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Loss of best friend then mother then father. Feeling lost.

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Home Forums Loss of a loved one Loss of best friend then mother then father. Feeling lost.

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  • #22379
    diwags
    Participant

    My best friend passed unexpectedly a few years before my mum passed 2018 and then dad passed one year later. It’s been four years since mum passed and the Queen passed today and I’m back to crying and feeling sad as the queen reminds me of mum, looks similar. I have guilt around all their passing and can’t seem to heal with time.

Viewing 7 replies - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • #22383
    VM-Mancha1
    Participant

    Hello diwags,

    it can be natural for us to believe that time will ‘heal all things’, but unfortunately, grief often doesn’t work that way, as it seems you are experiencing. I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve gone through, I can only imagine how painful it must be. I can feel the sadness in your words, and your hope to heal.

    Losing someone we love is always hard, but losing several people so close together must have been traumatic for you. Trauma can interact with grief and lead to something called prolonged (or complicated) grief. This is where you can feel like you are stuck in one place and feel unable to get past the losses you’ve experienced, which sounds like it might be relevant to you. There is some more information on that here: https://griefline.org.au/resources/types-of-grief/, if that helps.

    Firstly, I want to say that acceptance of how you are feeling is a good first step; it’s okay to be where you are, right now, given what you’ve experienced. Feeling sad and crying often, seeing reminders everywhere, these are normal responses to grief and loss and there is no time-limit on them, especially in circumstances like yours. I feel that you are perfectly valid in what you’re feeling, and I think you’ve shown great strength and courage coming to Griefline and telling us a little of your story. Sometimes it’s hard to see our own strengths, but reaching out and sharing, asking for help or understanding, these are absolutely strengths to build on. I’m sure you have many others too, and now is a good time to begin looking for them.

    I also think it’s important to find and use all the supports you can. Grief is hard for everyone, and overcoming such a series of losses might need every support available to you. The people here in the forum are all people who’ve felt grief and understand its sting, and are very supportive to share with. The Griefline help line is there Monday to Friday from early to late, to help you if you feel overwhelmed – and Griefline also offers some other services and supports, depending on where you are in Australia. Diwags, I hope you reach out for some form of support or counselling, reach out to your family and friends and support networks, because there is no need to be alone in this – we are there with you.

    #22387
    diwags
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your thoughts. I wasn’t expecting that😌You are totally right with what you have said. I will go to the link you advised. I’m afraid that I am not a very social person and over the years I have distanced myself from all friends, and my best friend and mother were my only confidants and now there is no one. I guess that is why I connected to this site. I have tried to reach out to the previous counsellors, as I have had depression for the best part of my life, however I cannot get appointments due to an overwhelming influx of clientele. I had experienced 2 miscarriages in my 30’s and after many issues I was blessed with 2 children however suffered post natal depression with both and that took me down a path that caused a lot of anxiety that effected the family to this day. The worse thing is I am 63 years old now and for some reason I feel guilty for everything that has happened throughout my families life and I can’t seem to get passed it. Thank you for your time and allowing me this space to explain.

    #22388
    vmremember
    Participant

    Hello Diwags,

    I saw your reply and I thought I would respond.

    The grief and loss that you are experiencing from past miscarriages and post-natal depression are not unusual for some women. It is known as a residual trauma and different events may trigger it hence the sense of guilt you have. The guilt you describe is possibly due to your past trauma of these experiences having not been resolved or for a healing process not to have occurred for you.

    Please don’t feel that you are alone. Griefline is here for you when other friends or family are not able to support you.

    If you access the site below, Griefline offers a toll-free helpline between the hours of 8am and 8pm Monday to Friday (AEST), or you can Book a call at a time that suits you and talk to one of the Griefline support workers.

    Please reach out to Greifline during this challenging time for you and book a call.

    Free telephone support

    #22381
    vmzinnia
    Participant

    Hello @diwags, it sounds like today has been a really hard day for you and you’ve lost many very close people in the last few years. I’m glad you are reaching out and talking about how you are going. I think the sadness you are feeling about the loss of the Queen and memories of your mum is a reflection of how deeply you love and miss your mum. This is a normal grieving reaction – when we have a reminder, sometimes it’s an anniversary or a birthday, it can bring you back to face the loss, even years later. Is there anything that has helped you in the past?

    Keep reading and connecting on the forums if it is helpful. Another option over the weekend is our new ‘Book a Call’ service – https://griefline.org.au/get-help/book-a-call/. You can book a call at a time that suits you and one of the Griefline volunteers will give you a call.

    I know the news about the Queen is everywhere at the moment, I wonder if trying to minimise this by staying away from the news etc. is a good idea. There are some ideas about other things that might help in this article on the griefline website – https://griefline.org.au/resources/understanding-the-symptoms-of-grief/

    #22399
    VM- cookie
    Participant

    Hi @diwags,

    Sorry for your loss, its normal to feel sad when someone reminds you of your loved ones.

    You mentioned that you’re feeling guilty about their passing. It is normal and valid for you to feel this way, and I’m wondering what caused these feelings of guilt?

    Also, have you tried writing a goodbye letter to your loved ones? Perhaps exploring how you feel about their loss, and what you miss about them?

    Feel free to keep sharing your story on the forums, we’re here to listen.

    Take care

    #22401
    diwags
    Participant

    I just want to say thank you to all who replied and for the very useful advice. Answers to why I feel guilt with each loss is I had not returned a call a week prior to my best friends death.There were things left unsaid and unknown.Time had passed due to distance and busy lives and I had looked forward to our meeting up when we retired, to have the time to catch up and cover what we had missed and to tell her something that had happened to me and my family, that only she would understand and to share with, now that chance is gone and I’m still carrying it.
    For both mum and dad circumstances around their decline and passing, like everyone, there were things not dealt with right and dad died alone in hospital and I didn’t think properly or sensibly around their dying days and hours. I will leave it there as I most likely am not making much sense as there are so many parts of this that are not included and that is where I feel the need to see a therapist to sort all of it out. Once again thank you as I have found just posting my issues and getting the advice from the replies seems to have helped me feel a little less isolated.

    #22445
    vmtheelephant
    Participant

    Hi @diwags, thanks so much for being brave and opening up about all of the difficult experiences you’ve had in your life. From what you’ve shared with us, you seem like you have a lot of resilience to keep going.

    It’s never easy feeling guilty about what’s happened between people you love, but hopefully it makes you feel a bit better to think of where the guilt comes from. Your feelings show that you are a caring and compassionate person, and that’s something you will always have. Writing a letter to your loved ones could be very helpful, and you could even write what you wish you had the chance to say.

    Please know you’re always welcome on the forums, no matter it is that you feel like you need to write. And if you ever feel like talking to someone in person, you can always call the helpline too.

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