Buried my son on xmas eve

[Moon]

Hello fellow community in mourning, I’m reaching out to other parents who have experienced the loss of a child, in the hope of shared support.
The waiting list for counselling is so long, I’m drowning in sorrow meantime.
I may not be able to offer much just yet as I’m deeply depressed but can promise to listen and empathise with each and all of your stories.

To introduce myself, I am a mother of 4 (now 3) adult children. Recent empty-nester, was already struggling with the loneliness that entails.
My nickname is Jezza, as that is how my friends’ called my 19yr old son Jeremy, who died on the 20th Dec just passed.

Yes his death was unexpected, but we have all lived the last 9 years with baited breath as he experienced so many struggles in his short life, almost half of which was spent in and out of Westmead Childrens, more recently St Vincents’ Hospital. I’ll share a recap:

My son was diagnosed with leukaemia when he was 10 yrs old. Had 18 months of intense chemo, total body irradiation, but sadly relapsed so needed a bone marrow transplant, which his twin sister was a good match for. Developped gvhd (rejection) of the lungs, needed to go on the transplant list. Gratefully had a double lung transplant last January, his health improved amazingly. Got back into skating, got a job, even his first girlfriend ! He was feeling so good, got sick of taking 30 meds per day, missed a couple for a day or two, thought he could catch up, but the rejection process of his new lungs was unstoppable and he died within 3 weeks. This was not meant to happen !!

I’m really struggling with all the emotions that come with grief, coupled with longstanding depression being bipolar. One of the hardest is ‘mummy guilt’, wishing I could have prevented this. Insert swear words, covid meant less check-ups, hospital support and prevented me from visiting him and his twin sister. I could only hand home-cooked meals (as mums do) over the balcony. If, the forever, if ?!, he’d been living at home with me still, I could have supervised his medication maybe, but he was always so very diligent in taking them, no-one suspected he’d ever skip a few…?

I want to support my daughter (just quietly – wished she moved back home) but she needs her space. She just moved from their shared apartment to a share house. She dropped off Jeremy’s clothes recently. Buried my head in them on their birthday last week. I sob all day long, it’s exhausting.

From all my years in hospital, I find the best comfort with others who have similar experiences, so here’s hoping my story connects with someone. Thank you for listening XX

Topic

[deb13]

I too have lost my son. He was 36 years old and died in a car accident here in the NT. I can’t go a day without mourning him. He was not a good child and did a lot of stupid things when younger, ended up in prison for a couple of years. But my new husband gave him the opportunity to become a trainer and assessor in our business. He was getting there, but his demons resurfaced I think. I am still waiting for a coroner’s report , 4 months now and still no sign. He was my baby boy and every night he would tell me he loved me and I was a great mum. My new husband has told me to get over my grief and my stepson has told me it is not worth crying over. How can a mum especially get over the death of their child. I only keep getting up every morning as I have a beautiful daughter and granddaughter (who my son didn’t have the opportunity to meet). I live for them. My heart aches for him, so I know where you are coming from. My thoughts are with you.
Deb

[Moon]

[Moon]

[vm_sapphire]

Hello Deb,

I wanted to acknowledge the power of your consistent presence on this thread as a source of strength for @Moon and for anyone else who is experiencing the devastating loss of a child. Thank you for reaching out to @Moon, especially at this time of year.

Moon, your posts have spoken from your heart, a truly courageous act of generosity to share your experiences. The symbolism of you choosing to end this thread in order to begin a new chapter in which your beloved son walks beside you is very powerful. Thank you.

[debsayge]

Hello Dear Moon
Just wanting to let you know, that you and beautiful Jeramy are never forgotten, that you are in my heart all the time, and that I understand how saddened you would be coming up to the 20th this month….
So much love and hugging you close my friend
XxDeb

[VM-ocean]

Hi @debsayge – thank you for your beautiful words of comfort and support. I’m sorry for your loss of your beautiful Sayge, and I’m grateful for your generous support of others in the community.

Hi @Moon – thank you for sharing the Timshel song. I listened to that song on repeat for weeks after an extremely difficult loss. I found it comforting, and I hope our community is comforted too.

Music and nature can be such soothing influences.

Thank you to both of you for being such generous spirits. My thoughts are with you both.

[debsayge]

With you today!! Thinking of you, thinking of your Jeremy,
My dear mourning sister, as always….
Hoping your listening to your music nice and loud.
I’m just outside as usual, with the birds, chickens, Aloacas, goats, bunnies, Guinea pigs, and our dear little Bobby (mini sausage) named by our Sayge….all her dear animal companions they’re all sad without her too
And our sadly beautiful spring garden so lonely without my girl
XxxDeb

[vmsunflower2]

Hi@moon

Thank you for sharing the good days, the bad days and the small wins that help you through each day!

I loved your recent post about the birthday dreams, how wonderful that you have so many wonderful happy memories to keep of your beautiful child.

xxSunflower

[Moon]

[Moon]

Hi all (Deb xx) was a beautiful sunny day here, think I needed the vitamin D to lift my mood, thank you my son…
Sorry for my silence, I’ve thought often of sharing here, but have been experiencing many emotions which take time to decipher sometimes, yeah?!
Last week it was national “R U Ok” day – nope I’m not, will never be more than just alright if I’m lucky.
So rang a friend and asked if she was ” ok” ?, she said not, bit flat, exhausted. So glad I did.
This afternoon we watched the sunset on the highest rock point overlooking my bushland, and I just said what I wanted to say to the gumtrees and the cockatoos, as did she.
Felt so cathartic. I “cuckooed” away my anger and frustration and voices of birds echoed me back.
I’m going to follow all of you, be by your side, but want to close this thread I started.
9 months ago I was preparing for my son’s death, he spent 9 months in my womb, so I shall rebirth him again, not as ‘buried my son’ but rather how I know he’s beside me.
I want to delete this thread and start a new one ok, think my son is telling me to do so xx
Ps Deb I love this so much, had to repeat here

To a parent, your child wasn’t just a person: your child was a place, a kind of Narnia, a vast eternal place where the present you were living and the past you remembered and the future you longed for all existed at once.
From: Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste NG

[Author]

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