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My dad had a very stressful job which caused him PTSD, there was covid, and him and my mum got divorced only months before the major lockdown in 2020. So he lost my mum, his travel freedom, then my sister went to live with my mum, and i was the last one left that stayed with him. But then on fathers day last year we had a huge fight and i left too. I went to live with my mum and i have been ever since until i got the news that he killed himself.
We still had contact and stuff but obviously that creates more distant than living with someone. He made me really upset, and although we made up and i resumed visiting him, my sister and i didnt accept any invitations to sleep over at all in those 3 months since i left and he died.
I feel like i was the last straw. I feel like he needed me and i failed him.
I looked back on the Christmas card he gave me in 2020. It said “you may not know this, but without your help over the first half year, i may have struggled. U took on responsibilities to look after your sister and keep things stable”. So it is clear he needed me then (eventhough i didnt know), but i think he still needed me and i let him down.
I regret not trying to show him that i needed him too because in his suicide note he said “I am glad you are being looked after in a family unit where you get the love and support you need”, and i wish he knew that i would much rather have his love than my step dad’s love 🙁
I am angry with myself, and with him 🙁
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