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Buried my son on xmas eve

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  • #20111
    Moon
    Participant

    Hello fellow community in mourning, I’m reaching out to other parents who have experienced the loss of a child, in the hope of shared support.
    The waiting list for counselling is so long, I’m drowning in sorrow meantime.
    I may not be able to offer much just yet as I’m deeply depressed but can promise to listen and empathise with each and all of your stories.

    To introduce myself, I am a mother of 4 (now 3) adult children. Recent empty-nester, was already struggling with the loneliness that entails.
    My nickname is Jezza, as that is how my friends’ called my 19yr old son Jeremy, who died on the 20th Dec just passed.

    Yes his death was unexpected, but we have all lived the last 9 years with baited breath as he experienced so many struggles in his short life, almost half of which was spent in and out of Westmead Childrens, more recently St Vincents’ Hospital. I’ll share a recap:

    My son was diagnosed with leukaemia when he was 10 yrs old. Had 18 months of intense chemo, total body irradiation, but sadly relapsed so needed a bone marrow transplant, which his twin sister was a good match for. Developped gvhd (rejection) of the lungs, needed to go on the transplant list. Gratefully had a double lung transplant last January, his health improved amazingly. Got back into skating, got a job, even his first girlfriend ! He was feeling so good, got sick of taking 30 meds per day, missed a couple for a day or two, thought he could catch up, but the rejection process of his new lungs was unstoppable and he died within 3 weeks. This was not meant to happen !!

    I’m really struggling with all the emotions that come with grief, coupled with longstanding depression being bipolar. One of the hardest is ‘mummy guilt’, wishing I could have prevented this. Insert swear words, covid meant less check-ups, hospital support and prevented me from visiting him and his twin sister. I could only hand home-cooked meals (as mums do) over the balcony. If, the forever, if ?!, he’d been living at home with me still, I could have supervised his medication maybe, but he was always so very diligent in taking them, no-one suspected he’d ever skip a few…?

    I want to support my daughter (just quietly – wished she moved back home) but she needs her space. She just moved from their shared apartment to a share house. She dropped off Jeremy’s clothes recently. Buried my head in them on their birthday last week. I sob all day long, it’s exhausting.

    From all my years in hospital, I find the best comfort with others who have similar experiences, so here’s hoping my story connects with someone. Thank you for listening XX

Viewing 9 replies - 141 through 149 (of 149 total)
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  • #21679
    debsayge
    Participant

    Hello dear Moon,
    We’ll all of us here are here for the same reason, just to feel someone’s hearing us, to feel supported in our heartbreak, someone to talk too, because we truely don’t have anyone…..especially I feel, other mothers, in the safety of other suffering mothers is where we know our pain is always being witnessed. Yes that frightening fear of who are we, think about that all the time, our whole life for our children, the great tangle of emotions thrust upon our hearts through illness, which I still feel like I’ve held my breath since the beginning so that now just can’t breathe, who are we it’s yet to be discovered, I just pray somehow to keep my bleeding heart open, for you and others here.
    No need to mind if we repeat ourselves, or go over the same things as that’s our roundabout of pain going on constantly, I think everyone here understands this, I mean that’s all we have.
    Sad for you for those horrible panic attacks, they are frightening, even as you say you know it’ll pass, leaves you just shattered and can’t cope with the world.
    I’m glad to hear the sessions have been beneficial, at least a caring listening soul hopefully you could keep talking to her also.
    I got my next issue of compassionate friends mag, somehow helpful to read their stories, still not the courage to go (that far) to a meet up…..just hoping somehow to find just a couple of other families who may like to come for informal cup of tears.
    Always thinking of you Moon, we’ll just help each other from here.
    Love Deb
    Xx

    #21683
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi Deb, other grieving parents. I find it hard to reply sometimes, but I’m always reading, checking in ok.
    On Saturday it will be 8 mths since I last held my beautiful boy. Instead of anticipated grief insomnia, I had wonderful dreams of all the birthday parties we had. All the themed home made cakes I made, all the excitement of pressies, the noise and laughter came flashing back, so I woke up smiling for a change.
    I have no doubt that my son was saying hi to me, – you know he always sends me little signs, which I wait for patiently.
    I believe this reminder of all the good times we shared was a signal for me to close this post – and start a new one, maybe something like “living without my child”??
    Because somehow we’re doing it… but I absolutely cannot unless I have others’ to confide in, who are living the same story – cancer diagnosis in particular.
    I know other grieving mums have other children, I also have 3 others, but am sadly an empty-nester. I wasn’t prepared for any of this ..
    So I’d like to start a new post/thread we can not only share our unique grief, but share our little successes- albeit cutting your fingernails, whatever.
    Today I dyed my hair – that’s pretty big for me.
    As much as no longer feel part of this world, and never will again, I’m only half here – I understand the only comfort I will find in my grief is by sharing my humanity.
    Thank goodness I can smile at an old man walking down the street, or a baby in a pram without a mask on these days, that’s all it takes for me to brighten my day.
    And I know my son is right behind me when I also pat the cats and dogs on my little walks xx Will you join me in a new thread ?

    #22007
    debsayge
    Participant

    Hello dear Moon
    Holding you close, always thinking of you as I somehow move through these hard days
    So much love everyday
    Love Debxx

    #22153
    VM-Mancha1
    Participant

    Hi @Moon,

    I absolutely loved hearing your experience of having wonderful dreams of all those birthdays and themed cakes – what a wonderful connection! I can imagine that must have been so lovely to experience, all that happiness and shared love being relived. I am so happy for you that you experienced that.

    I think when we find ways to connect with our loved ones and keep them beside us and within us, taking them into the future, it helps us and those others who might not have met them – I know I never met your son, but you’ve brought him into our lives here on the forum, introduced him to us, and helped us to know him a little, and see him through the love in your heart.

    Thank you for that, and for sharing him with us.

    #22393
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi all (Deb xx) was a beautiful sunny day here, think I needed the vitamin D to lift my mood, thank you my son…
    Sorry for my silence, I’ve thought often of sharing here, but have been experiencing many emotions which take time to decipher sometimes, yeah?!
    Last week it was national “R U Ok” day – nope I’m not, will never be more than just alright if I’m lucky.
    So rang a friend and asked if she was ” ok” ?, she said not, bit flat, exhausted. So glad I did.
    This afternoon we watched the sunset on the highest rock point overlooking my bushland, and I just said what I wanted to say to the gumtrees and the cockatoos, as did she.
    Felt so cathartic. I “cuckooed” away my anger and frustration and voices of birds echoed me back.
    I’m going to follow all of you, be by your side, but want to close this thread I started.
    9 months ago I was preparing for my son’s death, he spent 9 months in my womb, so I shall rebirth him again, not as ‘buried my son’ but rather how I know he’s beside me.
    I want to delete this thread and start a new one ok, think my son is telling me to do so xx
    Ps Deb I love this so much, had to repeat here

    To a parent, your child wasn’t just a person: your child was a place, a kind of Narnia, a vast eternal place where the present you were living and the past you remembered and the future you longed for all existed at once.
    From: Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste NG

    #22396
    Moon
    Participant
    #22404
    vmsunflower2
    Participant

    [email protected]

    Thank you for sharing the good days, the bad days and the small wins that help you through each day!

    I loved your recent post about the birthday dreams, how wonderful that you have so many wonderful happy memories to keep of your beautiful child.

    xxSunflower

    #22546
    debsayge
    Participant

    With you today!! Thinking of you, thinking of your Jeremy,
    My dear mourning sister, as always….
    Hoping your listening to your music nice and loud.
    I’m just outside as usual, with the birds, chickens, Aloacas, goats, bunnies, Guinea pigs, and our dear little Bobby (mini sausage) named by our Sayge….all her dear animal companions they’re all sad without her too
    And our sadly beautiful spring garden so lonely without my girl
    XxxDeb

    #22692
    VM-ocean
    Participant

    Hi @debsayge – thank you for your beautiful words of comfort and support. I’m sorry for your loss of your beautiful Sayge, and I’m grateful for your generous support of others in the community.

    Hi @Moon – thank you for sharing the Timshel song. I listened to that song on repeat for weeks after an extremely difficult loss. I found it comforting, and I hope our community is comforted too.

    Music and nature can be such soothing influences.

    Thank you to both of you for being such generous spirits. My thoughts are with you both.

Viewing 9 replies - 141 through 149 (of 149 total)
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