A letter I know I would never send

[MumofTwo]

To daddy,

Our son woke up and said “mommy daddy is back” right then and there I started visualizing a future of him always asking for you. I know you would still be here for him but this is very different.. this future that will happen soon.
It hurts just thinking about it.
Now youre so close yet so far away from me. I tried everything. I did everything. I hate that we dont talk. I hate that feeling, dreading the time you finally leave. I know I should hate you. But I love you. I love you so much. I love this family too much. Thinking about the future now.. just hearing our son say daddy come back is making me hurt so much.
This hurts so much. It hurts when I look at you. It hurts that I cant reach for you. I cant reach out and hug you tight and tell you to never let us go. To never leave. But I know I cant. Not when youve already checked out on me.
Even now. I look at you. In your sleep. I want to hug you. I want everything back but I know you need to find yourself.

You think I don’t know when you leave or sit up when you think I’m asleep… I want to be the one you confide to but its never going to happen is it?
I am angry. Angry at the world. Always keep asking what did I do to deserve such a fate. I’m angry that you didn’t even try. All those years. You didn’t even try. I am feeling resentful I’m allowed to feel that way right?

Right now, thoughts are in my head. You’re probably talking with her. I dont want to hate her. I really dont. I want to understand why. Why when she knows youre married is she entertaining you? Im sorry to be saying this and I know you will defend her but what decent lady will subject herself in this situation?
Yesterday you said you would ask her to send me a video because I was trying to hold your hand. To tell me what exactly? “Can you please not hold his hand?” As if what she’s doing isnt driving us further and further apart. Is she gatekeeping me from you now?
I dont want to hate her. I just do not understand it at all. You’ll say “its not her its me” I know it. You want me to hate you? To make it easier for you is that it? Guess what? I still fucking love you goddamnit! Why? Why am I not good enough? Ive been here havent I? I supported you didnt I? What more should I have done?

Why didnt you tell me sooner? Why after all these years you didnt tell me youre still pining for another girl. Why did you have to leave at this point? Why did you have to make it harder for everyone else? Even you? If you knew this could happen way before.. why did you have to wait? Why did you have to wait until were both hurting?Now were both in this predicament, me hurting for you and you hurting for her. We’re stuck.

I have dreams you know? I dreamed about just hopping off the bridge there of just slipping off into the abyss never to be seen again. If I wasnt here you wouldve been free. You wouldnt have been stuck. Its all because of me. I’m preventing you from being with the one you truly want isnt it? I’m in both of your way. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Topic

[VMSal]

Dear MumofTwo,

I can’t imagine how distressing it is for you, and I’m deeply sorry that you’re in this situation. Please know that this is not your fault.

I’m concerned about what you’ve said there about your dreams. I hope and want for you to be safe, so please know that you have different options to speak with people for further support.

If you would like to explore your grief further with someone, please ring the Helpline or make a booking with the Booked Call Support service at

Free telephone support

If you find that you are in an emergency situation, experiencing extreme distress and are at risk of self-harm, please do ring 000 or alternatively, contact Lifeline at 13 11 14 or by texting 0477 13 11 14.

Please do let us know how you’re doing. Meanwhile, sending you love and strength to emerge from this.

[VMSalty_Dog]

Dear Mumoftwo

Your pain, searching for answers and trying to make sense of what has happened, and is happening now, comes through so very clearly. It touches me greatly and I am so sorry that you are going through such a time.

Rest assured that your feelings of guilt, regret and anger are normal in such situations but they will gradually diminish over time, especially when you begin to see things more clearly, but it does take time, so in the meantime please take comfort in knowing that there is a brighter future ahead for you even if you can’t see one right now.

Your two children need you now more than ever. They will be experiencing their own sadness and turmoil and so it is so important that you are there to love, help, support and guide them. But you must help yourself before you can help others, and I’m wondering what would work best for you – such as posting here, calling our support line, as well as friends and professional counselling. Your GP may be able to help by providing you with a mental health care plan.

We are all honoured and privileged that you have had the courage to share your experiences with us. We are here for you, and please feel free to use any of our resources whenever you need to.

Stay strong, for the world is a better place for you being in it.

[VM-Luna]

Hello Mumoftwo,

What a heart-wrenching situation you are living in, needing to be strong and answering questions that your children have, and holding onto the dreams you have had for your future together as a family.

I can hear your pain, anger, loneliness and bewilderment at the situation you are living with, it can be so hard to find purpose and imagine a future different from the one you are living in (or even one where you could be thriving in) whilst in the midst of all this. Know that even as you feel your dreamed future with your partner changing, your personal and children’s future are as yet unwritten, and you are able to choose a path that will support you and them.

As VMSal and VMSalty_Dog have offered, there are many services and resources that you can reach out to, as you have with this one and I encourage you to do so again. We are here to listen and help if we can, please reach out to us as you have with this email.

[VMpoppy]

Dear MumofTwo

Thank you for sharing your pain and anger with the forum. Seperation can be so tough especially when children are involved. I think we all wish we coudl give our kids that perfect fairtale of ” happily ever after” but often it’s out of our control. I guess the only person you have control over is yourself. I encourage you to express your anger to your trustworthy friends and family. Also know that although things are so damn tough now…. Things do get better in time -funnel your energy into things that make you feel good and strengthen your little family now like…having picnics in the parks, playing card games, going for fun walks at the national parks, and surround yourself with fun and positive people and remain true to you really are.

[VMsunflower]

Dear Mum of Two
When I read your letter, I was overwhelmed with emotion and my heart breaks for you and your two children.
You could have been writing my own story and I remember the hurt and anguish I went through, the lack of understanding why/how this could happen, the shock and horror of it all, the devastation and loss of our future dreams, the self-doubting and loss of self-worth and esteem. Everyone experiences grief and loss differently, but I can say the circumstance were so similar and my heart goes out to you in much love and prayers.
The wonderful suggestions for support and self-care from the others is invaluable, and I agree with them.
I just want to encourage you that you will get through, you sound like a beautiful caring and loving person, and our children need us so much. Just because one person chooses to stop loving us we are still that beautiful caring and loving person we always were and there are many others ready and willing to share that with us! That happened to me over 30 years ago and my children and I have managed to flourish with time and move forward and I now can celebrate and enjoy having wonderful grandchildren.
Keep journalling and sharing your journey, it really does help!
Much love,

[Author]

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