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It sounds made up when I write it down, but I don’t know what else to say. I’m broken. I’m an angry, empty shell, that doesn’t ever quite make it to “happy”. Even with a super loving and supportive husband, great sisters, and an awesome daughter. I must be some kind of ridiculously ungrateful piece of crap.
2011 I was sexually and emotionally assaulted by my then boyfriend. 18 months later my daughters dad died in a motorcycle accident. 12 months after that my big sister died in a motorcycle accident. 18 months ago, my dad killed himself. All lots of singular reasons to feel crap, but combined, I’m a total wreck. I’m trying really hard, and failing at keeping a good job. But I am now under performance management because I’m crap. I can’t do anything right. It doesn’t matter how hard I work at being better, a better Mum, a better wife, a better worker, it’s just never good enough. At what point is it ok for me to give up? Cause I feel like I’m there, but I’m not allowed to.
What else am I supposed to do? I have to work to pay the mortgage. I have to get up every day or I lose my job. All I want to do is, well, nothing. Be nothing.
I have step sons that are scared of me. I’m apparently scary at work so am no longer allowed to manage my team. At what point do I just throw in all the towels? When is that ok? Should I just ask to be more medicated? I’ve been seeing a psych for years. I take mood stabilisers and Valium. Nothing seems enough. Maybe it’s just me.
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