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  • #31166
    healingwords
    Participant

    It was 13 years ago today that my parents divorced on paper, and I still can’t move on from it. My mum left my abusive dad when I was 13, but what I felt was two parents abandon me to a big, scary world. My hopes and dreams were shattered. My family would never be normal again. Although, one could argue, was it ever?

    I’m an adult. I’ve worked, made many successful achievements. And yet still all I long for is to be beside my mum and dad. Not mum OR dad, but mum and dad.
    I feel sorry for them, because they both live alone and are old in age. But I resent them for having made the choices they did. I blame them for the hardships I had to face in life. I blame them for the fact I couldn’t pursue my dreams anymore for “practical reasons”, because the divorce took a financial toll on both of them while I was still financially dependent. I blame them for my lost time. I blame them for the fact that they always put themselves first and tarnished my times of celebration again and again and again, because they weren’t willing to suck it up for an hour or two to celebrate what their son had accomplished. And yet, they try to tell me that they love me – empty words. They try to tell me they want the best for me – empty words. Who expects me to believe you when you showed me at such a young age that you cared more about yourselves than you cared for me?

    I can’t stay angry at you forever. Life’s too short for that. And yet, I still am and I can’t get over it on my own.

    Help.

Viewing 2 replies - 1 through 2 (of 2 total)
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  • #31170
    abc01
    Participant

    Hello healingwords,
    I haven’t been in your personal situation, but I do understand blame on family members. I grew up with a sick parent and my other parent was their carer. It felt to me alot like I was invisible. Partly due to the fact that I would try and be a good child and not cause them anymore problems then what was already happening. And that sometimes,especially as a teenager going through the turmoil that is puberty, I felt like they “suddenly saw me and remembered that I was there”. And there very much wasn’t talk about Mental Health or services readily available when I was younger.

    I am not a professional but this maybe useful to hear.

    First of all, have you tried to connect with your GP? They can refer you to mental health services through Medicare that may be very little cost or free. Also continuation with someone you can trust to talk about this can be effective in dealing with and working through this trauma for you. It may take sometime though. Nothing is ever a quick fix. And you don’t get along with every professional you met. You need to mesh well. But stick with it and you will met one.

    You very much have suffered a loss (The divorce) and then secondary losses (all the changes/things that stopped and you’ve had to adjust too unwilling). If you haven’t been able to process them, they are always going to repeat on you. Think of it as a cupboard door. You can only put so much into that cupboard before the door can’t shut properly. And then if it is too full, it just opens on its own and stuff just spills out. We can’t just keep holding things back.

    You have said your parents are old. Now is the time to try to start to heal, because time is too short and you can do something to change that now. Don’t allow yourself to be caught in shoulda,coulda, woulda’s that can plague you and turn blame on yourself in the future.Talking about it is so good. So good on you for talking about it here. Keep talking.

    Through my own mental health care as an adult,the biggest thing I have learned is something that took me a long while to comprehend,but now is my automatic response in these situations. Try to look at your situations from different perspectives. By doing this,you may understand better why someone maybe in their shoes today or back in a moment from the past. You definitely don’t have to agree with their points of view,however as an adult, you maybe ably to understand their feelings and emotions at the time and why they made decisions that they did. And still do. There is no such thing as Black or White in thinking. There is a whole spectrum of shades in between those to. Don’t know how to do this? Talk to lots of people to get their perspective on it. It sounds stupid and pointless,those people have never walked a day in your shoes, however one sentence they might say,may resonate with you and that can be the start of change in the cycle of your thinking. However the first step is to recognise that you are seeing this from only your point of view. Valid as it is.But it is consuming your thoughts.The more information you have,the fuller and complete a picture becomes and perhaps you don’t have all the pieces yet. Or else you can’t find a balance in your mind. An example of this is,think of a vote we just had here in Australia. One side said so and so for their vote AND the other side said so and so for their vote. If we didn’t listen or read up on articles for both parties of the vote,how could we possibly know if we haven’t been told something that counteracts what any of the parties are claiming that they will do if we vote for them? We can’t just take things off face value. It is unwise to do this in today’s world.

    Anger,frustration and resentment can be how our mind and bodies protect ourselves in great moments of sadness and grief,confusion and helplessness, and hopeless and fear. But they are destructive to the point where everyday life can be affected by them. That is when to ask for help. And you have just done that. Keep asking until you find it.

    Your thoughts and feelings are valid. You matter. You have been carrying this for so long by yourself. You are obviously strong and resilient. You don’t need other people’s approval or celebration,although we want it. Celebrate yourself. Approve yourself. Love yourself. Because unfortunately another thing I have learnt is that we can’t control the actions,thoughts or feelings of another person and sometimes we have to accept that this isn’t going to change no matter what we feel or do. And it traps us in a spiral if we try to convince ourselves that we can. But we can always change ourselves in positive ways,that change our daily lives, small step by steps. Don’t stop researching and gaining more insight.

    I wish you luck on your journey. You can reply back if you want to talk more.
    ABC01

    #31197
    VM-RedCat24
    Participant

    Hi @healingwords,

    Thank you for your post and I am glad that you’ve reached out. Parents separating can be devastating for children, particularly when you are in your teenage years and you are so used to them being together. Processing the loss of the family unit is difficult and complex, there is love but also that feeling of resentment.

    I was 16 when my parents separated and that feeling of anger and blaming them for missing out on dreams due to practical reasons, I completely understand. I held anger towards them for years about missing out because of their choices (and sometime still feel it when I visit home without a ‘home’ to stay in). I think something that helped me was realising they were better off apart, and their relationship was not a good, healthy one. It sounds like your mum made a choice to keep you and her safe from abuse and left – maybe that could be something to focus on and might bring some peace? She made a choice to keep you both safe from abuse.

    In my situation I found it possible to move on from the anger, but I think the resentment can reappear around certain situations, as you said with your celebrations, and that is normal to feel that way. I do wonder how it may feel for your parents to see each other after an abusive relationship has occurred, is this something you may feel comfortable to talk about with your mum?

    It’s great that you have recognised you don’t want to stay angry forever. I wonder if you have reached out to any other supports? As abc01 mentioned perhaps reaching out to your GP could be a good resource. It’s important to acknowledge the loss that you have experienced and give yourself time to grieve what once was, and perhaps now is the right time for you to do that.

    When you feel ready, I have included a link below that may be of interest to you:

    Relationship Loss

    Thank you @abc01 for your wonderful response. You have raised some valid points and I would like to reiterate the sentiment that healingwords is strong and resilient. It takes time to grieve and to process the change. It is important to be kind to yourself, give yourself time and space. I know it can be difficult to reach out for help, but please know that you are not alone, and we are here to listen and support you through this.

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