Grieving a Sibling

[Tamar1]

My Brother died late Feb this year, 59yrs old, from throat cancer. I am one of 6 siblings, he is the first one to die out of us 6, I had a great relationship with him. I have only realised I have not truly allowed myself to deal with the grief, because I live in another state I guess it was just easier to “pretend” he was away. There have been triggers. But the last 2 weeks have been the worst. My Husband hasn’t been very helpful. When my brother dies, i was talking about him , husband commented that he didn’t really like my brother……so for me that killed that conversation. He did this twice, so i decided I was not going to share my thoughts and feelings with him, i felt it was insensitive of him to say that. I don’t care if he liked my brother or not, I just felt it wasn’t the time or place to say it to me,right then! Today it came up and he still thinks he didn’t say anything wrong, he said I need to find a way to “get over it” . Needless to say he has disappointed me greatly. I feel pretty alone right now. All my closets family members are interstate. I am still processing the fact I’ve lost my brother, I do play music he liked, make food he loved to feel close to him.

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[Bunny69]

Hi Tamar1, it is difficult and hearbreaking. I lost my brother, 49 yo to Lupus on 9 Aug 2021. Spent a week crying in foetal position. Find a quiet place and let all your tears out. It will help you cope. Emotional tears contain Cortisol stress hormone. Let all your tears out so it does not stay inside you and kill you from the inside. When you play the music that your brother and you both liked, try to “reprogram” your mind – so that now you see in that music, not only your brother but also yourself. That is how i deal with it. Still raw, still in shock, but I am dealing with it.

[onlinecommunity]

Dear @tamar1, welcome to the forums. Our hearts are with you as you grieve for your brother. Thank you for sharing your story of loss with us – we hope you will find understanding and support from others in our community. It sounds like there are several factors contributing to a feeling of being alone in your grief. Firstly, COVID and the difficulties it presents to travel interstate and perhaps be with your other siblings. And also, the response of those closest to you. Your husband’s reaction must have been quite distressing, but it might be helpful to know that this is not an uncommon reaction from the people who love us. Many people feel ill-equipped to help someone through grief – often because of their own childhood and life experiences. They may find talking about death and a loss of this magnitude too overwhelming. Equally, they hate to see you distressed. So rather than face the loss they diminish it and try to rush you to ‘get over it’.
The fact is that we all experience grief in our own way. No one can predict how it will affect you nor how long it might take. For some of us the grief will always be there – we just learn to manage it… or at best we grow around it.

We are heartened to hear of your strategies to ‘continue bonds’ with your brother…playing his music and cooking his favourite foods is a wonderful way to stay close to him. You speak of the great relationship you had with him, and these are lovely ways to ensure your connection stays strong.

Perhaps it would be helpful to be reminded of your other strengths for help with navigating the grief journey in your own way. The ‘In Search of Lost Strengths Part 1 and 2’ article on our resource hub has some excellent ideas to support you with this; In Search of Lost Strengths Part 1.

@tamar1, we hope you will keep in touch and let us know how you are going. We are here for you. 🌸

[onlinecommunity]

Dear @Bunny69, a warm welcome to the forums. We are so grateful to have you here and to see your supportive engagement with other community members. Despite your own heartache, you have shown incredible empathy for others …we hope your generosity of spirit brings some comfort to you just as it does them. 🌈

It is less than a week since the loss of your brother and our hearts go out to you. We are encouraged to see that you have adopted a number of coping strategies to help with your unique grief experience. We agree that crying can be very therapeutic – it’s a self-embrace when there are no words to truly express the sadness.

And we’re interested in your strategy of ‘re-programming your mind’ to see yourself as well as your brother when you come across things that remind you of him … we’d love to know more about this self-care tool if you would like to share. Learning from other’s coping strategies is one of the most supportive aspects of the forums. Such as @Sad_Daughter’s post from August 9, in which she shares how she’s navigated her grief journey since the loss of her beloved father “I have an old jumper of his – one that he’d actually worn when I was a baby (I have a photo of him wearing it and holding me) so at night, in bed, I’d just hug it for comfort. I also lit a candle every night next to his photos and poured through old photo albums…” We encourage everyone to read it – it is really inspiring and may be helpful to you too.

@Bunny69 we hope you will continue to share with us and that you receive the same support and understanding from others. We are here for you. 🌸

[Author]

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