Hello @georgia, it sounds like you have been through a lot with this relationship. Having people that we care so deeply for come in and out of our lives is such an emotional rollercoaster, it takes a lot of strength from you to be able to cope with this. From what you’ve said the loss of not having him in your life is something that is really devastating. Sometimes that feeling of loss never goes away completely but over time it can be something that we’re able to cope with.
I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about what you are going through here on the forums. It is a supportive community. You said that you feel clearer about what happened from writing your post, that sounds like talking about it or writing it down is a helpful thing for you? I’m not sure if you’ve already seen this on the website, but it might also be helpful to have a look at this article about relationship loss – https://griefline.org.au/resources/relationship-loss/