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I found out he cheated, what next?

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  • #31176
    grief4whatcouldbe
    Participant

    My partner (Male, early 20’s) and I (Male, late 20’s) have recently celebrated our 3 year anniversary together. We have signed on for a lease and we’re, at least from my perspective, happy in our little life that we were setting up with each other. We would often discuss what we would like “our” wedding to look like and how to make it feel like a celebration of us and discuss when we could get our first cat.

    I accidentally found out that he had cheated on me a few weeks prior. I say accidentally because we were both watching something on his phone when I noticed an app on his phone that is synonymous for casual physical contact.

    He is not very good at communicating and shuts down, so I had to yell at him to slowly drag it out of him. When I asked if he had been with someone else, he looked away and slowly nodded. In this whole experience he didn’t say anything, while I felt my life but turned upside down.

    I am fueled with anger, of the things I want to do and say. I want to tell his family and friends of the things he did to ruin this relationship. I pull myself off that ledge every time because in doing so, I reduce myself to his level. When I ask him what his motives are, he says it was the pull of immediate satisfaction.

    His communication has been selfish and unempathetic, he is scared of being alone. But tells me that if I hadn’t accidentally found out, he would have most likely met up with other person, again.

    This all hurts me so much, I have the wildest mood swings – from signing in the shower to be sitting on the shower floor crying. I feel like I’ve been ruined and my life has been thrown upside down and none of it was in my control. The life I could see in my near future, now feels like a sick joke. Life now is a dream I can’t wake up from.

    Yet in all of this, I have the smallest feeling of empathy for him, that he is scared. I hate myself for even feeling this for him, for someone who didn’t think about me, before ruining us.

    I don’t know how to rebuild.

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  • #31180
    VM-Tzimisce
    Participant

    Hi @grief4whatcouldbe

    Everything you are experiencing is entirely normal. Those mood swings? That’s normal when you’re grieving a loss. And you are grieving right now, even if you’re primary emotion is anger and betrayal. Not only are you grieving for the future you had together, you are grieving for the image of the man you loved that has now been destroyed. Not only is a relationship ending, but the way you perceive him has also changed and can never go back. That is a loss as harsh as any other.

    We have a factsheet for relationship loss that I think might help you out a bit. You can find it here https://griefline.org.au/resources/relationship-loss/ . Please, give yourself time. What you are going through is just as hard as any other loss. Your feelings are valid, whether those feelings are anger, betrayal or sadness. If you would like to talk to someone who can lend you an ear, our volunteers can be reached at 1300 845 745 between 8 AM and 8 PM AEST daily. No loss is too little or too big and we would be happy to listen to you.

    Remember to be kind to yourself during this time.

Viewing 1 replies (of 1 total)
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