A lost daughter

[steptoe]

My 18 year old daughter cut me off a few days after finishing her school exams. After a reasonably happy childhood characterized by considerable academic and sports success, she announced one day out of the blue that she had been psychologically tortured for her entire life and had had her childhood stolen. She has not spoken to me since (almost a year now), not even to tell me her school exam (HSC) exam results. I did 90% of the parenting in her life, and gave it everything I had. I tried to be a perfect Dad for our two kids, perhaps more so because my wife showed little interest in either of them. My wife has apologised to my daughter “for causing her 18 years of such pain and suffering” (her actual words), and as a result the two of them still speak on the phone occasionally. My daughter states openly that she hates me and wishes I was dead.

My daughter has spoken to a wide variety of my work and social circle, informing them that I psychologically tortured her and that she lived in constant fear of me all her life. This included telling half a dozen of my students (I am a university Professor) a variety of such things. Most of my friends know my daughter as a sporting and academic superstar, and also know what great mates we were all through the years and how much I tried to be a great Dad and to make up for a somewhat absent Mum. They don’t know what to make of this. My students love the intrigue and openly discuss it within my hearing. My daughter uses a certain vocabulary when she discusses me, which draws on some items on the internet. Having helped my daughter with English homework all her life, I know her syntax and this is not it.

I’m exhausted and devastated writing this, and will stop there.

Topic

[amyj]

I feel your pain.
I have just had the last few months my 30 yr old son cut me out of his life. We had only reconnected a few years ago after 12 years of an estranged relationship due to divorce.
Now my 33 yr old daughter has also turned her back on me after I supported her recently while she was having marital problems. Neither of them will discuss anything with me, answer calls or texts or tell me what I’ve done wrong.
I’m also not seeing my grandchildren because of this. I am devastated and alone. I live alone and have very few close friendships. I am 61. I feel isolated, misunderstood and feel as though my kids couldn’t care less if I lived or died. It’s soul destroying.

[vmpercy]

I’m really sorry to hear what you’re going through, @steptoe and @amyj. I can’t even begin to imagine the devastation you must be feeling, especially after giving so much of yourself to your role as a parent. What’s happening to you matters, and I see the emotional turmoil you’re wrestling with. You both clearly take your role as a parent and grandparent seriously, striving to provide the best for your family. It says a lot about your character.

Although I can’t solve this complex situation for you, I want you to know that you’re not alone. While the forum is a valuable resource, do you also have a support network in real life? Sometimes professional guidance from therapists or counsellors who specialise in family estrangement can offer unique coping strategies. It’s a complicated journey ahead, but you’re part of this community now, and we’re all here to support you. I’ve attached a resource that might be helpful. It’s mainly about relationship loss, but much of the content is also useful for being separated from a family member.

Relationship Loss

[steptoe]

Thank you for the empathy and kind words.

I think my daughter was influenced by someone online. Somehow she has been convinced that she can feel better by making others feel worse. Somehow she has made a calculation that she does not need me anymore. Neither of these things are in my girl’s nature. The words she used are not in her vocabulary. I feel she is in dreadful danger. I don’t think I can trust her.

This is a desolate place to be.

[Author]

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