I am broken

[gracie]

Today I feel like I have broken and I feel shattered.
It’s been 11 months since my darling daughter Shanti was killed in a motorbike incident. I found comfort in moving towns, starting a new job in an effort to rewrite new stories etc.
Now I just feel lost, broken, and drowning in such sadness. So much to express and no where to put my feelings, so I’m glad to be able to write here today.
Staying strong for my other children, putting my work face on too.
I’m frozen in this new reality without my daughter. She was the brightest star, the funniest, bravest, and boldest young woman. There’s a empty hole in my heart and today is extremely difficult.

Topic

[VMSal]

Dear Gracie,

I feel your pain and extend my deepest condolences on your loss. Losing a child is one of the hardest losses to bear, especially when it happens unexpectedly.

I can sense your strength – moving towns and starting a new job are challenging things to do in normal circumstances, let alone after such a traumatic loss, yet you pulled together to do it for the sake of your other children and yourself, and you are choosing to stay strong. You have also found the strength to open up and express your grief here. That is another brave thing to do.

As the first anniversary of your loss approaches, it will understandably get harder. It may be why you are feeling everything even more keenly despite the steps you have taken thus far. Just thinking in terms of ‘my loved one’s first death anniversary’ is terrible and shocking, and it can bring it all back. I speak from experience.

Please know that this is an expected and natural part of the grief journey. Anniversaries, especially the first, and other significant dates in your family, can be harder and more challenging times than usual. But you will get through them.

Though it feels like you are drowning in sadness right now, you have actually taken a step towards helping yourself in reaching out here. You may find it further helpful to make a plan to navigate through your grief at this time. This can help bring some structure to reduce the overwhelm, as you continue adjusting to this new reality.

This may be a plan perhaps for some self-care, or perhaps to do something to honour Shanti’s memory. It can be something as simple as lighting a candle in her memory, or something else that you feel is appropriate. You know best.

We, as a community, are here for you, and are holding you in our thoughts. Please reach out again to let us know how you are getting on. Till then, take care.

[gracie]

Thank you for your kind reply. Yes the one year anniversary is getting closer, so as you say, emotions are getting stronger.
I have taken a few days off my work to sit and talk with my daughter. To cry and to feel the love I have for her. I’m not sure if it helps. It doesn’t really bring any immediate peace, yet I felt compelled to sit in the space with her.
The pain is like a ripping sensation and my mind has troubled making a cohesive new framework to work from that makes sense. So instead I just surrender further to the pain and allow it to wash over me.
Thank you again and I’m sorry that we share this grief .

[Moon]

Hi Gracie, I’m hearing you. A mother who also buried their child just over a year ago. If you’d like to chat I’m hear to listen…
I thought I was doing okay, considering, these last few months, when life seems to go on in his absence, now I’m not so sure.
It’s impossible for a parent to adjust to life without our child, wherever we go, they are with us.
This is a song my son sent to me in his last days, I always find comfort in music, hope you can too xx

[gracie]

Thank you for your heart warming reply. You are right when you say it’s impossible to adjust to this new life without my child. Today I managed to laugh ( oooh how much my daughter used to make everyone laugh!) But I also cried and had to catch my breath several times. I thought I was doing ok too in the first 6 months, but I’m even more devastated now.
I’m very sorry that you have lost your son, it is just horrible and cruel. It’s never going to be ok, we find a way but will always carry a deep sadness until our last breath. Xx

[vmiris]

Hello Gracie and Moon,

Thank you for your posts and for sharing here. I am so sorry to hear of your losses. While I am not fond of the title here, I recently came across this talk by a researcher Lucy Hone, who herself is a mother whose daughter died. Maybe something in it will provide some comfort or support. Sending you both and all our grievers and brave people here in our beautiful community love. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-5SMpg7Q0k

[Moon]

Hi Gracie, Hi vm, just watched the video, thank you. My dear friend Deb, who also lost her daughter sent me this when we first chatted on this forum, thought I’d share

For Grieving Mothers
by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore
I am a mother. I am a bereaved mother. My child died, and this is my reluctant path. It is not a path of my choice, but it is a path I must walk mindfully and with intention. It is a journey through the darkest night of my soul and it will take time to wind through the places that scare me.
Every cell in my body aches and longs to be with my beloved child. On days when grief is loud, I may be impatient, distracted, frustrated, and unfocused. I may get angry more easily, or I may seem hopeless. I will shed many, many, many tears. I won’t smile as often as my old self. Smiling hurts now. Most everything hurts some days, even breathing.
But please, just sit beside me.
Say nothing.
Do not offer a cure.
Or a pill, or a word, or a potion.
Witness my suffering and don’t turn away from me.
Please be gentle with me.
And I will try to be gentle with me too.
I will not ever “get over” my child’s death so please don’t urge me down that path.
Even on days when grief is quiescent, when it isn’t standing loudly in the foreground, even on days when I am even able to smile again, the pain is just beneath the surface.
There are days when I still feel paralyzed. My chest feels the sinking weight of my child’s absence and, sometimes, I feel as if I will explode from the grief.
Losing my child affects me in so many ways: as a woman, a mother, a human being. It affects every aspect of me: spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally. There are days when I barely recognize myself in the mirror anymore.
Grief is as personal to me as my fingerprint. Don’t tell me how I should or shouldn’t be grieving or that I should or shouldn’t “feel better by now.” Don’t tell me what’s right or wrong. I’m doing it my way, in my time. If I am to survive this, I must do what is best for me.
My understanding of life will change and a different meaning of life will slowly evolve. What I knew to be true or absolute or real or fair about the world has been challenged so I’m finding my way, moment-to-moment in this new place. Things that once seemed important to me are barely thoughts any longer. I notice life’s suffering more- hungry children, the homeless and the destitute, a mother’s harsh voice toward her young child- or an elderly person struggling with the door. There are so many things about the world which I now struggle to understand: Why do children die? There are some questions, I’ve learned, which are simply unanswerable.
So please don’t tell me that “ God has a plan ” for me. This, my friend, is between me and my God. Those platitudes slip far too easily from the mouths of those who tuck their own child into a safe, warm bed at night: Can you begin to imagine your own child, flesh of your flesh, lying lifeless in a casket, when “goodbye” means you’ll never see them on this Earth again? Grieving mothers- and fathers- and grandparents- and siblings won’t wake up one day with everything ’okay’ and life back to normal. I have a new normal now.
As time passes, I may gain gifts, and treasures, and insights but anything gained was too high a cost when compared to what was lost. Perhaps, one day, when I am very, very old, I will say that time has truly helped to heal my broken heart. But always remember that not a second of any minute of any hour of any day passes when I am not aware of the presence of my child’s absence, no matter how many years lurk over my shoulder, don’t forget that I have another one, another child, whose absence, like the sky, is spread over everything as C.S. Lewis said.
My child may have died; but my love – and my motherhood – never will. See less

[Moon]

Hi Gracie, as Deb and many others here know, I often choose music to express x

[Moon]

Hi Gracie, I’m hearing you. A mother who also buried their child just over a year ago. If you’d like to chat I’m hear to listen…
I thought I was doing okay, considering, these last few months, when life seems to go on in his absence, now I’m not so sure.
It’s impossible for a parent to adjust to life without our child, wherever we go, they are with us.
This is a song my son sent to me in his last days, I always find comfort in music, hope you can too xx

[debsayge]

Hello dear Gracie, hi dearest Friend Moon,
All others, sadly here, how I wish our children were here……I’m not doing well, how to, no clue, just the hope others like us can somehow be together, that is all….
I’m still here checking in, feeling deeply our losses which are impossible to bare, really every waking moment….
Ohhh Gracie n Moon how I’d love to just sit and bear witness to our pain together, over cups of tears which are endless, then the heaviness of daily life…..to be really honest I haven’t found any adjustment and am a tired totalled mess, here Gracie you are safe to express and we are here to offer true empathy and care for you in these, impossible days. Without Moon being by my side all these days with her comfort and songs, I don’t think I could have managed this far, Gracie my hope is you will find comfort in our shared anguish, in a world that seems to forget us, here always to share….
Our care comes to you from a deeply sorry understanding space
Love to you today Gracie, love to you Moon always holding you close.
XxDeb

[gracie]

Thank you for sharing Deb, Moon, and Vmiris.
What a lovely and safe place to share our feelings. It’s a turbulent path that’s for sure.I am grateful yet saddened by our common ground. The hole left in our hearts is irreparable. Nothing makes sense, and life carries on.
Everything has changed and life carries on. The questions and emotions are overwhelming somedays, while other days I manage to laugh withy other children. What a fragile walk.

I do hope the last week has been kind to you all, and I truly hope that life managed to sparkle somewhere, somehow for you too. Xx

[Author]

Replies