Hello healingwords,
I haven’t been in your personal situation, but I do understand blame on family members. I grew up with a sick parent and my other parent was their carer. It felt to me alot like I was invisible. Partly due to the fact that I would try and be a good child and not cause them anymore problems then what was already happening. And that sometimes,especially as a teenager going through the turmoil that is puberty, I felt like they “suddenly saw me and remembered that I was there”. And there very much wasn’t talk about Mental Health or services readily available when I was younger.
I am not a professional but this maybe useful to hear.
First of all, have you tried to connect with your GP? They can refer you to mental health services through Medicare that may be very little cost or free. Also continuation with someone you can trust to talk about this can be effective in dealing with and working through this trauma for you. It may take sometime though. Nothing is ever a quick fix. And you don’t get along with every professional you met. You need to mesh well. But stick with it and you will met one.
You very much have suffered a loss (The divorce) and then secondary losses (all the changes/things that stopped and you’ve had to adjust too unwilling). If you haven’t been able to process them, they are always going to repeat on you. Think of it as a cupboard door. You can only put so much into that cupboard before the door can’t shut properly. And then if it is too full, it just opens on its own and stuff just spills out. We can’t just keep holding things back.
You have said your parents are old. Now is the time to try to start to heal, because time is too short and you can do something to change that now. Don’t allow yourself to be caught in shoulda,coulda, woulda’s that can plague you and turn blame on yourself in the future.Talking about it is so good. So good on you for talking about it here. Keep talking.
Through my own mental health care as an adult,the biggest thing I have learned is something that took me a long while to comprehend,but now is my automatic response in these situations. Try to look at your situations from different perspectives. By doing this,you may understand better why someone maybe in their shoes today or back in a moment from the past. You definitely don’t have to agree with their points of view,however as an adult, you maybe ably to understand their feelings and emotions at the time and why they made decisions that they did. And still do. There is no such thing as Black or White in thinking. There is a whole spectrum of shades in between those to. Don’t know how to do this? Talk to lots of people to get their perspective on it. It sounds stupid and pointless,those people have never walked a day in your shoes, however one sentence they might say,may resonate with you and that can be the start of change in the cycle of your thinking. However the first step is to recognise that you are seeing this from only your point of view. Valid as it is.But it is consuming your thoughts.The more information you have,the fuller and complete a picture becomes and perhaps you don’t have all the pieces yet. Or else you can’t find a balance in your mind. An example of this is,think of a vote we just had here in Australia. One side said so and so for their vote AND the other side said so and so for their vote. If we didn’t listen or read up on articles for both parties of the vote,how could we possibly know if we haven’t been told something that counteracts what any of the parties are claiming that they will do if we vote for them? We can’t just take things off face value. It is unwise to do this in today’s world.
Anger,frustration and resentment can be how our mind and bodies protect ourselves in great moments of sadness and grief,confusion and helplessness, and hopeless and fear. But they are destructive to the point where everyday life can be affected by them. That is when to ask for help. And you have just done that. Keep asking until you find it.
Your thoughts and feelings are valid. You matter. You have been carrying this for so long by yourself. You are obviously strong and resilient. You don’t need other people’s approval or celebration,although we want it. Celebrate yourself. Approve yourself. Love yourself. Because unfortunately another thing I have learnt is that we can’t control the actions,thoughts or feelings of another person and sometimes we have to accept that this isn’t going to change no matter what we feel or do. And it traps us in a spiral if we try to convince ourselves that we can. But we can always change ourselves in positive ways,that change our daily lives, small step by steps. Don’t stop researching and gaining more insight.
I wish you luck on your journey. You can reply back if you want to talk more.
ABC01
