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debsayge
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Musings on BEING with grief,

Hi I’m Deb, broken mumma of my darling girl Sweet Sayge….

I have been feeling a lot , ohhh such a lot, ohhh all over the place, brokenness, and I’ve decided that if I write my thoughts here it may resonate with some of you here just as something to contemplate…some thoughts to share, I’m hoping this thread will bring out others thoughts to share too.
Life as we know it now after our pain filled losses is so raw so changed so awful, also we acknowledge the unspeakable way in which we had to just witness our beloveds demise, which we can either speak about or not, sits so heavily in our shattered hearts…

Yet here we are in these forums, Alone, abandoned by non grieving (at the moment) family/friends/society, who can’t/won’t look our way….at least not for long .

My family is completely Alone here, no family care or support, no friends that have stayed, from here it’s been impossible to keep trying to connect; (so difficult when you’ve no energy or confidence, we’d need an advocate to help us which obviously we don’t have) as a family, with other bereaved of your child families, it’s for our survival truely, there must be others like us, nearby, but we are all hiding from a world that’s too harsh with our fragile hearts, in forums, at home….we need you, we need each other, please put up your hand and we can gather here in our garden, this is my plea ! for just a couple of other families to share, maybe in just this informal space we could feel held by one-another, and our children, being in the presence of other bereaved siblings could be so nurturing, can anyone relate? Any thoughts on how to find what we need?
I mean we’re thinking of putting a sign out front??? That’s desperate.

I saw a talk recently called don’t look away from the homeless; I thought; OR the grieving…..in my unbearable mourning; about my only hope was that people would stay with me, because they care, because they love Sayge too, but from what I’ve witnessed now; this is not the reality of what happens and it’s debilitating, frightening, crushing to our family.
My Sayge deserved so much more than this, all our lost beloveds, much much more than a truncated response,it’s making our grief that much more crushing.
Then, on top of this, we are seen as some pathological thing to be fixed, or avoided.
There’s the choice,
fixed is turning away from our deeply loved person we lost, purposely putting our unbearable pain ‘somewhere know-one has to look at it’ move on….or stay with the pain of loss , feeling the depths of our beloveds in so doing remembering them, loving them with our whole broken hearts, honouring our lost people in our unique ways….whatever that means, I just don’t know right now….it’s somewhere this unbearable pain is taking me/us.
So what I’ve been wondering about is if we could all find the courage to take our grief out into the world, let it be seen, would this not make it easier for the next grieving person??
Then I thought we’ll that’s silly as I’m way to fragile to do this, maybe we could bring something back though, from older days, how about arm bands, perhaps our beautiful persons favourite colour , red is Sayge’s favourite, or rainbow ribbon, or with our beloveds name on the ribbon,imagine all grieving people wearing arm bands, we could really say something here; “my heart is broken, please be kind to me”, wouldn’t this allow us to be seen, acknowledged, open a space for others to pause and reflect even momentarily, possibly begin a more caring and understanding response from others and I feel give us a voice where ours has been silenced by loss; and would this enable the next person to experience this pain, a little more compassion….i see where other grieving families have created “a cause” either small or great; and I don’t know about anyone else here but it makes me feel more hopeless than I already do as I feel so incapable of anything, then I surmise , I bet they’ve had so much family/friends support ? That things have been more possible look I don’t know however I imagine if we all did this small thing perhaps we could start revolutionising how we are witnessed in our unbearable suffering and in this small way honouring our own beloveds, allowing us to feel we are doing something!however small, that we can manage.
Imagine your out (you don’t want to be) someone actually comes up and acknowledges you, we have a hug or cry together and they share something with you too perhaps, or maybe someone just looks into your eyes with a knowing. I mean not one thing helps our unbearable living now, although just possibly the acknowledgment (which is why we’re in these forums) might bring slight comfort to our hearts also isnt this sort of re-building the connections we so desperately need in offering our humanity to each other as human beings rather than human doings.

From the Pooh stories!
“How strange that the grass is all that remains after the storm “ said the boy.
“Sometimes being soft is strong” said the rabbit.

So to me, the softness of others is what I need, what I feel we all need. If we are to survive! This.

With so much of my heart to you all, may we all have a softness around us now, please!
Deb
Xx

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