Reply To: My sweet Sayge

[Moon]

Hi Deb (all), I think you are so incredibly brave reaching out like that, I wonder if anyone has responded yet ?
I’m sure it felt good just writing the message, for Archer also. Has he joined Canteen already? He’s over 12 yes?
As you know my family were, still are highly involved, can’t recommend them highly enough.
I’ve wanted to write, but was mindful that my mood has been all over the place and don’t want affect others here.
Guess I got stuck in the “if onlys” regret and anger for a bit. I cannot apologise for that, those feelings will always come and go.
I’m a mother who will never hear my childs’ voice again, so I’m allowed to feel whatever emotions pierce my heart.
But I won’t linger too long in dark spaces, they could easily swallow me up, been there before, I’m resisting with all my might.
I remember reading “what to expect when you’re expecting” as a naive first-time mother, so intent on getting things right.
Of course the birth and first 2 years with my eldest were a nightmare, but no one really warns you how utterly deeply you will love your child.
It’s different to the love of a partner or family, it’s the most purest expression of unconditional, lay down my life for you, absolute love.
That first look of recognition after bonding in our bellies, and then all the miraculous steps shared together.. is my reason for being.
Thank you my son, for being my child, thank you Sayge for being Deb’s daughter, we miss you, hope you’re hanging out together xxx