My sweet Sayge

[debsayge]

Dearest broken people,
I have met some of you already so thankyou so far for all your sharing and caring empathy….
So far I’ve been unable to tell and still am as I feel too traumatised with disbelief … so this is an outpouring of this Mumma to my girl, hoping it’s ok to do this way and not undermining anyone else for how they express… I’m the hope to feel heard and seen…
My darling girl I’m sure that you watching me now would say I love you so much Mumma!I understand, I see you!! Even though Now that the rest of the world does not!!
I miss you up in the early hrs, photographing the dawn to excitedly show me when I got up or a flower just opened, which you would later be picking to make the beautiful bunches with Archer for your farm gate shop, which from the money raised would pay for all your treasured animal feed, always taking great pride in decorating their little homes with cherry blossom branches and lush greens from our garden which you and Archer tended with so much effort and Joy!! I miss Luna and Ron (Harry Potter people) which became your names for each other, Ron for Archers strawberry blond hair and funny character and Luna for just you being yourself not into being anything but you and the long white blond hair, I miss watching you platt it every night so you’d have the waves you envied in your brothers….I miss our talks when you’d often snuggle in bed with me and telling me how safe you felt in my arms, you are my flowers mummy, thank you Mumma you always help me, I can’t talk to anyone like I can to you…i miss you always in the kitchen preparing our food together and your appreciation for it all, I miss you saying I’ll always help you Mumma, cause you need me….i haven’t even managed to clean the house now!! At all….I miss my little darlings chatting with bill and toffee ( our 2 soft toy Bilbys made by daddy) about all kinds of silly nonsense and toff calling me yummy I love you too, I miss walking past your room late at nights and sitting listening to my kids breathe peacefully as I’d sit and say sleep with all my love my precious ones( my kids always slept together) or before that just listening to all the funny stuff and their joyful laughter until finally they’d sleep….I miss watching you write in your journals (since about 6) which start with words like “diary 16 of my beautiful life” and ending with words like I will continue to be grateful every moment of my sparkling life….I miss you always being on my side and saying don’t worry about your mean family you’ve us now and we are always together, and I miss you honouring that togetherness always…..I miss our special christmases always filled with months of preparations and so much joy, months of Christmas carols, our birthdays which went for a week and I miss the cakes you made covered with flowers just like Mumma always made for you all….I so miss you playing piano with so much heart your piano teacher would always call you the girl with the beautiful hands….I miss watching you try so hard at karate and gaining your black belt with Archer….I miss you doing ballet with such dedication! I miss you riding your horses with archer and being so careful not to hurt them….I miss your dedication to animal communication, natural horsemanship…. I miss you looking deeply into my eyes with such trust….and then!!for her 18th birthday a heart wrenching diagnosis after she thought she’d hurt her knee, she hadn’t, she is always much to careful of herself, I never worried when she’d climb to the top of the trees…..then we were flung into that horrible adult hospital, and really should have been allowed in the childrens as although 18 only a little girl at heart…then she lost her beautiful hair….now stuck in a wheelchair for 3 months and frightened into not moving!! That leg!! Then when the poisons failed they heartlessly told her she’d need to sign this(first time signing) to sacrifice her left leg to live!! So she did so courageously but with so much fear and loss I don’t believe ican ever get past this trauma this horror, I understand you all know here, she was so devastated but still up on those crutches and outside to do everything…!!!.this was followed by abandoning hosp they had nothing for us and she hated them all, me too….we did everything alternative possible….months and months of many things everything be done to Sayge, I felt!! People don’t understand this, we didn’t see this coming!!!we thought we were safe!!! yet here we are like you in the devastation of our loss and no direction a catastrophic tragedy….we would love another family to connect with our small farm and us with my beautiful broken-hearted boy, and this totally broken Mumma…
Grateful to you all I know you all here are just as lost and so alone….I promise to empathise with you all …And deeply honour your pain…
With love to all Deb Angel Sayge
Xx

Topic

[Moon]

Don’t really need to watch the film, her face tells the story already don’t you think. I picture us looking the same way…
I’m certain if I happened to cross your path and we shared a glance I’d instantly recognize our common pain.
Like in that poem from Dr Joanne (which I still read daily) I would see it in you, and you in me, as we do, here in words.
I’m having a particularly teary weekend, as you say, the longer time stetches between us, the harder it is to fathom.
How do you sleep these days ? I always wake in the early hours, would probably get up and wander room to room aimlessly,
but my big old ginger cat wouldn’t be happy. But it’s the moments just before waking I find the hardest, when you’ve just been
dreaming of your child. I don’t get to choose the dreams, sometime they are of happy times, sometimes they are of the weeks/days leading up to his death,
sometimes he has already passed, but I can always smell, touch, hear him, so I welcome them.
Although it feels so utterly lonely sitting here crying by myself, I find comfort in knowing I have a friend holding hands with me xx

[debsayge]

Hello dear Moon
So so grateful for you my weeping sister in pain , yes always by your side and thanking that I’ve a friend too…..postcagain soon just thank you for now I really need as I’m sure I’m the saddest mumma on this earth but for your kindness and sharing
XxDeb

[debsayge]

Dearest people in mourning together, I empathise deeply with you all….
Dear moon my friend, I’m so sorry your here with me but also grateful to have someone to talk too, it’s hard though hey! Speaking of our aching pain in such a public way, so much you just can’t say as mindful of hurting others here which I’m sorry if I do sometimes, knowing people are looking for hope and I just feel so hopeless in my grief, caught in this of so needing to share but not able to help from this broken place , I do want to say though here it’s always comforting that others aren’t telling us but just sharing which to be honest is why we’re here.
Her face does say it all Moon, the loneliness in her ache yes I see us like this, just wandering searching thinking around and around we go….
No I don’t consciously know the forest but I do at the same time, like most things, makes no sense, I shared every skill I could come up with for Sayge and this one was in her last days (not that we knew that!!!!). We’d visualise lying together on the forest floor watching the huge trees give us their oxygen we’d always be holding hands, surrounded by all our lost animal friends, our angels helping etc and we’d just breathe!! Ohhh saddens me…..
My nights when we do finally able to settle are like deep dark holes, no dreams at all but occasionally really desperate searching and calling to her in dreams which are terribly distressing …really wish I could welcome the feelings and smell and hearing as you mentioned, I also understand yours arnt always good as well….I just remind myself to be patient as I feel sure she’s just being her quiet self and I need to just keep asking and wait and hope…..so your wandering around rooms and I’m wandering around the garden, I still can’t cope at all being inside, outside I can manage in little moments, but it breaks me as I watch the spring and Sayges birth time coming up, everything in our garden we did together, flourishing but no Sayge, she n Jeremy dear Scout and all the others, didn’t get that chance and I can’t stand it at all, watching the abundance without my girls joy of it all is too hard.
So I continue to plant weed and weep and sob and there is no end to my crushing draining sadness…
I’m too reading Dr Joanne’s book most days, I’m glad you find comfort of sorts there too, have you come across her little handbook? Called grieving is loving, I’m finding it helpful as it reminds me always that my grief is okay and how I’m doing it maybe will lead to more compassion, I hope so, it’s a bit like having that loving friend sitting here holding my hand….
Here’s a poem from the book which I think will speak volumes

Once upon a time, my world was right,
And when the world was right, our hearts beat together.

The future included us.
Together.
And when the world was right,
I could speak your name without pangs,
And all my plans centred on our togetherness.

And when my well planned world contained you, it was a beautiful life.

I never planned for this apartness.
I never planned for the collapsing grief of your absence.
I never imagined, and never will, that this could be my life.

I just miss my right world.
I just miss you.

Dedicated here to you all…here.
Love and endurance for another lonely day

XxDeb

[Moon]

[debsayge]

All dear grievers here, my friend Moon,
Checking up on anyone who may want to let me know how your doing, and helping you to know I’m always here to empathise with you in these hardest of times…. As for me! I’m struggling!!!with so many aspects of my loss of my Sayge, we have been together everyday since I first held my baby girl and I can’t see how to get through this, I’m finding the unbearable loneliness crushing and don’t have really any moments where it’s not. I’m thinking about all those that could be helping my family, and I’m so saddened by their complete lack of care for us, and so tired of trying… but also I’m realising it’s that the unbearable absence of my Sayge is unbelievable, honestly unbearable for me….I know I’m a very emotional person, I’ve cared and loved incredibly deeply and now without her love her sustenance it’s feeling so desperate.
I wonder if I can even survive this loss, my husband and son are really sad also but they are able to function, this just makes me feel even lonelier and I’m feeling like a burden, too sad, now I’m struggling with so much fear of the future and now I don’t know even what my role could be, also as there is no one around me who seems to understand I wonder if I’ve anything left to offer anyone anymore, I feel so done! And exhausted from all the heartache….
I’ve tried to reach others by making notes to put up at the shops, and it’s so disheartening that no one’s responded and probably won’t, friends have all deserted us, they weren’t around for long, certainly don’t ever call unless I prompt them, I just don’t have the energy or care anymore to try, you just end up feeling that nobody cares and that’s were I’m at….it really could make a difference if people were more compassionate (to suffer with) but I just think now there all so damn selfish and won’t even try!!!
So I’ll just keep weeding, planting, Archer is doing a lot of building and gardening with me, we just keep vaguely hoping something will come, but who knows, we’ve and all of us here!! Are suffering the worst and everyday feels like a marathon…
I’m just sharing, hoping to hear from some of you, and being honest with you all, we need the help of each other, I sure do
XxMuch love to you all… enduring yet another hard day, thankyou for listening to me.
XxDeb

[vm_sapphire]

Deb,

thank you for sharing your experiences, thoughts and feelings through this devastating time. You and your family have been through so much. You have taken time to be there for other people experiencing loss through your forum posts and I wanted to acknowledge the strength and hope you give to others. I hope the comfort and hope you have given to others somehow lightens the days ahead for you and your family.

[Moon]

[Moon]

Thank you for your honesty deb, you express words that I echoe

[debsayge]

Hi dear Moon,
Thank you for the echo, that’s sadly heartening….
So much love to you…

Dear Sapphire,
Thanks for your encouragement, yes I hope my words here are helpful if not depressing , it’s all I have in me to come and share and hold others, I hope so

XxDeb

[debsayge]

Dear grieving friends,
My only friends, actually…
My friend Moon, thank you for these songs, you have the heart of a poet, for sure, that heart of a loving mother whose lost our beautiful child, brings this out in this way, thank you for being someone I can be with here…..

I hope it’s okay here to make a suggestion, I’ve found a site which has so much honest conversation, so many different views from special talks….take a look it’s called good mourning ….
2 Young women who’ve been shocked at the lack of support for us devastated people, you know out there, the lack of friends etc….. a place where we can explore lots of different podcasts, and honest chats…..I particularly liked Megan Devine ( it’s ok not to be ok) anyway I hope this helps some of you just to find some sustenance maybe even some hope… a way to explore as many here, me too, not really able to find support/ losing hope etc, and to damn tired to even try at times, just good to listen when you can’t actually do anything or are so confused….
So much love
XxDeb

[Author]

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