Hi Deb, hope you don’t mind when I reply with a song. I just find sometimes the lyrics better express my sentiments.
Please know that I share your pain every moment of the day, along with so many others.
It was 10 mths, last Thursday since I last held my boy, so have been a bit quiet, sorry.
My friend just showed me a photo of his headstone, I haven’t been able to visit the cemetary yet, but seems his friends often do.
It was comforting to see so many tributes and flowers. I’m not one to visit, my parents are two laneways away from him and watching over.
Where is Sayge ? do you visit ? This poem resonates with me:
“Do not stand, By my grave, and weep, I am not there, I do not sleep”
I prefer to think of Sayge tending to another beautiful garden somewhere, and my Jezza sharing his banger of a playlist and not so funny jokes.
It’s taking a lot of practice but I’m trying to rewire my memory focus so I don’t just picture him lying lifeless, but bring happier memories to the fore.
Bittersweet as they are, I get to smile momentarily, sometimes even laugh out loud.
My friend also showed me a video of her sons recent 21st – my sons’ best friend. I could just picture my boy taking over the dance floor.
Insert swear words, he should have been there ! Nothing can ever be the same for his friends without him.
I know you say your friends and family have deserted you, but have you thought of contacting Sayges’ friends ?
Not so much to hear about what they’re doing, that’s hard, but to share memories of their time together .. just a thought.
You have so much love in your heart with nowhere to go, I wonder where-else your compassion could be valued.
Have you thought about volunteering? I can honestly say that if I didn’t have this distraction of caring for an elderly gentleman, I probably would not step outside my front door. Helping him feel less lonely, helps me, ‘give away what you don’t have’ you know what I mean.
Will look up the podcasts merci xxx