Reply To: My sweet Sayge

[debsayge]

Dearest people in mourning together, I empathise deeply with you all….
Dear moon my friend, I’m so sorry your here with me but also grateful to have someone to talk too, it’s hard though hey! Speaking of our aching pain in such a public way, so much you just can’t say as mindful of hurting others here which I’m sorry if I do sometimes, knowing people are looking for hope and I just feel so hopeless in my grief, caught in this of so needing to share but not able to help from this broken place , I do want to say though here it’s always comforting that others aren’t telling us but just sharing which to be honest is why we’re here.
Her face does say it all Moon, the loneliness in her ache yes I see us like this, just wandering searching thinking around and around we go….
No I don’t consciously know the forest but I do at the same time, like most things, makes no sense, I shared every skill I could come up with for Sayge and this one was in her last days (not that we knew that!!!!). We’d visualise lying together on the forest floor watching the huge trees give us their oxygen we’d always be holding hands, surrounded by all our lost animal friends, our angels helping etc and we’d just breathe!! Ohhh saddens me…..
My nights when we do finally able to settle are like deep dark holes, no dreams at all but occasionally really desperate searching and calling to her in dreams which are terribly distressing …really wish I could welcome the feelings and smell and hearing as you mentioned, I also understand yours arnt always good as well….I just remind myself to be patient as I feel sure she’s just being her quiet self and I need to just keep asking and wait and hope…..so your wandering around rooms and I’m wandering around the garden, I still can’t cope at all being inside, outside I can manage in little moments, but it breaks me as I watch the spring and Sayges birth time coming up, everything in our garden we did together, flourishing but no Sayge, she n Jeremy dear Scout and all the others, didn’t get that chance and I can’t stand it at all, watching the abundance without my girls joy of it all is too hard.
So I continue to plant weed and weep and sob and there is no end to my crushing draining sadness…
I’m too reading Dr Joanne’s book most days, I’m glad you find comfort of sorts there too, have you come across her little handbook? Called grieving is loving, I’m finding it helpful as it reminds me always that my grief is okay and how I’m doing it maybe will lead to more compassion, I hope so, it’s a bit like having that loving friend sitting here holding my hand….
Here’s a poem from the book which I think will speak volumes

Once upon a time, my world was right,
And when the world was right, our hearts beat together.

The future included us.
Together.
And when the world was right,
I could speak your name without pangs,
And all my plans centred on our togetherness.

And when my well planned world contained you, it was a beautiful life.

I never planned for this apartness.
I never planned for the collapsing grief of your absence.
I never imagined, and never will, that this could be my life.

I just miss my right world.
I just miss you.

Dedicated here to you all…here.
Love and endurance for another lonely day

XxDeb