Home › Forums › Loss of a loved one › Alone, limited support
- This topic has 14 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 8 months ago by dpowell3840.
June 20, 2021 at 6:49 pm #15683
I have never done this before. I am desperate . 17 years ago I watched my father pass away from a 11 year battle with cancer. I had no friends to support me. Less than 4 months ago I unexpectedly watched my Mum pass away. It was sudden but not sudden.
I am struggling at the moment. My friends are too busy or don’t want to know. I have tried to reach out to people but no one has responded. I am not partnered, no kids. People that are in my life are too busy or don’t want to talk about death. I am not even 40 years old.
I just don’t know what to do. I am seeing a psychologist but due to lockdown, appointments, work, etc I haven’t seen her nearly two months and earliest I can see her is 30th June.
June 21, 2021 at 11:46 pm #15690onlinecommunityParticipant
Dear @dpowell3840, a warm welcome to the forums. Our hearts go out to you for the recent loss of your mother and the protracted and traumatic loss of your father 17 years ago. We are glad you have come to a place of shared experience and understanding – especially considering the lack of response from those around you and the desperation you are feeling right now.
Unfortunately, the experience of being isolated in our grief is common. People around us seem incapable of, or unwilling to even think about it, let alone sit with the discomfort to support us. While this perception is often true it’s not always.. you might find some insight into this in the article ‘Coping with Grief’ on our Resource Hub. It acknowledges that we often unknowingly turn away from the thing that might help us most…other people, because we mistakenly feel like no one understands us, we have to do this on our own, or that we’re a burden to others. The writer points out that the benefits of sharing our pain with others almost always override the drawbacks and gives a number of tips for seeking comfort and help from others.
Another helpful resource might be this article “In Search of Lost Strengths” Part 1 and Part 2. It will help you to run an inventory of sorts across your support network to identify the gaps and suggests ways to go about filling them. These tools will hopefully support you at least through the next week or so until you see your Psychologist.
We are so glad that you are arming yourself with a number of tools like this online support group and your psychologist. It’s clear that you are trying your very best to safely navigate your grief journey. Please keep posting and let us know how you are you going. We are here for you @dpowell3840. 🌸June 22, 2021 at 9:49 am #15691
I am just feeling even more alone. I publicly let family and friends know on social media and it’s been a mixed response, many backing away thinking this is too much to deal with. Well that’s what I think they are thinking. The ones that say that talk to me anytime, they are the people that don’t have little or nothing to do with me I might as well know them as strangers. One person who I have talked about this too who now messages me once a day has said, grief is very taboo. I agree. I am trying to be with people, people don’t want to be with me. I have NO FRIENDS to spend time with. They live elsewhere and not locally. I can only spend time with the few friends that will want to talk to me, online when its convenient. I had one person message me last night saying checking in wanted to see how were. When I replied, ok’ish, she was like ok and no reply back. I want to share but no one will give me the time of day. I am almost counting down the hours til I see my psychologist next week. Thank you for providing the links, I will look into that.June 22, 2021 at 8:19 pm #15697onlinecommunityParticipant
Dear @dpowell3840, it sounds like you are really struggling with feelings of being misunderstood and rejected. Sometimes you just need to be with people who ‘get you’ and this is usually through shared experience. So perhaps a support group would be helpful. If you would like some referrals for groups or organisations near you please feel free to reach out to us at [email protected]. We will do our best to connect you with further support.
We are here for you. 🌸June 23, 2021 at 8:04 pm #15699
Thank you. I am just not sure what to do anymore. I have been thinking for a few weeks about leaving my current job for various reasons but i am thinking I need to leave for the sake my own mind. I am trying not to think things and do quick judgements on things. I want to make the right decision and all but that is another issue.
It’s a shame that grief is almost like a taboo subject. I thought I was going alright and then in the last few days it’s hit me almost like to first thing of when my Mum died a few months ago. I have been able to be put onto a wait list for a grief counsellor so I have that coming up, it’s a two month waiting list, but I am seeing my Psychologist next week and can go from there again. It’s a shame that while I have been trying to reach out to others which I am trying to do, with family and friends, they aren’t being there for me.
I was at work today and a few times I had to remind myself to take a few deep breaths in, before saying something. I am scared to say things in case it’s said the wrong way and I snap at the wrong person and in my job, that is the last thing I want to do and need to do. I wanted to snap angrily at people, they hadn’t done anything wrong or said anything wrong but it was at that specific time, I wanted to snap and had to be careful.June 26, 2021 at 6:47 pm #15723BugsyBlocked
That sounds like a lot. It’s great that you have reached out, both here and getting on the wait-list for grief counselling.
When my dad died, for me the colour of everything changed. It was made worse when it seemed that other people were carrying on as usual while I was facing never having a hug from my dad again. His loss really hit me about three months afterwards when I read something and thought “my dad would love this” and suddenly realised that I could never tell him. He died nearly four years ago and, while I still miss him, the moments of feeling deep loss have lessoned…although I still have moments when a favourite piece of music of his will come on and I’ll weep, it can be quite cathartic. The famous Auden poem, “Stop All the Clocks” sums it up for me and sometimes I’ll read it just to have a good cry.
Please keep sharing with us, we’ll listen.June 26, 2021 at 8:16 pm #15724
Hello Bugsy. Sorry to hear about your Dad. My Dad died 17 years ago, we did everything together. I had more of a connection/bond with him than my Mum. I have my moments 17 years on about him, even harder with Mum gone, 4 months today since Mum went to sleep. There’s a line from one of my favourite band’s songs and it is so true… “Life goes on, as if it never ends, eyes of stone, observe the trends…” The first bit is so damn true. You get angry and upset of when it happens. You are like, why can’t they stop like me. It’s all those moments, I need to tell….then it hits you when damn, you know that you can’t. I’ll have to look up that poem. I am on instagram and before the loss of my Mum, I looked at all those quotes of anxiety, etc, which I have already. Ever since Mum went, I have looked at the grief ones and all, to try and help me get the words out of what I am feeling. If you are on instagram, search some tags. They can be really good as well. The moments will always be there.June 27, 2021 at 6:47 pm #15725BugsyBlocked
Thanks for your lovely comments. Isn’t it strange that a stranger writes a song/poem/story and it can resonate so well. It’s an amazing gift they give to us all.June 29, 2021 at 5:53 pm #15758
Oh most definitely. Sometimes you need to hear it from someone else for it to resignate or something. It’s a strange feeling and then when it hits home it’s incredible and emotional.June 29, 2021 at 10:49 pm #15759GL friendParticipant
I can relate to feeling like nobody is really there for you. It is hard to make genuine adult friendships. My friends are busy with their own lives. If i msg someone, they will give me a one word response or not really hang around as long as i want.
My mum was my best friend and i think i missed out on making quality friendships growing up. Its been several years since she passed but I still struggle. Some days are harder than others but i try to accept that this is the way of grief.June 30, 2021 at 12:16 am #15761
Hi @gl-friend That is the same experience that I am having with majority of my friends. I am doing a somewhat of a detox of social media (Mainly just staying off Facebook – deactivated my account) and the amount of people that haven’t contacted me, is incredible. A few I am in daily contact throughout the day but majority of them, have heard from them once. My “best friend” called me the other day when I was at work, I didn’t answer the call and I didn’t reply straight away, only today, well yesterday as it’s after midnight now. Apologised for not getting back. SHe was like, all good, just wanted to say hope your ok. When I said I was getting there, she was like, thats great and then that was it.
My Dad was my best friend, we did everything together. 17 years since he has been gone. I just look at people with their parents and think they are so lucky. Once they are gone, that’s it. People may disown people for whatever reason, and I get that, but once the other person can’t respond back, it’s too late. There is always a chance. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. You are so true, some days are harder than others. For me, at the moment, the pain is so hard. I am sure that the moments you had with your Mum until she passed were some memorable ones.
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