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Buried my son on xmas eve

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Home Forums Loss of a loved one Buried my son on xmas eve

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  • #20111
    Moon
    Participant

    Hello fellow community in mourning, I’m reaching out to other parents who have experienced the loss of a child, in the hope of shared support.
    The waiting list for counselling is so long, I’m drowning in sorrow meantime.
    I may not be able to offer much just yet as I’m deeply depressed but can promise to listen and empathise with each and all of your stories.

    To introduce myself, I am a mother of 4 (now 3) adult children. Recent empty-nester, was already struggling with the loneliness that entails.
    My nickname is Jezza, as that is how my friends’ called my 19yr old son Jeremy, who died on the 20th Dec just passed.

    Yes his death was unexpected, but we have all lived the last 9 years with baited breath as he experienced so many struggles in his short life, almost half of which was spent in and out of Westmead Childrens, more recently St Vincents’ Hospital. I’ll share a recap:

    My son was diagnosed with leukaemia when he was 10 yrs old. Had 18 months of intense chemo, total body irradiation, but sadly relapsed so needed a bone marrow transplant, which his twin sister was a good match for. Developped gvhd (rejection) of the lungs, needed to go on the transplant list. Gratefully had a double lung transplant last January, his health improved amazingly. Got back into skating, got a job, even his first girlfriend ! He was feeling so good, got sick of taking 30 meds per day, missed a couple for a day or two, thought he could catch up, but the rejection process of his new lungs was unstoppable and he died within 3 weeks. This was not meant to happen !!

    I’m really struggling with all the emotions that come with grief, coupled with longstanding depression being bipolar. One of the hardest is ‘mummy guilt’, wishing I could have prevented this. Insert swear words, covid meant less check-ups, hospital support and prevented me from visiting him and his twin sister. I could only hand home-cooked meals (as mums do) over the balcony. If, the forever, if ?!, he’d been living at home with me still, I could have supervised his medication maybe, but he was always so very diligent in taking them, no-one suspected he’d ever skip a few…?

    I want to support my daughter (just quietly – wished she moved back home) but she needs her space. She just moved from their shared apartment to a share house. She dropped off Jeremy’s clothes recently. Buried my head in them on their birthday last week. I sob all day long, it’s exhausting.

    From all my years in hospital, I find the best comfort with others who have similar experiences, so here’s hoping my story connects with someone. Thank you for listening XX

Viewing 10 replies - 131 through 140 (of 149 total)
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  • #21344
    Moon
    Participant

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=clwfk_Pip40How humble was my dear son, to send this song to me, 3 days before he died …

    #21345
    Moon
    Participant

    My sons fav band ….

    #21346
    debsayge
    Participant

    Yes Moon, so humble! Is your darling boy, thank you so much for sharing a little of who he is to us
    Xx

    #21358
    Moon
    Participant

    Oh my, 7 months tomorrow ! Been watching the funeral service on replay all day, my heart aches for my baby boy …
    Here again is the song he sent to me :

    #21359
    Moon
    Participant
    #21360
    debsayge
    Participant

    Oh my how that Jim Croce song reverberates through my heart constantly…..yes am here thinking about you and tomorrow!!!!so much love, sitting with you Sandy as always
    XxDeb

    #21365
    Moon
    Participant

    Hiya, yes good ole Jim, obviously had to listen to this song also :
    I’m, doing ok, have noticed the last few months I tend to grieve more on the days leading up to any kind of date, are worse than the actual day.
    Of course my dear boy sent me rays of sunshine and other little treasures today. Gonna cuddle up with my cat now xx

    #21640
    debsayge
    Participant

    Hello dear friend,
    Just to ask how are you doing? Really?
    Can I ask if you’ve been anywhere or visited with the old gentleman again, such a caring thing to do, especially if it brings up the heartache of your dad also.
    Have you managed to read any of Joanne’s books, I have now it’s helpful in that it allows us to be okay with our pain, I like the handbook the most though it’s really very comforting and speaks to me in a language I can resonate with….I’m still trying to find anyone that could relate to us, and would just like to come sit in the garden, I had a wild idea about putting a sign out front however I’m still thinking about that….we have a few that come not very much though and I find I’m often having to defend my grief, stand up for my love, I really dislike that and wish I had just the right things to say but can’t think just then.
    Feeling just so tired of it all,
    How about you, what’s happening around friendships or finding anyone to relate to.
    Much love to you tonight
    XxDeb

    #21641
    Moon
    Participant

    Thanks Olivia, you beautiful lady, my name sake,

    Don’t know why my son had to leave me either xxx

    #21671
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi Deb, everyone… sun going down, have to come inside now, play my cd’s on repeat, as always, can’t handle the silence.
    I’m actually just recovering from a major panic attack, haven’t had one that bad in ages. I hate them, but at least I know now they eventually pass, though still scary when you’re by yourself. Decided I deserve a glass of wine, early dinner, early to bed – 3am insomnia awaits me as usual.
    I have my last griefline counselling session coming up, it’s been so beneficial for me, wish it could continue. She is a little concerned I will have no other support, other than this forum, so guess you’re stuck with my ramblings. I checked out compassionate friends, but they don’t offer online forums unfortunately.
    Yes I’m proud to say I’m still a compagnon/support person for the elderly gentleman. Gets me out of the house and I don’t mind at all if conversations are repeated, he is 90 – means I don’t have to talk about myself yeah, can take on a different idendity briefly.
    Because honestly I don’t know who I am anymore, what’s left of me after caring for a sick child for 10yrs + his 3 siblings. Now he’s gone and I don’t know how to live without him xxx

Viewing 10 replies - 131 through 140 (of 149 total)
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