- This topic has 5 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 months ago by .
Our son woke up and said “mommy daddy is back” right then and there I started visualizing a future of him always asking for you. I know you would still be here for him but this is very different.. this future that will happen soon.
It hurts just thinking about it.
Now youre so close yet so far away from me. I tried everything. I did everything. I hate that we dont talk. I hate that feeling, dreading the time you finally leave. I know I should hate you. But I love you. I love you so much. I love this family too much. Thinking about the future now.. just hearing our son say daddy come back is making me hurt so much.
This hurts so much. It hurts when I look at you. It hurts that I cant reach for you. I cant reach out and hug you tight and tell you to never let us go. To never leave. But I know I cant. Not when youve already checked out on me.
Even now. I look at you. In your sleep. I want to hug you. I want everything back but I know you need to find yourself.
You think I don’t know when you leave or sit up when you think I’m asleep… I want to be the one you confide to but its never going to happen is it?
I am angry. Angry at the world. Always keep asking what did I do to deserve such a fate. I’m angry that you didn’t even try. All those years. You didn’t even try. I am feeling resentful I’m allowed to feel that way right?
Right now, thoughts are in my head. You’re probably talking with her. I dont want to hate her. I really dont. I want to understand why. Why when she knows youre married is she entertaining you? Im sorry to be saying this and I know you will defend her but what decent lady will subject herself in this situation?
Yesterday you said you would ask her to send me a video because I was trying to hold your hand. To tell me what exactly? “Can you please not hold his hand?” As if what she’s doing isnt driving us further and further apart. Is she gatekeeping me from you now?
I dont want to hate her. I just do not understand it at all. You’ll say “its not her its me” I know it. You want me to hate you? To make it easier for you is that it? Guess what? I still fucking love you goddamnit! Why? Why am I not good enough? Ive been here havent I? I supported you didnt I? What more should I have done?
Why didnt you tell me sooner? Why after all these years you didnt tell me youre still pining for another girl. Why did you have to leave at this point? Why did you have to make it harder for everyone else? Even you? If you knew this could happen way before.. why did you have to wait? Why did you have to wait until were both hurting?Now were both in this predicament, me hurting for you and you hurting for her. We’re stuck.
I have dreams you know? I dreamed about just hopping off the bridge there of just slipping off into the abyss never to be seen again. If I wasnt here you wouldve been free. You wouldnt have been stuck. Its all because of me. I’m preventing you from being with the one you truly want isnt it? I’m in both of your way. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.