I am broken

[gracie]

Today I feel like I have broken and I feel shattered.
It’s been 11 months since my darling daughter Shanti was killed in a motorbike incident. I found comfort in moving towns, starting a new job in an effort to rewrite new stories etc.
Now I just feel lost, broken, and drowning in such sadness. So much to express and no where to put my feelings, so I’m glad to be able to write here today.
Staying strong for my other children, putting my work face on too.
I’m frozen in this new reality without my daughter. She was the brightest star, the funniest, bravest, and boldest young woman. There’s a empty hole in my heart and today is extremely difficult.

Topic

[debsayge]

Also Gracie have you heard of compassionate friends, these are peer to peer all child loss people only, there maybe a group nearby, i can’t find one for us as all too far away, we can’t really travel emotionally now….I recently noticed they have a closed online group for us, not into those personally as I’m holding out still for real hugs and people though as that seems impossible so far, apart from this space which , thanks to all, has been something….and as I mentioned for scardy mummas many podcasts from others like us just sharing….
XxDeb

[debsayge]

Hello Gracie,
Just checking in on you, I also wanted to say your beautiful Shanti is often in my thoughts, as is my Sayge, and Jeremy (moon) Scout (grieving mum), and all other loving mothers who’ve felt this way…… I hope you don’t mind as I feel they must be all together as we are, like perhaps they are bringing us together, though it’s not comforting but is somehow…..
I wanted to acknowledge the amazing fortitude you show having moved and started a new life, I was thinking how somehow those early days we seem to move in a shock state perhaps, and now it’s all too real (I say everyday, this isn’t real, can’t be) and somehow with the shock a bit lifted (at times) the pain feels just impossible…..
I wake every morning in tears, I wonder and pray how to get through another !! Day….nights are hard to settle and am up at 2-3 eating and searching for podcasts on child loss, so many hurting mothers, it’s comforting to listen to their wisdom gained or their hurting after so many years, it’s honest…..I think somehow it’s us hurting mummas who will change the world, from our deep pain which will create a deep pool of compassion for all….
I don’t have anyone around my family and have found many people hardly there to begin with are not there at all, this has really crushed me ….. I’ve found this to be called a second grief, as it’s so shocking, it compounds our pain, bringing in more worthless feelings etc…..I keep holding on in the hope for something as I move more deeply within the hurt and longing I hope we here can keep on in hope, for more understanding and depth of our hurting hearts
It will take as Ling as it takes

Loving hugs for us all
Thinking of you
XxDeb (Sayge)

[gracie]

Hello lostinlife.
Yes, you are right – it follows you. There is no where to run or hide from the pain or truth.
Moving has been good, it feels like a new life somehow.
But the sadness is so very deep. I’m sorry you are here but I also welcome you.

[lostinlife]

I am sorry and let my heart break over your loss.

I’m glad you moved (as did I), got a new job. It follows you though.

I’m found new counsellor and hope you have seen someone too – you can find them free at times.

I’m new to forum and wish that you find peace when you can.

[VMSal]

Dear Gracie,

Thank you for letting us know how you are doing. Dear Deb and Moon, heartfelt condolences on your losses.

It is a terrible thing that has brought you all to this space, it is a terrible thing to have in common. Yet out of this come new connections that you are all forging here out of your shared experiences. As you say Gracie, life carries on. It is one of the harshest truths to face; even as your world has changed, the rest of the world still seems to go on as before.

However, it is little but yet not-so-little things like these, messages to one another, sharing songs, sharing words of comfort and inspiration from others who have walked this road, that makes your own journey that little bit more bearable.

So do keep reaching out, encouraging and holding space for one another. That is how we all make it through this.

Wishing each of you strength. xx

[gracie]

Thank you for sharing Deb, Moon, and Vmiris.
What a lovely and safe place to share our feelings. It’s a turbulent path that’s for sure.I am grateful yet saddened by our common ground. The hole left in our hearts is irreparable. Nothing makes sense, and life carries on.
Everything has changed and life carries on. The questions and emotions are overwhelming somedays, while other days I manage to laugh withy other children. What a fragile walk.

I do hope the last week has been kind to you all, and I truly hope that life managed to sparkle somewhere, somehow for you too. Xx

[debsayge]

Hello dear Gracie, hi dearest Friend Moon,
All others, sadly here, how I wish our children were here……I’m not doing well, how to, no clue, just the hope others like us can somehow be together, that is all….
I’m still here checking in, feeling deeply our losses which are impossible to bare, really every waking moment….
Ohhh Gracie n Moon how I’d love to just sit and bear witness to our pain together, over cups of tears which are endless, then the heaviness of daily life…..to be really honest I haven’t found any adjustment and am a tired totalled mess, here Gracie you are safe to express and we are here to offer true empathy and care for you in these, impossible days. Without Moon being by my side all these days with her comfort and songs, I don’t think I could have managed this far, Gracie my hope is you will find comfort in our shared anguish, in a world that seems to forget us, here always to share….
Our care comes to you from a deeply sorry understanding space
Love to you today Gracie, love to you Moon always holding you close.
XxDeb

[Moon]

Hi Gracie, I’m hearing you. A mother who also buried their child just over a year ago. If you’d like to chat I’m hear to listen…
I thought I was doing okay, considering, these last few months, when life seems to go on in his absence, now I’m not so sure.
It’s impossible for a parent to adjust to life without our child, wherever we go, they are with us.
This is a song my son sent to me in his last days, I always find comfort in music, hope you can too xx

[Moon]

Hi Gracie, as Deb and many others here know, I often choose music to express x

[Moon]

Hi Gracie, Hi vm, just watched the video, thank you. My dear friend Deb, who also lost her daughter sent me this when we first chatted on this forum, thought I’d share

For Grieving Mothers
by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore
I am a mother. I am a bereaved mother. My child died, and this is my reluctant path. It is not a path of my choice, but it is a path I must walk mindfully and with intention. It is a journey through the darkest night of my soul and it will take time to wind through the places that scare me.
Every cell in my body aches and longs to be with my beloved child. On days when grief is loud, I may be impatient, distracted, frustrated, and unfocused. I may get angry more easily, or I may seem hopeless. I will shed many, many, many tears. I won’t smile as often as my old self. Smiling hurts now. Most everything hurts some days, even breathing.
But please, just sit beside me.
Say nothing.
Do not offer a cure.
Or a pill, or a word, or a potion.
Witness my suffering and don’t turn away from me.
Please be gentle with me.
And I will try to be gentle with me too.
I will not ever “get over” my child’s death so please don’t urge me down that path.
Even on days when grief is quiescent, when it isn’t standing loudly in the foreground, even on days when I am even able to smile again, the pain is just beneath the surface.
There are days when I still feel paralyzed. My chest feels the sinking weight of my child’s absence and, sometimes, I feel as if I will explode from the grief.
Losing my child affects me in so many ways: as a woman, a mother, a human being. It affects every aspect of me: spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally. There are days when I barely recognize myself in the mirror anymore.
Grief is as personal to me as my fingerprint. Don’t tell me how I should or shouldn’t be grieving or that I should or shouldn’t “feel better by now.” Don’t tell me what’s right or wrong. I’m doing it my way, in my time. If I am to survive this, I must do what is best for me.
My understanding of life will change and a different meaning of life will slowly evolve. What I knew to be true or absolute or real or fair about the world has been challenged so I’m finding my way, moment-to-moment in this new place. Things that once seemed important to me are barely thoughts any longer. I notice life’s suffering more- hungry children, the homeless and the destitute, a mother’s harsh voice toward her young child- or an elderly person struggling with the door. There are so many things about the world which I now struggle to understand: Why do children die? There are some questions, I’ve learned, which are simply unanswerable.
So please don’t tell me that “ God has a plan ” for me. This, my friend, is between me and my God. Those platitudes slip far too easily from the mouths of those who tuck their own child into a safe, warm bed at night: Can you begin to imagine your own child, flesh of your flesh, lying lifeless in a casket, when “goodbye” means you’ll never see them on this Earth again? Grieving mothers- and fathers- and grandparents- and siblings won’t wake up one day with everything ’okay’ and life back to normal. I have a new normal now.
As time passes, I may gain gifts, and treasures, and insights but anything gained was too high a cost when compared to what was lost. Perhaps, one day, when I am very, very old, I will say that time has truly helped to heal my broken heart. But always remember that not a second of any minute of any hour of any day passes when I am not aware of the presence of my child’s absence, no matter how many years lurk over my shoulder, don’t forget that I have another one, another child, whose absence, like the sky, is spread over everything as C.S. Lewis said.
My child may have died; but my love – and my motherhood – never will. See less

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