My sweet Sayge

[debsayge]

Dearest broken people,
I have met some of you already so thankyou so far for all your sharing and caring empathy….
So far I’ve been unable to tell and still am as I feel too traumatised with disbelief … so this is an outpouring of this Mumma to my girl, hoping it’s ok to do this way and not undermining anyone else for how they express… I’m the hope to feel heard and seen…
My darling girl I’m sure that you watching me now would say I love you so much Mumma!I understand, I see you!! Even though Now that the rest of the world does not!!
I miss you up in the early hrs, photographing the dawn to excitedly show me when I got up or a flower just opened, which you would later be picking to make the beautiful bunches with Archer for your farm gate shop, which from the money raised would pay for all your treasured animal feed, always taking great pride in decorating their little homes with cherry blossom branches and lush greens from our garden which you and Archer tended with so much effort and Joy!! I miss Luna and Ron (Harry Potter people) which became your names for each other, Ron for Archers strawberry blond hair and funny character and Luna for just you being yourself not into being anything but you and the long white blond hair, I miss watching you platt it every night so you’d have the waves you envied in your brothers….I miss our talks when you’d often snuggle in bed with me and telling me how safe you felt in my arms, you are my flowers mummy, thank you Mumma you always help me, I can’t talk to anyone like I can to you…i miss you always in the kitchen preparing our food together and your appreciation for it all, I miss you saying I’ll always help you Mumma, cause you need me….i haven’t even managed to clean the house now!! At all….I miss my little darlings chatting with bill and toffee ( our 2 soft toy Bilbys made by daddy) about all kinds of silly nonsense and toff calling me yummy I love you too, I miss walking past your room late at nights and sitting listening to my kids breathe peacefully as I’d sit and say sleep with all my love my precious ones( my kids always slept together) or before that just listening to all the funny stuff and their joyful laughter until finally they’d sleep….I miss watching you write in your journals (since about 6) which start with words like “diary 16 of my beautiful life” and ending with words like I will continue to be grateful every moment of my sparkling life….I miss you always being on my side and saying don’t worry about your mean family you’ve us now and we are always together, and I miss you honouring that togetherness always…..I miss our special christmases always filled with months of preparations and so much joy, months of Christmas carols, our birthdays which went for a week and I miss the cakes you made covered with flowers just like Mumma always made for you all….I so miss you playing piano with so much heart your piano teacher would always call you the girl with the beautiful hands….I miss watching you try so hard at karate and gaining your black belt with Archer….I miss you doing ballet with such dedication! I miss you riding your horses with archer and being so careful not to hurt them….I miss your dedication to animal communication, natural horsemanship…. I miss you looking deeply into my eyes with such trust….and then!!for her 18th birthday a heart wrenching diagnosis after she thought she’d hurt her knee, she hadn’t, she is always much to careful of herself, I never worried when she’d climb to the top of the trees…..then we were flung into that horrible adult hospital, and really should have been allowed in the childrens as although 18 only a little girl at heart…then she lost her beautiful hair….now stuck in a wheelchair for 3 months and frightened into not moving!! That leg!! Then when the poisons failed they heartlessly told her she’d need to sign this(first time signing) to sacrifice her left leg to live!! So she did so courageously but with so much fear and loss I don’t believe ican ever get past this trauma this horror, I understand you all know here, she was so devastated but still up on those crutches and outside to do everything…!!!.this was followed by abandoning hosp they had nothing for us and she hated them all, me too….we did everything alternative possible….months and months of many things everything be done to Sayge, I felt!! People don’t understand this, we didn’t see this coming!!!we thought we were safe!!! yet here we are like you in the devastation of our loss and no direction a catastrophic tragedy….we would love another family to connect with our small farm and us with my beautiful broken-hearted boy, and this totally broken Mumma…
Grateful to you all I know you all here are just as lost and so alone….I promise to empathise with you all …And deeply honour your pain…
With love to all Deb Angel Sayge
Xx

Topic

[Moon]

Hi Deb, hope you don’t mind when I reply with a song. I just find sometimes the lyrics better express my sentiments.
Please know that I share your pain every moment of the day, along with so many others.
It was 10 mths, last Thursday since I last held my boy, so have been a bit quiet, sorry.
My friend just showed me a photo of his headstone, I haven’t been able to visit the cemetary yet, but seems his friends often do.
It was comforting to see so many tributes and flowers. I’m not one to visit, my parents are two laneways away from him and watching over.
Where is Sayge ? do you visit ? This poem resonates with me:
“Do not stand, By my grave, and weep, I am not there, I do not sleep”
I prefer to think of Sayge tending to another beautiful garden somewhere, and my Jezza sharing his banger of a playlist and not so funny jokes.
It’s taking a lot of practice but I’m trying to rewire my memory focus so I don’t just picture him lying lifeless, but bring happier memories to the fore.
Bittersweet as they are, I get to smile momentarily, sometimes even laugh out loud.
My friend also showed me a video of her sons recent 21st – my sons’ best friend. I could just picture my boy taking over the dance floor.
Insert swear words, he should have been there ! Nothing can ever be the same for his friends without him.
I know you say your friends and family have deserted you, but have you thought of contacting Sayges’ friends ?
Not so much to hear about what they’re doing, that’s hard, but to share memories of their time together .. just a thought.
You have so much love in your heart with nowhere to go, I wonder where-else your compassion could be valued.
Have you thought about volunteering? I can honestly say that if I didn’t have this distraction of caring for an elderly gentleman, I probably would not step outside my front door. Helping him feel less lonely, helps me, ‘give away what you don’t have’ you know what I mean.
Will look up the podcasts merci xxx

[rany12]

Dear Debsayge. Thank you for being so open and honest. I admire your courage so much. There are no right words at this time but you are not alone. Your messages certainly can pass along comforting words for other mothers who have lost a child and help them feel a little less alone.

My heart aches for you, I am sorry for your loss. To lose a child is like losing a piece of yourself.Not many people can relate and understand how this feels, how lonely that can feel as if you are the only one to ever weather this storm. Having your daughter pass away may feel like you failed at the most important part of the mother, but you have not. You will always be her mother, your love is always connected by heartstrings into infinity. She is always with you. First in her lifetime, then forever in your memory. May you continue to find the strength you need to get through each day, and that you find some form of peace and comfort in time. Those we love don’t go away. They walk beside us every day. Unseen, unheard, but always near.

[Moon]

Beautifully said Rany12

[debsayge]

Ohh an Angel just flew through my little window full of love and kindness…..Rany I am so grateful, I hope we can talk some more…..

Dear Moon
As always grateful for you and to you, shall write again soon, meantime rest easy knowing you are always in my thoughts
XxDeb

[vm_sapphire]

Hello Deb,

just checking in with you, hoping you are well. This time of year can be especially difficult after losing people special to us. Remember we are here, ready to listen or to read about how you are doing. Thank you for being there for other people who have also experienced life changing losses.

[debsayge]

Hello all grieving/mourning friends
Thank you Sapphire for checking in with me, I’m so grateful to you all, volunteers for your validation to all us saddest people, I’m always impressed with your loving kindness, as I know how hard it feels to express our deep sad feelings, as for me I’ve never been validated or understood at all so I say things from a deep hurt place and then worry that it didn’t sound right or something, anyway!!!
So dear Sapphire, I’ve been struggling, my loss of my Sayge is a profound shocking wound, I’m in such disbelief she has been so loved, and became such a strong healthy wholehearted girl, unfettered by all the shortcommings ( no disrespect intended) of the kids these days, thriving on our farm loving and caring for our animals everyday, we need her so much just can’t fathom what happened at all….I’ve had to get through Sayge’s birthday on the 14/11 Sayge should have turned 21, I could never ever have imagined that this could be!
As Sayge has always been my greatest friend and supporter, my protector from a really mean and uncaring family, (of origin) always on my side but with a deep respect and knowing of me and acceptance all things I’ve never known, living without her feels impossible, there’s something about having such a meaningful loving close relationship with a daughter, that I just can’t fathom how this could be for us, especially as I had yearned for this with my own mother and tried and tried to heal it…….and had the opposite it all feels cruelly unfair and so wrong.
Also have been abandoned by hollow people full of I’ll help you, which I’d feel cared for and sort of hopeful but they then do nothing, it’s happened over and over and I feel it’s shameful people really don’t care about us or have any care for my Sayge, it feels hopeless…..of course this time of year like last year for our family has always made beautiful presents for each other, homemade everything’s, beautifully worded homemade cards …..it’s all just too heart wrenching …..like last year the day will come an go and will be horrible and lonely, we can’t do the day at all…..
Thanks for listening
So much light to all reading
Love to you
XxDeb

[vm_sapphire]

Dear Deb,
thank you for sharing the struggles you and your family are experiencing through your loss. It’s so important to acknowledge the significance of the day which will forever be Sayge’s birthday for you and your family. It brought to mind something that Frank Ostaseski wrote about grief, in his book, The Five Invitations. I hope you don’t mind that I share it here with you. “…When someone close to us dies, we experience a tremendous sense of loss. At first, it’s like reaching for a hand that has always been there, only to discover that it is no longer available. Gradually we see that the relationship continues. The person is in some way internalised and you carry them with you wherever you go…”.
I wanted also to acknowledge your tremendous compassion, evident in the many replies you post to people who are suffering grief and loss themselves. We can never fully appreciate how far reaching the gift of connection is for people who may have felt they were alone in their experiences. So, thank you Deb, for always finding the time and space to connect, authentically and generously, in our forum community.

[debsayge]

Dear grieving community
Dearest moon,always sitting beside you, grieving mumma, with you holding us through these darkest, saddest days. Thinking of Jeremy, thinking of darling scout, all loss parents….
Holding you all today in the many broken pieces of my heart, our beautiful magical children ….
Cherish to you all
Many gentle huggings for you all
XxDeb

[Moon]

Because that you are going
And never coming back
And I, however absolute,
May overlook your track –
Because that death is final,
However first it be,
This instant be suspended
Above mortality –
Sigfica cance that each has lived
The other to detect
Discovery not God himself
Could now annihilate
Eternity, presumption
The instant I perceive
That you, who were existence
Yourself forgot to live-
The ‘life that is’ will then have been
A thing I never knew –
Until the realm of you
The ‘life that is’to be ‘ to me
A residence too plain
Unless in my redeemers face
I recognise your own –
Of immortality who doubts
He may exchange with me
Curtailed by your obscuring face
Of everything but he –
If ‘ God is love ‘ as he admits
We think that he must be
Because he is a jealous God
He tells us certainly
If ‘ all is possible with ‘ him
As he besides concedes
He will refund us finally
Our confiscated gods –
Emily Dickinson, 1873

[debsayge]

Hi dear Moon
Thank you, I think?
I appreciate you sharing your beautiful poems with me…
Love to know how your fairing my friend, have you found anything else to soothe your pain, any other sites or friends or?
I found another site called loss mothers, and also spirit sisters which at times is helpful sometimes not, I did also learn there are closed Facebook sites for parents but as I’m sooo not wanting to start FB, so not into the whole social media thing, not at all, I might have to think about it more though as I’m so needing to have a place to be often, where I might find some comfort being around other loss mothers, I find it hard as I’m so alone and although have My hubby and darling son they are defiantly not as messy as me which just makes me feel so like the only one here that’s so unable to function……
So yes struggling every day
Hoping to hear from you and how you are doing really….
Love to you
And all loss mothers
XxDeb

[Author]

Replies