Buried my son on xmas eve

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  • #20111
    Moon
    Participant

    Hello fellow community in mourning, I’m reaching out to other parents who have experienced the loss of a child, in the hope of shared support.
    The waiting list for counselling is so long, I’m drowning in sorrow meantime.
    I may not be able to offer much just yet as I’m deeply depressed but can promise to listen and empathise with each and all of your stories.

    To introduce myself, I am a mother of 4 (now 3) adult children. Recent empty-nester, was already struggling with the loneliness that entails.
    My nickname is Jezza, as that is how my friends’ called my 19yr old son Jeremy, who died on the 20th Dec just passed.

    Yes his death was unexpected, but we have all lived the last 9 years with baited breath as he experienced so many struggles in his short life, almost half of which was spent in and out of Westmead Childrens, more recently St Vincents’ Hospital. I’ll share a recap:

    My son was diagnosed with leukaemia when he was 10 yrs old. Had 18 months of intense chemo, total body irradiation, but sadly relapsed so needed a bone marrow transplant, which his twin sister was a good match for. Developped gvhd (rejection) of the lungs, needed to go on the transplant list. Gratefully had a double lung transplant last January, his health improved amazingly. Got back into skating, got a job, even his first girlfriend ! He was feeling so good, got sick of taking 30 meds per day, missed a couple for a day or two, thought he could catch up, but the rejection process of his new lungs was unstoppable and he died within 3 weeks. This was not meant to happen !!

    I’m really struggling with all the emotions that come with grief, coupled with longstanding depression being bipolar. One of the hardest is ‘mummy guilt’, wishing I could have prevented this. Insert swear words, covid meant less check-ups, hospital support and prevented me from visiting him and his twin sister. I could only hand home-cooked meals (as mums do) over the balcony. If, the forever, if ?!, he’d been living at home with me still, I could have supervised his medication maybe, but he was always so very diligent in taking them, no-one suspected he’d ever skip a few…?

    I want to support my daughter (just quietly – wished she moved back home) but she needs her space. She just moved from their shared apartment to a share house. She dropped off Jeremy’s clothes recently. Buried my head in them on their birthday last week. I sob all day long, it’s exhausting.

    From all my years in hospital, I find the best comfort with others who have similar experiences, so here’s hoping my story connects with someone. Thank you for listening XX

Viewing 10 replies - 21 through 30 (of 142 total)
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  • #21324
    Moon
    Participant

    just climbed up the old gum tree me and my kids grew up with and just shouted at the top of my voice, my child is dead !!!!!!!\
    swear words included sorry but f u, your dogs bark all night, so I howled like one until they brought them in. I can howl louder than any dog in the entire suburb, wanna hear me ? I do it all day, everyday, with no relent in sight. I don’t want to be here anymore

    #21323
    debsayge
    Participant

    Dear Moon,
    For being your authentic self I’m grateful, yes yes!! Seeing you and walking right there with you!! Me too !! Been sobbing/wailing to exhaustion…. Yes I m right there with the no family it’s always been a struggle because they are there but have never!! Accepted us being not !! Conventional Even though I’ve always tried, not anymore….. both my father and brother have not ! Even acknowledged this, Sometimes I’m worrying with what I say might not be comforting as I’ve been in this almost a year longer, I remember when my ‘compassionate friend’ said after ‘years’ she was still struggling I thought omgosh I’m gonna be like this forever, but now I understand and accept I will be, we’ll I don’t know what I understand! or accept!as it feels like a sorrowful soup I’m drowning in here….like you Sandy spent every moment with Sayge, never!! leaving her side, even hid in the shower (slept there with our walkie talkies) when during the worst of virus time they refused to let me stay…..we have always everyday been together since her birth, always slept together too, I can’t cope at all with this loss, enduring this existence without her is so beyond me and what! Enduring this alone!! Yes I agree stuff you all that have turned away from us in our time of desperation, it’s only here! That I can feel safe now with you all…..
    Much love Sandy I’m sitting by your side
    XxDeb

    #21320
    Moon
    Participant

    Hello, 4am late night ramblings sorry. Have barely slept since my visit with this dear 90yr old gentleman on Friday.
    Guess I didn’t expect how much it might affect me emotionally. My own dad would be the same age, oh my, how I miss him so.
    Please don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed spending time with him, gonna visit him again tomorrow so he can show me around his new retirement village.
    He hasn’t quite integrated into any of their communal activities, big time loner since losing his wife 2yrs ago, which I totally get. My dad lost his wife (my mum) when he was only 43, and basically became a hermit. I held a fantasy that one day he might move in with me and my kids, but he passed away too soon.
    I know my head and heart are messed up, but just witnessing the love other families have, both encourages and destroys me at the same time.
    My kids never had the experience of grandparents or extended family, it was always just us, and my ex, whom I won’t dish here, as he is also grieving the sudden loss of his son, although in a different space I’d probably have more to say about that toxic relationship.
    Sat/Sun I cried, well more like wailing, for so many hours, even though I had the doors and windows shut, I suspect my neighbours let their dogs out in the rain just to bark at me to shut me up. Should have played my sons funeral service music on loud to counter out the sound hey ! No, I keep a very low profile, but anyway. I’m allowed to cry as often as need to in my own house, so (insert swear words), I will cry a river forever, yeah, so stuff you uncaring so called neighbours or friends sorry.
    I keep on having so many vivid dreams, they’re all mixed up and entwined with both happy and sad memories, and of course all the things we we were looking forward to do together.
    There are so many that only my son and I shared together, and are mine and his forever, and can’t be taken away, we spent the best part of the last 10 years with me sleeping beside him in a foldable chair in the childrens’ hospital, I’m an expert at card games, but needed a captain starlight to play video games, always willing.. how I miss that, however sick he was, but now he is dead and I’ll never have anyone to play rummy, uno, skip-bo ever again, oh I’m crying again, gotta wipe the tears from the keyboard.
    I remember when I first contacted griefline, there were certain progammes forthose within or after 6mths of losing a loved one. I guess it’s individual, but the idea I might feel some what different by now , no -sorry , just not true. This pain is unrelentless, and unending. I know you hear me xxxxxxxx

    #21307
    Moon
    Participant

    Hey Deb, grievingmum, all, yes a major step tonight, thank you for your encouragement, wasn’t sure I’d be up for the task, as laid awake all night, tossing and turning, as usual, but so glad I did. How lovely to spend a few hours with a 90yr old gentleman, who just appreciates my company, no questions asked.

    #21306
    debsayge
    Participant

    Dear Moon
    Beautiful lady, what a gift your giving tonight, it’s wonderful that you feel you can at least try, I hope all goes well….
    Love to you Sandy, thinking about you as always
    XxDeb

    #21301
    Moon
    Participant

    Hiya, feedback welcome, I just stepped way ‘out of my comfort zone’ but felt a little push from behind !
    You know there’s sayings about giving away what you need most…., so I’m sad and lonely, like many,
    so gonna visit a 90yr old gent on a regular basis, take him out to the club for dinner tom night.
    Wow, I have agoraphobia at the best of times, so huge deal for me, wish me luck please

    #21262
    Moon
    Participant

    Hiya, yes I’m proud of myself for getting my haircut finally, but I knew it would be easy with my friend, I was in and out in 20mins. Normally I’d be getting my hair dyed (grey as), have a good ole chin wag for an hour, but nowhere near ready for that. I could sense the tears welling in her eyes, after all she’s cut my hair and my kids through all their crazy styles for over 15yrs. Cool thing is, she totally gets me when I mention all the “visits” I’ve had from my sweet baby boy.
    Hey do you know what felt .. liberating, good ? this week, I got to chat briefly about my son, as if he was still here, to an uber driver. My car died, after teaching all 4, rarely go out so call an uber when I miss the bus or when it’s p..sing down like right now. I’m not in denial, just enjoyed the freedom of a casual convo with someone who doesn’t know my history, easy to turn the convo back on them yeah.
    Think my son is challenging me again, had an offer to be a companion for an elderly gentleman, same age as my dad would have been. Met him and his daughter Friday night, wow, way out of my comfort zone going out, but it was only for an hour, and although weird, kinda felt good.
    I’ve got so much love left in my heart, it bursts every day, with what I can no longer give to my child here and now, sometimes I think, almost wish it would stop beating so loudly, especially at 3am when I wake reliving our last moments together. This might be a good thing hey

    #21254
    debsayge
    Participant

    Dear Moon
    How are you feeling tonight? What a massive day to have got your hair done, glad she sounds like she is a great comfort for you and you found that helpful at least in the moment….I think that’s what we seem to need the most, that comfort from those who at least try, just few and too far between….good on you anyway….
    Yes I know it would be great if we could just pick up the ph n have a good yarn/cry together, it would sure help me….just so friendless now, I find it really scary too to even talk to people as I’m always getting stupid comments that I just can’t cope with or the usual anger/sadness inside that is overlooked cause people are so unwilling to feel ( not that there are really many people) or to even say anything about what’s happened, just going on about normal things….
    Did you manage to listen to any of Joanne’s talks, wondering how you felt….
    Much love
    Thinking of you
    XxDeb

    #21249
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi Deb and thank you for the links, they work and I’ve been reading. I’ve always found Emily Dickinson to be my best comfort.
    I was a bit of a poet myself, have been re-reading some of the stuff I wrote when I was 19. Far out, hard to listen to, almost like a prediction.
    Sorry I’ve been quiet this week and hope my post in your thread was ok, wish we could talk more in detail about certain things.
    This afternoon was, felt like… still absorbing, sorry can’t explain my emotions tonight. Felt good to see my friend for a haircut finally,
    known her donkeys, cut all my kids hair, and bravely shaved my son before chemo each time. Has 5 of her own, similar ages, so the hugs were truly heartfelt.
    She still has the brochure of J & J’s National Bandanna Campaign on her front desk, we decided to swap it for a recent photo when he was well.
    Felt good sharing with her the moments I absolutely, know my son has said hi, she’s kiwi, spiritual in her own way, like me. She get’s it, all I need to say.
    Hugs to all xxx

    #21248
    debsayge
    Participant
Viewing 10 replies - 21 through 30 (of 142 total)
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