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My sweet Sayge

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Home Forums Loss of a loved one My sweet Sayge

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  • #21196
    debsayge
    Participant

    Dearest broken people,
    I have met some of you already so thankyou so far for all your sharing and caring empathy….
    So far I’ve been unable to tell and still am as I feel too traumatised with disbelief … so this is an outpouring of this Mumma to my girl, hoping it’s ok to do this way and not undermining anyone else for how they express… I’m the hope to feel heard and seen…
    My darling girl I’m sure that you watching me now would say I love you so much Mumma!I understand, I see you!! Even though Now that the rest of the world does not!!
    I miss you up in the early hrs, photographing the dawn to excitedly show me when I got up or a flower just opened, which you would later be picking to make the beautiful bunches with Archer for your farm gate shop, which from the money raised would pay for all your treasured animal feed, always taking great pride in decorating their little homes with cherry blossom branches and lush greens from our garden which you and Archer tended with so much effort and Joy!! I miss Luna and Ron (Harry Potter people) which became your names for each other, Ron for Archers strawberry blond hair and funny character and Luna for just you being yourself not into being anything but you and the long white blond hair, I miss watching you platt it every night so you’d have the waves you envied in your brothers….I miss our talks when you’d often snuggle in bed with me and telling me how safe you felt in my arms, you are my flowers mummy, thank you Mumma you always help me, I can’t talk to anyone like I can to you…i miss you always in the kitchen preparing our food together and your appreciation for it all, I miss you saying I’ll always help you Mumma, cause you need me….i haven’t even managed to clean the house now!! At all….I miss my little darlings chatting with bill and toffee ( our 2 soft toy Bilbys made by daddy) about all kinds of silly nonsense and toff calling me yummy I love you too, I miss walking past your room late at nights and sitting listening to my kids breathe peacefully as I’d sit and say sleep with all my love my precious ones( my kids always slept together) or before that just listening to all the funny stuff and their joyful laughter until finally they’d sleep….I miss watching you write in your journals (since about 6) which start with words like “diary 16 of my beautiful life” and ending with words like I will continue to be grateful every moment of my sparkling life….I miss you always being on my side and saying don’t worry about your mean family you’ve us now and we are always together, and I miss you honouring that togetherness always…..I miss our special christmases always filled with months of preparations and so much joy, months of Christmas carols, our birthdays which went for a week and I miss the cakes you made covered with flowers just like Mumma always made for you all….I so miss you playing piano with so much heart your piano teacher would always call you the girl with the beautiful hands….I miss watching you try so hard at karate and gaining your black belt with Archer….I miss you doing ballet with such dedication! I miss you riding your horses with archer and being so careful not to hurt them….I miss your dedication to animal communication, natural horsemanship…. I miss you looking deeply into my eyes with such trust….and then!!for her 18th birthday a heart wrenching diagnosis after she thought she’d hurt her knee, she hadn’t, she is always much to careful of herself, I never worried when she’d climb to the top of the trees…..then we were flung into that horrible adult hospital, and really should have been allowed in the childrens as although 18 only a little girl at heart…then she lost her beautiful hair….now stuck in a wheelchair for 3 months and frightened into not moving!! That leg!! Then when the poisons failed they heartlessly told her she’d need to sign this(first time signing) to sacrifice her left leg to live!! So she did so courageously but with so much fear and loss I don’t believe ican ever get past this trauma this horror, I understand you all know here, she was so devastated but still up on those crutches and outside to do everything…!!!.this was followed by abandoning hosp they had nothing for us and she hated them all, me too….we did everything alternative possible….months and months of many things everything be done to Sayge, I felt!! People don’t understand this, we didn’t see this coming!!!we thought we were safe!!! yet here we are like you in the devastation of our loss and no direction a catastrophic tragedy….we would love another family to connect with our small farm and us with my beautiful broken-hearted boy, and this totally broken Mumma…
    Grateful to you all I know you all here are just as lost and so alone….I promise to empathise with you all …And deeply honour your pain…
    With love to all Deb Angel Sayge
    Xx

Viewing 10 replies - 31 through 40 (of 54 total)
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  • #22574
    debsayge
    Participant

    Hello dear friends ,
    Loving Moon, mumma of Jeremy
    Devoted grieving mumma of darling Scout….ALWAYS….
    I am here always listening, empathising, feeling the raw pain with you all here……
    I’ve made up a little sign, I wanted to share, maybe see what you think, it’s my way to try to find others like us and hopefully start something helpful for us grieving lonely people, I’m going to put it up in a couple of local shops,?so it reads

    To any other bereaved families (and especially siblings) of your child, we too are living with this unbearable loss, we are just here to offer our garden as a refuge from a world which doesn’t understand, to just be together, to just come alongside informally to share a cup of tears. Come as you are, no pretence here Sunday afternoons……
    In kindness and memory of our Sweet Angel Sayge forever 19, Deb, Andy Archer
    04XX XXX XXX

    We the bereaved need something tangible and local

    Also my children have always had little shops, when we moved here some years back, we now had a farm gate shop which we sell whatever produce and eggs but also beauty filled bunches of flowers, Sayge made them all so proudly, so just to share it’s been too painful to place anything there, I just cannot pick her flowers, so when the lemons were all falling off we didn’t want to waste them? Ohh what to do, so I’ve put a little sign on the table which reads

    Please honour this as sacred space a moment!
    In beloved memory of our darling sweet Sayge forever 19
    Who tended her little shop and home with such loving care, so much heartfelt joy
    Every single day
    If we can manage! To place some goods here it’s done with a heavy broken heart.
    Please hold our Sayge in your hearts as you move through your busy days
    And as we, Sayge’s broken hearted family
    Try to navigate this impossible loss without her loving presence

    Be blessed today
    Be kind to all
    Be kind

    Thank you So, Sayge’s loving family. 14/11/01-15/1/21

    So I’m finding it feels right to spread love and an awareness so people can stop and think, this seems to help in some way just to bring awareness I suppose I’m hoping something will come so we’ll see, anyway just sharing.

    So much love to you all to endure yet another lonely day
    XxDeb

    #22683
    Moon
    Participant

    Hey Deb, I hear you. Wish I lived nearby. When I’m sitting on my deck feeding the birds, shedding tears, I feel less alone, knowing you are probably doing the same.
    I can picture your home in my head, as you can probably mine from our sharings. We both have a child forever 19…
    Like you, I have no family, friends disappear, but I still need to talk about my son. Not just about my loss, but also everything beautiful about him, like you with Sayge.
    So many positives in despite of their lives being so cruelly cut short. So incredibly impossible hard for a parent to bury their own child..
    I had my last grief line counselling session a few weeks ago, which I’m so appreciative for, we often talked about how little support there is for parents of adult children.
    Insert swear words, but once my son turned 18, all the support he’d known since age 10 suddenly disappeared. That included me with Redkite counsel.
    I love her idea suggested of setting up a safe place for parents to share, but I’m not up for the task, maybe you can create a site Deb ?xxxxx

    #22705
    debsayge
    Participant

    Dear G/l I am sorry about putting my number on I had just been copying my note word for word, so sorry about that…..

    Dearest Moon, broken mumma of your beautiful boy, you are so right it is the cruelest, that’s the word, our children are part of us, always and forever, and to be taken like that rips into our very souls we are just left writhing in pain and that’s how it is now.
    At the same time our love is still the same and I know we need to give it…..I’m feeling like that’s my purpose to open up our haven (Sayge’s haven) for other bereaved families, if I can help even 1 other mumma feel less alone, if my darling boy could be in the presence of other kids who’ve lost there brother or sister and meet all the animals etc, we’ll I think that’s creating a better world……
    I too so wish you were closer, I would love to hug n cry with you, I’d feel safe, I hope we can do that one day, or talk on the ph for hours even…..
    Your home in my mind looks beautiful with all the gums and bush land, all the native animals I so love it…..
    I hope you don’t mind me saying you are my own carol king, and thank you so much my friend…..
    I’m not a computer person At All so I wouldn’t even know how to start a whatever you called it, but I am here for you to rant to Always.
    I’m a bit worried about having put my notes out at the shops, anyway I did it in a brave moment and we’ll see what comes won’t we….
    Love to you much love to everyone
    Thanks always for listening

    #22738
    vmsunflower2
    Participant

    Hi @debsayge @moon

    I can’t imagine how hard things have been for the both of you (and anyone else who has been through this), but I admire how well you have handled this till now, I love the connection you both seem to have, it’s beautiful to watch this relationship.

    Stay strong, keeping reaching out, thinking of you always:) Please don’t stop sharing your beautiful stories and memories!

    #22740
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi Deb (all), I think you are so incredibly brave reaching out like that, I wonder if anyone has responded yet ?
    I’m sure it felt good just writing the message, for Archer also. Has he joined Canteen already? He’s over 12 yes?
    As you know my family were, still are highly involved, can’t recommend them highly enough.
    I’ve wanted to write, but was mindful that my mood has been all over the place and don’t want affect others here.
    Guess I got stuck in the “if onlys” regret and anger for a bit. I cannot apologise for that, those feelings will always come and go.
    I’m a mother who will never hear my childs’ voice again, so I’m allowed to feel whatever emotions pierce my heart.
    But I won’t linger too long in dark spaces, they could easily swallow me up, been there before, I’m resisting with all my might.
    I remember reading “what to expect when you’re expecting” as a naive first-time mother, so intent on getting things right.
    Of course the birth and first 2 years with my eldest were a nightmare, but no one really warns you how utterly deeply you will love your child.
    It’s different to the love of a partner or family, it’s the most purest expression of unconditional, lay down my life for you, absolute love.
    That first look of recognition after bonding in our bellies, and then all the miraculous steps shared together.. is my reason for being.
    Thank you my son, for being my child, thank you Sayge for being Deb’s daughter, we miss you, hope you’re hanging out together xxx

    #22742
    Moon
    Participant
    #22776
    debsayge
    Participant

    Dear Sunflower thank you for your kindness to us here, always grateful for some gentleness
    And love to you today

    My dear Moon, thank you for staying with me, means more than I can say honestly, for your kindness, encouragement, songs, sharing your brokenness helps me not to feel as hopeless as I do…..I am always struggling as the time (which I hate) stretches away from my Sayge it seems to break me more and more, I don’t know whether I feel better if I’m getting closer to being with Sayge ( as I always had a sort of knowing belief in these things but the horror of this has really smashed all my trusting), or with see that time is moving me further away. As I haven’t had any feelings Sayge is with me, and honestly I struggle with it, I mean not since the beginning where after only a few days saw her standing right in front of me looking shocked and said mummy!! One tear sliding down her beautiful face, I picked her up and she snuggled into my neck as we walked away down a path in a forest, I like to think that part of me resides with her wherever we went, and that visit!! Holds me that she’s somewhere beautiful…..
    I also wonder if our children are together, it makes sense that if we’ve formed a bond so to have they, I hope Jezza loves animals cause Sayge will be surrounded by her little loves lost, especially her bunny hony , crookshanks her old ginger cat who left just prior and Lilly her baby alpaca whom she trained and adored along with many chickens, bunnies, Guinea’s, alpacas, etc, truely a nature child ….being spring now and her both coming up I am feeling pretty raw with the unbearable absence, the missing is truely hollow…..
    Thanks for saying I’m brave but as you well know it didn’t feel that way, it feels desperately sad, and sooo lonely to have to put notes out to try and find someone to relate, I’m hoping something comes, nothing yet! I hope I can handle it as it feels so scary too….
    Always thinking about you other people in pain, everywhere in this troubled world, and grieving mumma, and Moon, I hope I’m helping and not hurting you all more as this is my way to feel it all out….
    My darling Sayge your eyes, your smiles, your gentle ways, your real loving hugs, your care and comfort, how darling do I get through another lonely day without you???
    XxDeb

    #22791
    debsayge
    Participant

    And also to vmocean for your heartfelt words to us here, much love to you today and all days
    Xx

    #22792
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi Deb, thank you for being there for all of us, your words echo mine, please keep writing.
    Yep, I reckon our kids are comparing agriculture notes together ! Jeremy couldn’t attend school as much as he wanted to, but never missed that class.
    Our high school had an entire farm and vegie patch. And yes we’ve always had a houseful of pets: rabbits, guinea pigs, budgies, cats and dogs also.
    I feel that dream in the forest – do you recognize it, is it closeby ? Whenever I dream of my son it’s always here at home, or when we’ve been on holidays.
    I know you love weeding, but spring is here somewhat, so why not plant a few flowers to attract the birds and butterflies like I just did.
    Of course I sat there regarding my work, knowing my son will never ever sit with me on the deck to look at them, and sobbed my little heart out.
    So often things feel pointless and fruitless, but it brought me joy and the sun shone through the clouds, it actually rained next door but not chez moi.
    I hear you wanting to connect with others, so do I, but can only truly relate to other parents whose child has gone through cancer.
    There are things weighing on my mind that I nowhere to express. I used to be a pretty good poet, but can’t deal…
    I had an unexpected ‘condolences’ from an old neighbour yesterday at the shops, what to reply? I just asked how did you know ? and walked away.
    I’m so very grateful I found this role as a compagnion/carer for this 90yr old gent. Probs wouldn’t leave the house otherwise.
    Can have the same conversation over and over haha, feels good to be appreciated, would feel useless otherwise, taking him to a Neil Diamond concert at the Opera House.
    never knew Hugh Sheridan could sing, know him from “packed to the rafters”.
    Shilo was my childhood friend, might post a song on your thread, gonna delete mine xxx

    #22811
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi Deb, Hi, I just watched one of my favourite french movies again – trois colueurs bleu – and thought of you. I love the music score.
    Don’t understand the language but it’s Corinthians, love is gentle, love is kind xxx

Viewing 10 replies - 31 through 40 (of 54 total)
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