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When a friend dies, their family left me

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Home Forums Loss of a loved one When a friend dies, their family left me

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  • #26924
    lisaedwards
    Participant

    This may sound selfish. It’s not. It’s my experience.
    A dear friend passed away years ago. I was very understanding allowing space and gently staying in contact via phone, a visit once or twice a year, birthday and Christmas acknowledgment and offering to catch up for dinners in which they never took me up on. I suspected they didn’t have the capacity mentally.
    As time went on I realised that although I had held the space for them, they never considered that the death of a friend brings a complete disconnect. It leaves a hole that nothing can fill and they have each other which can bring warmth yet my chapter ended. They can share those memories yet I have only myself to cuddle and share them with. It’s an unusual experience, not one I expected. Sometimes the little people in the persons life are struggling too yet it’s not always seen or perhaps considered.
    I would love them to connect with me but they didn’t and I was very close to their loved one. I knew so much about her life that I wonder if they knew some of the things I knew…. There’s a hole left. They embrace each other. I’m glad they do. I don’t think they understand that although it’s their family member others grieve too and connection really helps. I can’t force connection. I’ve accepted that it’s a choice and maybe I bring memories to them that they don’t want. I’ll never know

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  • #26925
    VM-Brian19
    Participant

    I’m so sorry for your loss @lisaedwards, losing a friend is incredibly tough and it sounds like you shared a strong and invaluable connection with each other. Isn’t it strange how grief is something that we will all experience, and yet we will all find different ways that allow us to move with and through the feelings of it? It sounds like you have good insight into your own experience and that of your friend’s family, and it can be hard when the feelings we are experiencing do not align with those of others experiencing the same loss. Be kind to yourself and know that there are no wrong feelings or responses to loss.

    #26926
    VM-bluesky
    Participant

    Hi @lisaedwards,
    Yes a loss can change the dynamics in relationships, and their response is out of your control. You can only manage what is within your control. Perhaps take some time to check out the Griefline website Resources, in particular articles like https://griefline.org.au/resources/experiences-of-grief/, and consider calling the Helpline 1300 845 745 to talk it through with one of the trained volunteers.

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