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Home » Topics » Personal relationships » Having difficulty accepting
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  • #13885
    tobz9988
    Participant

    Hi there,
    I’ll try to keep this as short as I can.
    I’m having difficulty accepting the end of a very new and promising relationship.
    I met a guy and we went on a date and we got on really well, far better than anyone I’d met before. He had been seeing someone else casually at the time also, and the more we hung out together, the more it became clear he needed to make a choice. He asked the other guy if he’d like to start a relationship with him, to which the other guy said no. Although, after knowing that he liked someone else, he took that back, so the guy I was seeing needed to make a choice between us both. He told me after dinner one night that he was thinking of choosing me, but a day or two later met up with me and told me he had actually chosen to persue a relationship with the other guy. I was devestated, but was managing to overcome it. 4 days later, he contacted me and asked to see me. He told me he’d made a huge mistake and that he missed me and had chosen the other guy for the wrong reasons. I took him back and eventually we started a relationship with each other. It was really good, we enjoyed each other’s company so much. He told me things about the other guy that he didn’t love him how he loved me, how he’d dodged a bullet, how he really thought the other guy was just meant to be a good friend, and how he didn’t like the person he was when he was with him. After almost 2 weeks of being together he told me he wasn’t sure anymore. He knew he loved me, but he had to choose between a “person” (me) and a “lifestyle”. I knew at this point a breakup was coming. We spoke about it a lot for long periods of time, and he could not tell me that he was not going to get back with the other guy (as they were back in contact and needed to meet up to give each other personal items back). Eventually he called me and said he had decided to not be in a relationship and focus on himself, because he didn’t want to live here and wants to travel the world and live in foreign countries. I accepted this but said it would be hard and I was not okay with what had happened. He said give it a few days and we would talk again. It’s been 9 days now without any contact at all. I sent him a Merry Christmas message on Christmas day which was ignored. I do think he is back ini a relationship with the other guy, and it hurts. I said if he did get back with the other guy that I would find it difficult nearing impossible to stay in contact.
    I know it was a short thing, but it was genuine and felt extremely right. I hadn’t had that with someone for years. What makes it harder is that he said he still had strong feelings for me, and that it was all about him and I’d done nothing wrong.
    I feel extremely alone and like I’ll be alone for a very long time and not be able to find anyone to have that with again. And I feel it’s very hard to trust again.
    I’m not finding it easy to cope. It’s been a while now and I’m still getting overcome by grief and a sense of emptiness and loss.

    I’m sorry it was so long, I just thought all the details were needed.

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  • #13892
    onlinecommunity
    Keymaster

    Hello @tobz9988 and welcome to the Griefline forums. Thank you for your courage in sharing your story with our community. At Griefline we support many people who experience grief, loss and loneliness due to the breakdown of a relationship – whether it was long-term or short-term. It might help to know that all of these thoughts and feelings are normal human responses to your situation.

    Often when a relationship ends we grieve for the loss of the life we dreamed of having with that person and that can be very distressing. However, by reaching out to our community you have shown a lot of strength and the capacity for self-care. Staying connected to others and expressing our feelings is an excellent coping tool. It helps us to recognise and process our difficult thoughts and feelings and move through them over time.

    You mentioned that early on in the relationship the person you were seeing broke it off leaving you devastated, however you managed to overcome it. It might be helpful to reflect on how you were able to overcome that initial devastation. We all have personal strengths that help us get through challenging times and yet we are often unaware of them. It might be bravery, perseverance, forgiveness, hope, humour or something else…think about what it was that helped you then? Try to tap into these strengths to get you through again.

    Another coping strategy is to channel our hurt into positive interests such as exercise, getting out into nature, creative pursuits and friendships. Engage in your passions to help you get through. You might even find that over time you have grown from your experience.

    Finally, remember to give yourself permission to take things a bit easier right now and to recognise that transitioning out of a relationship takes time. While you feel that you can never trust again this may change over time. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to heal.

    Wishing you all the best @tobz9988 – let us know how you’re getting on. You are warmly welcomed here.

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