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Home » Topics » Loss of a loved one » 1 assault, 3 traumatic deaths, 10 years, empty shell
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  • #16117
    Jemi
    Participant

    It sounds made up when I write it down, but I don’t know what else to say. I’m broken. I’m an angry, empty shell, that doesn’t ever quite make it to “happy”. Even with a super loving and supportive husband, great sisters, and an awesome daughter. I must be some kind of ridiculously ungrateful piece of crap.

    2011 I was sexually and emotionally assaulted by my then boyfriend. 18 months later my daughters dad died in a motorcycle accident. 12 months after that my big sister died in a motorcycle accident. 18 months ago, my dad killed himself. All lots of singular reasons to feel crap, but combined, I’m a total wreck. I’m trying really hard, and failing at keeping a good job. But I am now under performance management because I’m crap. I can’t do anything right. It doesn’t matter how hard I work at being better, a better Mum, a better wife, a better worker, it’s just never good enough. At what point is it ok for me to give up? Cause I feel like I’m there, but I’m not allowed to.

    What else am I supposed to do? I have to work to pay the mortgage. I have to get up every day or I lose my job. All I want to do is, well, nothing. Be nothing.

    I have step sons that are scared of me. I’m apparently scary at work so am no longer allowed to manage my team. At what point do I just throw in all the towels? When is that ok? Should I just ask to be more medicated? I’ve been seeing a psych for years. I take mood stabilisers and Valium. Nothing seems enough. Maybe it’s just me.

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  • #16128
    K4593
    Participant

    Dear @Jemi, I am so sorry all this has happened to you and causing you such pain. I hear how broken you are, but I also hear how incredibly courageous you are and it sounds like you are doing all you can to get through this. I am glad that you have some loving supports around you, just know that we are here if you need someone outside those closest to you to talk with.

    #16125
    onlinecommunity
    Keymaster

    Dear @Jemi, welcome to the forums. Our hearts are with you – this is an awful lot for one person to deal with. It’s heartbreaking to hear you so down on yourself despite withstanding so much loss and trauma in your life.

    We wonder if you were to read a similar post by another community member would you be so critical of them? Or would you feel compassion for all that they have been through and be impressed that they continue to soldier on and do the best they can? …Sometimes it’s a good idea to step out of the overwhelm, stand back and look at ourselves from another person’s perspective to get a clearer picture.

    And because things aren’t going well at work it’s likely your self-worth has taken a hit. Yet we see so many character strengths in you just from reading your post – resilience, determination, appreciation, work ethic… It’s easy to lose sight of our personal strengths at times like these but when we rediscover them and engage them we feel empowered to get a few wins and find hope again. The VIA character strengths survey in our ‘In Search of Lost Strengths Part 2’ article is a great evidence-based tool for realising the many things you have to offer.
    We’re glad to see that you have equipped yourself with self-care resources including seeing a therapist. And we wonder how much grief work you have done? You have experienced multiple profound losses all in quick succession sometimes leads to complex grief. And living a very busy life with lots of responsibilities might have impacted your ability to carve out time to really process that grief.

    It often takes a multi-layered approach and there may be some additional resources you could tap into …things like art therapy, writing as a way of healing or a support group. It might be a good idea to speak with your psych about what extra supports are suitable.

    In the meantime, we hope that you can treat yourself with kindness because you deserve it. The self-care tools on our rest and relaxation page here might be a good start.
    @Jemi, please keep in touch and let us know how you’re going. We are here for you. 🌸

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