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Thanks. It took me a while (it felt like a lifetime!) to figure that all out after my dog died. But it’s a great question. A very moving question. One we’ve probably been asking for thousands of years and will probably keep asking for thousands more.
It was a great comfort to me once I realised that we carry them with us. Sometimes the weight is heavy, sometimes it’s light. It changes every day. I am glad to still have a relationship with my fallen hero through this fluctuating landscape of emotions. I’d give EVERYTHING to see her again, to smell her again but I’m glad she had me and never had to know a day without me. She had a wonderful life with me and taught me how to recognise (and befriend) other dogs that are fearful of people or eye contact or just lack self confidence. I’ll never be the same and I’m so glad! And she would be proud of me for helping other dogs who don’t feel so sure about something to feel safe and respected and secure and build their confidence and trust gently.I am sure every pet owner has earned similar gifts… Learning the quirks of a hyperactive cat, secret hiding spots for treats or naps, how to play with their pet depending on the age or weather or time of day, how to read their moods, what foods they’re sensitive to, the most special treats… all lessons for the next dog or cat (or any pet) or person we meet who might share traits with our old companion.
My family don’t understand because they are afraid of attachment, feelings, vulnerability, love, friendship, kinship. I can not imagine a worse life. To live in such fear of grief or loss that you never let love or friendship into your heart? No thanks. I see the ones who have lost as the lucky ones. It’s strong to share, to share life and feelings and space. To be able to be real, it’s special! Whether you share your home and life with people or animals – whoever you love and cherish and eventually grieve, you’ve done a great thing. Two souls agree and both say “yes, I’ll let you in.” That’s… I think that’s the most amazing, powerful, meaningful moment I’ve had. I think that’s what I live for. To be a part of those experiences of connection.
Life is rare in this universe. To connect with another soul? I think that means you did well.
Hi Scott,
Thank you so much for your courage in sharing such a deeply personal and heartbreaking story with us.
I can’t imagine the weight of what you’ve been carrying with the suddenness of Justin’s passing, the shock of the circumstances, and the layers of grief following so closely after your father’s death. It’s a lot for anyone to process, let alone while trying to support a young family and lead your team at work.
Your love for your brother shines through. The confusion and pain you’re feeling is something many of us experience after sudden loss. Please be gentle with yourself. It sounds like you were a constant and loving presence in his life. The bond you shared is unbreakable, even in death.
Not having answers from the coroner only adds to the pain. Ambiguous loss like this can feel impossible to reconcile. It’s okay that you don’t feel okay right now. Grief doesn’t follow a schedule, and it’s perfectly valid to feel broken even as you try to hold everything together for others.
Please don’t hesitate to reach out and keep talking, whether here or on our helpline.
We are here to listen.
Dear @roamingshepherd, what a beautiful and heartfelt response. Thank you for taking the time to share, especially with such compassion.
What you’re feeling is completely normal. And it natural to go through a grieving process and important you do it, otherwise if you suppress it may show up another way (irritation, anger etc) some day and you won’t understand why. Plus, its a good way to teach your precious children that men have feelings and that being sad is ok. Everyone has sad and happy days. So dad will be sad for a while but then when he remembers uncle Justin, he’ll tell us funny stories of what they did when they were kids.
I’m glad you reached it, its normal and healthy. Let your family and friends support you in your time of need. And seek a bit of counselling, even if its just a few sessions, just to process the shock (its called acute grief because you weren’t expecting it).
Look after yourself.
If you ever find yourself anxious about that question… if they’ve ever been an important presence in your life then the answer to where they go is easy: they go with you.
You will carry them with you forever.
At first that feels like an immensely heavy burden. Sometimes it is so heavy and overwhelming that you feel SO MUCH that it seems like you can’t feel anything. You might feel empty, lost or numb. Your brain is trying to protect you from these very big feelings so it shuts them off because it’s too much. It’s ok – your feelings will come back. And the spirit of your friend isn’t gone. It’s more like you’re right in the middle of it. You’re experiencing grief, distress, mourning. Every hour of the process is different. Be kind to yourself.Eventually you might come to see the weight of your friend that you will carry as a blessing.
The grief and loss of a dear friend, your bright joy, your best buddy, playmate, soulmate, strength, companion, confidante, support, inspiration … It is a huge thing to lose. But you were blessed to have shared some time together. That is a great gift! How lucky you are to have found each other in this life. Of course it’s a tragedy that time is over. But how lucky that your paths ever crossed.You will never forget them.
Sometimes you will be able to feel them on the wind. Or see echoes of their immense beauty in a sunset or grand landscape. Sometimes you’ll just be washing the dishes, or getting a mug from the cupboard to make tea, or about to open the fridge, or sit down on the couch, and you’ll feel them close as ever! It is ok to cry when you remember they are gone – but remember to laugh at the joy you shared too. Those memories are just as important. Remember the silly things they got up to. Those memories are not gone. Every time you ever spoiled them with treats or pats or cuddles or toys or play… what a gift!Death and loss are not the end, they’re a change to a new type of relationship you will have with your loved one moving forward. It exists in memory now and in who they helped you to become today and tomorrow.
Take care of the person that your pet loved. They would want you to be safe, happy, healthy, loved and living well. And good on you for being brave enough to open your heart up to another living being and share your life with them. Some people are not so brave and never know a love like yours.
I am sorry for your loss but proud of your ability to be vulnerable and open up your heart and your home to an animal and I hope you find another opportunity to share life, love, friendship and compassion with another pet in the future. Your fallen friend will be with you and live on through that experience too. That is a part of how they have changed you forever.
Hi littlenatnat850,
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of this close companion that you shared so much with. It really sounds like you had many things in common and we’re really there for each other. There seems to have been many threads to your relationship, as you met through online gaming, and connected on a much deeper level from there. I can only imagine that this is very painful for you as you embark on this period of not having contact with each other.
It is perfectly natural to miss someone deeply when you were previously so close. It also sounds like you have many strengths including your ability to connect with others and form strong bonds. I understand that your strong bond with her is part of what you have lost, but still this does indicate strength and many positive qualities about yourself.
I hope you have someone to support you and talk to you. You can call our Helpline (1300 845 745) between the hours of 8am and 8pm to speak with one of our caring Volunteers. We also have various resources available on our website, such as this article about relationship loss https://griefline.org.au/resources/relationship-loss/.
Please feel free to continue to engage with our online forums. We are here listening to you.
In November 2024 I met this girl online on a video game (lets call her K for privacy concerns) and well we deeply connected. The first time we talked it was about religion because I’d like to spread the Word of God online and she was curious since at the time she was Jehovah Witness and I’m Catholic. So then we then started texting frequently on Instagram. We would also play video games often and we play those 2-player games too. She was kind and genuinely cared for me. We had similar interests in drawing, video gaming, volleyball, love of nature and religion too. Later on she actually converted and so we shared the same Catholic faith, we would pray for one another and read the Bible together and try to lead people closer to Jesus. I got to know more of her backstory, like struggles in the family and her childhood such as her dad passing away and also how she had 6 past failed relationships. She also asked me how can I know if this person is the one because I want him to be my last (almost certainly referring to me because I was her closest guy friend). And she always said how she wants to cook and look pretty for her future husband. She even asked me if we could meet up in Australia when she is older since she lives in Guam, and she said she wanted to cook a shrimp dish for me. In fact my nickname for her was ‘Shrimpy’ for that reason (and not to insult me) and I would call her ‘Sleepyhead’ because thats how she is. My main point is we were really close.
Yet despite this I was painfully aware of our age difference since at the time I was 18 and she was 16. I was born in October 2006 and she was born March 2008. We didn’t do anything inappropriate I think but I was fearful that I would appear as if I’m taking advantage of her since shes younger and I’d become someone I’d regret being. So I cut her off for 4 days in mid December just to handle the fact that we were getting too close way too soon. But this was the event in which ruptured trust and commitment in our relationship. Since this time, she has always been afraid of committing to me because shes never been with an older guy, I’m too old and I get the ‘ick’ because of her.
Yet in reality I really do love her and I see a future with her, but I just wanted us to have some time as close friends until we’re both older and mature for us to date and possibly be married. Our feelings for each other were revealed 2 months later after daily texts and playing video games on Feb 14, Valentine’s day, even though I didn’t really want to tell her yet. Her friends continuously pressured that I needed to share my feelings with her because K was afraid I don’t like her. And so I did, we both expressed feelings that we liked each other and yet one of those same friends said our relationship was weird and inappropriate. And so I cut her off again saying we can’t be Valentines and we needed a break. However we decided we would watch a movie called Interstellar together anyways as friends after Valentines and it was nice
After this she started drifting off emotionally. She wouldn’t want to share her heart with me. She said she doesn’t want to be emotionally attached to me even though she once did. She would play with many other guys (the main ones are T and M, though there were many others) and I ended up getting hurt lots because we would still text most days but yet emotionally distant with me and be with the other guys.
Eventually I decided I wanted to be clear with her and what I wanted. in early April, I said let’s make a commitment to be close friends so we eventually date in the future And she agreed with an enthusiastic yes! And I told her we should call every week and have deep and meaningful conversation to maintain this type of relationship. And she agreed.
However she couldn’t keep the promise. She refused to take any of my calls and she said I just want to be friends because I can’t deal with you knowing so much about me, even though she would be playing with T and M at the same time. Even while she said she was committed to being close friends to date in the future with me, she was matching in username with her guy ‘friend’ M. It hurt so bad I was crying in a bathroom alone. And then a week later after saying she doesn’t want that committment, she started dating M which hurt me so badly.
I took a week break from her and after that I tried just being friends with her. However there were many concerns on my mind. It got to the point where I expressed how I was feeling hurt with her behaviour and she would ghost me even though we’re just friends. Like I would bring how the relationship between her and M seems emotionally unstable since both her and M just immediately got out of committed relationships and started dating and people would get hurt. And then I said its like you’re seeking so much attention, and want to be close with many guys, but not be attached to them and hearts would be played. I’ve talked to many of her guy friends including another dude named L and T and also M and they expressed the same hurts that I have, that they feel led on at times. She got angry and then she blocked me for a time.
Now she then unblocked me about a week later and then well after this I was trying to create even more distance and separation to be just friends with her because I knew she wasn’t emotionally safe anymore unfortunately like she used to. I couldn’t even be close friends with her or bring up deeper issues without fearing she’ll block me again. And so she started doing manipulation tactics on me to be reeled into being attached to her, without her committing to me WHILE shes dating M. Like she would try to And in 1 final attempt she tried saying I think this might be our final goodbye because the memories hurt us both when we talk and you’ve been a great friend to me, as if I can be reeled to be attached to her. But I said lets talk more in the future as friends after a long while and after we’ve healed.
So thats my whole story. I still love her and I have many dreams and hopes for her that I hope can be fulfilled if she comes to Australia. But I’m still trying to let go of holding onto that hope and trying to trust God.
Its gotten to the point where I can’t even function in everyday life and I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m always tired now and I can’t even get out of bed and I listen to sad music alot. I’m falling behind university work because I get so stressed about losing her and I constantly check up on her social media page. I keep scrolling through our text history and looking at photos I took in the video games. I play the video games we used to play a lot. I’m losing my fire for God, like I don’t read my Bible or pray the Rosary as much as I used to.
So the grief of losing her is hitting me hard and I need some support for the inner wounds I’m experiencing, if that is okay. Thank you.
Hi Scott, thank you for reaching out – what you have related is very tragic event. Loss of someone so close is hard enough, but when the answers we need to provide understanding are not there, this only compounds the grief. So everything you are feeling is completely normal for what you have experienced. It is also very common for us to feel we need to stay completely in control of the normal routines of life – you described your responsibilities as a senior manager and a desire to keep disruption out of your family life.
The fact that you have reached out on this forum is good sign you are actively looking for the support you need, because trying to maintain normal routines and grieving can be very difficult to do longer term if you don’t have those supports. I have been in a position of being a senior manager during a time of grief – and sometimes you can be surprised to discover that a supported work team are more than willing to support you in return by stepping up to do what needs to be done. I have been fortunate to have my reports give me back bandwidth to do the processing and grieving I have needed to do.
It is encouraging to hear that you and your sister are supporting each other through the necessary tasks, and it sounds like you both have a clear idea about remembering and celebrating your brother & father with a meaningful connection. I can only encourage you to have a perusal of the support information on the Griefline website and perhaps consider whether being able to talk someone might also benefit during this process – there is a closed group bereavement support service that might be of interest.
Please try to be gentle on yourself at this time.
Hi everyone and thank you for listening to me. In January this year, my brother passed aeay st the age of 47. He was a fit and healthy guy and played a lot of tennis. I came back from overseas on Boxing Day and spoke to my brother for an hour and he was in great spirits and looking forward to 2 weeks off work and seeing my twins in February.
I tried to call Justin a couple of days after Boxing Day and the phone rang out. I also sent him texts each day and didn’t get any response. I didn’t worry too much as I knew he had 2 weeks of leave and was a single guy so thought perhaps he might have gone away. On the 11th January 2025, I started to become really worried and called police for a welfare check. That afternoon I got the worst news of my life when police came over and said Justin was deceased in his bed. They also advised there was no forced entry or anything suspicious and it appeared he had died of natural causes.
I flew straight down from Brisbane and my sister and I arranged Justin’s funeral and had to give DNA for identification as the heat had caused body changes. We were in shock and distraught to know our beloved brother passed away in such circumstances and on his own. Our Dad had only passed away 5 months earlier and Justin had been by his side every weekend for the past couple of years as he was in a nursing home. Justin was also there holding my Mums hand when she died in 2011.
Late last week I received the medical report from the coroner and it stated that the cause of death is unascertained which makes it so hard to understand. The report also mentioned that due to Autolysis and body changes it was difficult to ascertain a cause of death.
I am in a senior management role and put on a wall to ensure my team are supported and my job gets done but I feel totally broken. I have 6 year old twins and a loving wife and I don’t want their quality of life to be impacted because their dad and husband is always sad.
I am finding it tough to feel happy about anything and am full of guilt that my brother died alone. There was only 14 months between us and he was my best friend. It feels like the light has gone out in my soul. We still have to go through his house and work out what to do with his clothes,possessions etc which is going to take a few months. We will be interring Justin and Dads ashes at the end of the month and I’d like to be happy to make it a celebration of their lives.
Thank you everyone for listening to me. I really appreciate it.
I lost my husband in January this year and after the funeral just as we were walking in to his wake my mother collapsed and couldn’t be saved. I lost 2 of the most important people to me in the space of 10 days. My father passed less than 2 years ago and I have been dealing with that and helping my mum, but I have never felt pain like this. My husband was my person, we were only married 7 years but we loved each other in a way I have never experienced. I feel angry with him for leaving me, but just really miss him so much, and the one person I would go to for support in my mum, has also gone. So hard to keep getting one foot in front of the other sometimes.
