Losing friends and what to do

[dpowell3840]

Hi all
I don’t post here that often but i am feeling I have no where else to turn to. I have always struggled with friendships all my life and I am finding now, I am struggling even more and it’s worrying me.
My mother died earlier this year, Dad 17 years ago, have no brothers or sisters, grandparents are gone, no partner, no kids, I am nearly 40 years old. Along with losing my mother this year, I am losing friends. I discovered who were the lurkers, the ones that wanted to be there whenever something happened to feel to be apart of “the action”….And that limited me down to a very small handful of friends.

I have grown up believing these things:
Friendship is a two way street
Not everyone agrees with you
Friendship is give and take
People change

While I respect that and I admit I have changed and all, I am still trying to be the same person that I have always been, down to earth, being there for everyone as much as I can. The trouble I am having is that of the handful of friends I have left, only about 3 of them contact me reguarlarly while I am being the one to contact nearly everyone and I find it hard to have conversations.

I have tried to be open with them about how I am feeling, what is happening with me (physically and mentally – both are not good at the moment, especially mentally), even writing a 5 page letter to them to try and get my point across, to try and get them to be with me before my Mum died. I just get ignored.

What do I do? I don’t have any friends where I live as I was limited to outdoor things because of caring for my mother and because live in Victoria, with Covid. I already have anxieties on top of everything. I just don’t know what to do. I have bared my soul to the friends, as they say when you want to talk, talk, but I have to make the first move 99% of the time. Do I try and find new friends?

Thank you

Denise

Topic

[Halffull]

Hi @dpowell3840,

I realise it’s been a few months now since you posted and I hope your situation has changed for the better in that time, even if only little bit by little bit, which can often be the case. Grief can be a long process too though so just wanted to reply to let you know that you are not alone, despite how it may feel sometimes. I hope when you didn’t get an answer here you reached out to the Griefline helpline or another helpline, or someone else in your life who has been helpful in the past. Keep on talking.

[vmzinnia]

Hello @dpowell3840 and @halffull, it has been a while since there was a reply on this thread but I wanted to reply because it’s something I’ve been through as well. Losing friends is so hard, especially when you feel like you are the only one making an effort to keep the friendship going. I have moved towns quite a bit over the last few years and with COVID it has also disrupted some routines that helped me feel connected to friends. It’s sad when you feel like you are losing touch with people you were once really close to.

For me, one thing I found helpful since the lockdowns ended has been volunteering in community activities. I volunteer at the community art centre and at a local sports club. This was hard at first because I felt uncomfortable ‘putting myself out there’ and getting to know people initially, but now these activities are something I do every weekend and it has helped me feel more connected to people again. Although I am not ‘friends’ with everyone at these activities I am definitely getting to know some people better and I think with time I could start to call 1 or 2 of them friends.

I wonder how things are going for you now @dpowell3840?

[dpowell3840]

Hi @vmzinnia Thankyou for messaging me. I completely forgot about I wrote a post here. Since I last posted, things have rapidly changed a lot since the last post. A lot more people have faded from my life, and I have by choice because of history and events, removed myself from my Dad’s family so that the only family I have are an Uncle and his wife (my new aunt) and a few selected people.

That is wonderful that you joining groups has helped you with the community. For me I haven’t been able to. I have severe anxiety and trying to get help around that at the moment. My anxiety has depression has worsened so much this year. Glad to hear that you have found something for you.

[vmremember]

Hi @dpowell3840,

Thank you for reaching out to the forum again. I want to acknowledge your inner strength for reaching out and to let you know you are not alone. You said that you have had big changes and the friendships have dwindled and that your anxiety and depression have worsened. I wonder who else you have been able to reach out to for support for your anxiety and depression? Beyond Blue and Lifeline?

The Griefline website offers some resources that might be helpful to you and I have attached the site here https://griefline.org.au/resources/ – There is a loneliness and isolation and the EAST resources that could be useful. On the Griefline website this is a zoom support group for the South Eastern Melbourne Primary Health Network that you might like to look at. It can be found in the get help tab.

Changes in relationships with family and friends is never an easy experience as you are losing part of that lived experience and journey that you’ve had with them and this brings a sadness into our hearts and creates emotional turmoil. Is that what you have been experiencing? Part of the healing journey is remembering who you are, your beliefs and values, the friends you do have and the need to be kind and loving to yourself.

Remember to keep reaching out to the forum and stay connected.

[dpowell3840]

Hi @vmremember Beyond Blue definitely did not help me at all. I contacted my personal contacts to help me, Lifeline at one stage for someone to talk to.

[vmzinnia]

Hi @dpowell3840, thanks for writing back. It has been a while since your original post here. Sorry to hear that more people have faded from your life since then. I hear what you’re saying about finding some services not helpful. I guess it’s about what works for you in your situation, so I’m glad you had some personal contacts that have helped you through. You said you’re in the process of trying to get help for anxiety and depression, would you like to talk about what you’ve tried and anything that has been helpful, or not? If you don’t want to talk about that, that’s ok too. Hoping you find something that works for you.

[dahliahester]

Hey Denise! It’s been a long time since your last time. I just came across your post and wanted to know how you’re doing. I’m sorry to hear about your mom and what you’re going through. It can be tough losing friends, especially during hard times. It’s totally normal to feel worried and alone. You’ve tried talking to your current friends about it, but it doesn’t seem like they’re getting it. That’s really disappointing.

[dahliahester]

But don’t worry, there are plenty of people out there who will appreciate and support you for who you are. Maybe it’s time to find new friends who vibe with the new you. It can be exciting to meet new people who understand what you’re going through. Dealing with anxiety on top of everything is a lot to handle. If you feel up to it, it might be helpful to talk to a professional or join a support group. My doctor helped me a lot with fighting derealization ( https://fherehab.com/learning/depersonalization-derealization ). Taking care of your mental health is super important, and there are people out there who can help you through it.

[Author]

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