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I feel like I was the last straw for my dad’s suicide :(

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Home Forums Loss of a loved one I feel like I was the last straw for my dad’s suicide :(

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  • #21529

    My dad had a very stressful job which caused him PTSD, there was covid, and him and my mum got divorced only months before the major lockdown in 2020. So he lost my mum, his travel freedom, then my sister went to live with my mum, and i was the last one left that stayed with him. But then on fathers day last year we had a huge fight and i left too. I went to live with my mum and i have been ever since until i got the news that he killed himself.

    We still had contact and stuff but obviously that creates more distant than living with someone. He made me really upset, and although we made up and i resumed visiting him, my sister and i didnt accept any invitations to sleep over at all in those 3 months since i left and he died.

    I feel like i was the last straw. I feel like he needed me and i failed him.

    I looked back on the Christmas card he gave me in 2020. It said “you may not know this, but without your help over the first half year, i may have struggled. U took on responsibilities to look after your sister and keep things stable”. So it is clear he needed me then (eventhough i didnt know), but i think he still needed me and i let him down.

    I regret not trying to show him that i needed him too because in his suicide note he said “I am glad you are being looked after in a family unit where you get the love and support you need”, and i wish he knew that i would much rather have his love than my step dad’s love 🙁

    I am angry with myself, and with him 🙁

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  • #21539

    Dear @teew, I am so sorry for the loss of your father. It is completely normal to be feeling a mixture of emotions when grieving. It sounds like you have also been dealing with a lot of difficult changes since the lockdown and you must have great strength. Your dad’s message in the Christmas card shows immense pride for your love and resilience as a person and as a daughter and how much he appreciated you. I’m wondering if it would be helpful to write your dad a letter, to express these feelings to him or to speak them out loud to him?

    Please feel free to reach out to the Griefline help volunteers anytime between 6am-midnight if you need to talk.

    You can also register for an online support group by filling in the form at the bottom of this webpage

    I hope you’re able to find some support.

    Take care.


    Hi teew,

    Thank you for reaching out to us to support you through this very difficult time. I am so sorry for your loss. It’s clear that you loved your father very much given all the support, care and strength you have showed him over the years. The Christmas card he wrote to you is a beautiful reminder of how much you were there for him throughout some tough times in his life and should serve as a reminder of the beautiful and strengthening relationship you both had.

    Your decision to not live with your dad was made out of wanting to protect your own mental health and that is always a good decision.

    Its very understandable that you are feeling many mixed emotions at the moment including anger. As you allow yourself to move through these emotions, its important that you do not accept blame for what your fathers decided to do or his actions.

    I wonder if right now while you are coming to terms with your loss, are you ensuring you also practicing self care ? Are you getting enough sleep and making time to get outside and go for a walk?

    I have attached links to our griefline resources including understanding symptoms of grief and coping with grief, and some tools for relaxation.

    Coping with Grief

    Tools For Rest and Relaxation

    Please continue to reach out to us, we are here for you. x

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