Festive season makes it really hard

[onlinecommunity]

Many in our Griefline community talk about the distress and confusion at being estranged from family… and this time of the year can make it even more painful. We get bombarded with images of ‘perfect families’ reconnecting and its hard to keep some perspective. It can set you on a spiral of powerful emotions – hurt and confusion, frustration and anger.

These feelings are all perfectly valid, after all, you’re only human, but it might be reassuring to know that there are plenty of others going through something similar because not all family bonds are unconditionally loving and close.

Some tips on making this time of year more manageable are; treasure the close relationships you do have and reach out to people who understand estrangement distress. This forum is a great place to start.

Let us know how you’re going – we’re here for you.

Topic

[vm_sapphire]

Thank you, this was a very thoughtful post. There are many occasions which may raise again those powerful, difficult emotions after experiencing a loss. I remember keenly how overwhelming it felt at times, to get through the first year’s worth of “firsts” without our beloved family member. First birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, even the changes in season through our first year without them. I’m reminded of that today as we bask in a rare day of sunshine out of all the rain we’ve had recently. For some, today’s sunshine will be bittersweet, difficult to enjoy with the loss and grief they are currently experiencing. Please take time to let the sunshine warm you gently, remembering to be kind to yourself.

[maree]

Im dreading xmas, I spent last year looking after Mum, who had Dementia,and my doing so, split my family apart. I have no regrets looking after Mum. Im not only mourning mum but my extended family. Mum would be devastated for me, knowing as a result of following her wishes, I have no family,any more. I dont want to reconcile with my sisters, but my niece and her chilren,I do. Christmas to me is about kids. I reached out, no response.
I was spoilt up until mums decline, as she would make me xmas cake every year. I am full of emotions, hurt and anger about family and deep sorrow, missing Mum.
Vmsapphire hits nail on head about the “firsts”
Excruciating is the feeling I have.
Im so grateful to have found Griefline, and can speak openly with out being judged.
Many Thanks

[VM- thanasis43]

I hear you, Maree. I love how excited the kids get for Christmas and that is a huge part of Christmas Day. For me though, Christmas is about being together and any relationship loss, whether because of death or estrangement, is felt more deeply at this time because the holiday offers a direct comparison to previous years where we felt more connected and less alone. Having said that, sometimes you can have a big crew around you and still feel lonely or focused on the person/people no longer there. Griefline has a resource on coping with isolation and loneliness (https://griefline.org.au/resources/loneliness-and-isolation/) and also on relationship loss (https://griefline.org.au/resources/relationship-loss/), which you may find useful. Journalling and any form of cardio exercise may also help you process some of your feelings of hurt and anger as it’s healthy for you to express these feelings in safe ways.

Other things that may help you survive the holiday season include travelling (if you can), because being in a new place is less likely to bring up memories that still hurt right now. Volunteering, spending more time in nature, finding a way to honour your Mum’s memory and spending quiet time with one or two friends rather than joining large group functions may also make this time a little easier.

We are always here to listen without judgment and you can call Griefline on 1300 845 745 any day between 8am-8pm if you want to talk to someone.

[patches63]

Christmas is the time of the year I emotionally struggle the most and miss my mum the most at. I’m on only child and was just my mum and me from when I was about 16. I was my mums carer from August 2006 until her passing on 23 December 2006. For first few years after her death I was invited to, and spent, Christmas Day with cousins. In 2012 I met a guy who in 2015 I married. Each Christmas from 2012 to 2018 was spent with his dad p, his sister and her husband. Christmas 2019 my husband was quite unwell due to having cancer and the day was spent with his elderly dad. Christmas 2020 I was a widow, cousins stepped in once again for 2020 and 2021. Christmas last year I did volunteer work in the morning and spent rest of the day with, what is now my family, my 2 cats feeling very sad, lost and alone. I’m currently struggling with mental health issues, missing my mum and my hubby terribly. Christmas this year will see me living in a new home in a different suburb, expecting to be sharing the day with my cats and no one else. Christmas used to be such a fun enjoyable time for me. Christmas Day is now similar to any other day of the year apart from the social media about it being a family day. Christmas Day now holds nothing but sadness, tears and loneliness for me

[VMLyncha]

Hello @patches63
Thank you for posting and expressing how you are feeling. Yes Xmas can be a particularly difficult time for people who are experiencing loss and loneliness. You mentioned that you are struggling with your mental health and I encourage you to continue to seek support. I wonder if you are getting any professional help? If not you can contact Beyond Blue on 1300 224 636 and also talk with your GP about getting a referral for professional assistance.
Of course you are welcome to keep posting here and can contact Griefline on 1300 845 745 if you want to chat. We are here for you.

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