though here we are together somehow and sending you love
    XxDeb

    #20714
    VM-Sunflower22
    Participant

    Hello @KB2146,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am truly heartbroken to hear that you have lost your daughter. There is no greater loss than to lose a loved one and to have lost your own child is just devastating.
    How have you been coping? Have you found something that is helpful for you at this time? I’d really like to hear how you are going.
    Please know that you are not alone in this grief as can be seem by other forum posts by @moon, @grievingmum and @debsayge. I am sorry you are all experiencing this type of heartache and loss. Hopefully @KB2146 you can find some comfort in knowing there are people out there who understand this type of grief and that you feel connected, comfortable and understood on the forums. Please let us know how you are going.
    Sending you healing and strength.
    Take care of yourself.

    #20782
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi there, hoping to hear how you’re going xx

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