I am broken

[gracie]

Today I feel like I have broken and I feel shattered.
It’s been 11 months since my darling daughter Shanti was killed in a motorbike incident. I found comfort in moving towns, starting a new job in an effort to rewrite new stories etc.
Now I just feel lost, broken, and drowning in such sadness. So much to express and no where to put my feelings, so I’m glad to be able to write here today.
Staying strong for my other children, putting my work face on too.
I’m frozen in this new reality without my daughter. She was the brightest star, the funniest, bravest, and boldest young woman. There’s a empty hole in my heart and today is extremely difficult.

Topic

[VMSal]

Dear Gracie,

Thank you for letting us know how you are doing. Dear Deb and Moon, heartfelt condolences on your losses.

It is a terrible thing that has brought you all to this space, it is a terrible thing to have in common. Yet out of this come new connections that you are all forging here out of your shared experiences. As you say Gracie, life carries on. It is one of the harshest truths to face; even as your world has changed, the rest of the world still seems to go on as before.

However, it is little but yet not-so-little things like these, messages to one another, sharing songs, sharing words of comfort and inspiration from others who have walked this road, that makes your own journey that little bit more bearable.

So do keep reaching out, encouraging and holding space for one another. That is how we all make it through this.

Wishing each of you strength. xx

[lostinlife]

I am sorry and let my heart break over your loss.

I’m glad you moved (as did I), got a new job. It follows you though.

I’m found new counsellor and hope you have seen someone too – you can find them free at times.

I’m new to forum and wish that you find peace when you can.

[gracie]

Hello lostinlife.
Yes, you are right – it follows you. There is no where to run or hide from the pain or truth.
Moving has been good, it feels like a new life somehow.
But the sadness is so very deep. I’m sorry you are here but I also welcome you.

[debsayge]

Hello Gracie,
Just checking in on you, I also wanted to say your beautiful Shanti is often in my thoughts, as is my Sayge, and Jeremy (moon) Scout (grieving mum), and all other loving mothers who’ve felt this way…… I hope you don’t mind as I feel they must be all together as we are, like perhaps they are bringing us together, though it’s not comforting but is somehow…..
I wanted to acknowledge the amazing fortitude you show having moved and started a new life, I was thinking how somehow those early days we seem to move in a shock state perhaps, and now it’s all too real (I say everyday, this isn’t real, can’t be) and somehow with the shock a bit lifted (at times) the pain feels just impossible…..
I wake every morning in tears, I wonder and pray how to get through another !! Day….nights are hard to settle and am up at 2-3 eating and searching for podcasts on child loss, so many hurting mothers, it’s comforting to listen to their wisdom gained or their hurting after so many years, it’s honest…..I think somehow it’s us hurting mummas who will change the world, from our deep pain which will create a deep pool of compassion for all….
I don’t have anyone around my family and have found many people hardly there to begin with are not there at all, this has really crushed me ….. I’ve found this to be called a second grief, as it’s so shocking, it compounds our pain, bringing in more worthless feelings etc…..I keep holding on in the hope for something as I move more deeply within the hurt and longing I hope we here can keep on in hope, for more understanding and depth of our hurting hearts
It will take as Ling as it takes

Loving hugs for us all
Thinking of you
XxDeb (Sayge)

[debsayge]

Also Gracie have you heard of compassionate friends, these are peer to peer all child loss people only, there maybe a group nearby, i can’t find one for us as all too far away, we can’t really travel emotionally now….I recently noticed they have a closed online group for us, not into those personally as I’m holding out still for real hugs and people though as that seems impossible so far, apart from this space which , thanks to all, has been something….and as I mentioned for scardy mummas many podcasts from others like us just sharing….
XxDeb

[Author]

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