Thank you everyone for your beautiful kind words and support. I joined this forum in a moment of hopelessness. Every now and then when I get a reply it reminds me that I am not alone so thank you all for taking that time and brightening my day.
1 year passed on May 22nd 2022 since I lost my baby. I dreaded the day and wished I could sleep it away but I woke up and it was like there was a shift. A sense of relief, as though I had made it.
365 days without seeing her face or hearing ” Hey Mum” when I got home from work. My loss still hits me everyday. I have moments where I am breathless and it floors me again I can’t fathom the idea that she is not here.
My mum had a dream that my daughter told her I need to listen to music. I love music and my kids have always loved music but honestly it just has not felt the same for me so I have denied myself even listening. A few days before the dreaded day I started listening again and all those feelings of joy came back. I felt alive again. Right now I am ok so I am just running with it while it lasts. It doesn’t get easier and I believe I have started to accept that. A friend of mine who lost her brother recently said it’s almost like you die. I agree on May 22 2021 I died. I will never be that person again. I think we grieve ourselves too. We grieve that fact that we are not the same and everything will never be ok again. You never accept your child dying I think what you do accept is the loss of your old self.
My heart goes out to all other grieving parents but please remember you are not alone. Don’t let anyone tell you what’s right or wrong. You do you. It won’t get easier but you will live again.
I read a post on a grief page I follow on FB the post read along the lines of.
“You begged for their pain to be taken away and it was. Now you bear the pain of their absence”.
I dont remember how many times I begged God to take Kaylees pain away and if I now have to endure this pain for eternity for her to not suffer anymore then I will do that and I will make her proud. If anyone would like to see Kaylees journey her public FB Page is still active
Kaylee Kicking Cancer’s Butt. I have not taken her page down as even though she has gone she was so strong and inspirational and I feel like I would be doing her an injustice by not continuing to share her story.
In the words of my daughter
“One day Cancer will be nothing but a zodiac sign”