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My father took his life a few weeks ago. I cant talk about it with anyone without bursting into tears yet i cant mourn his death the same way i did with gran. Tears start but then stops. His funeral was on friday. i am confused about what i m feeling.
i havent seen my dad in a year, even though we live on the same street. Due to covid, due to him not wanting to be very involved in my life, due to me wanting to keep my distance from mum. He never saw my 8 month old, even though mum has. i think he may have become depressed.
No one in my relatives offered me any condolences, no hugs & no greetings. They behave like they hate me. i have a cousin who told the police that she was closest to dad, that she was the 2nd daughter. Family talked mum into staying with her instead of me. On the day of the funeral i only found out when i called her that she left my mum at her home because mum didnt want to go. i went over there, had a chat with mum, who decided on her own that she wanted to go & when we got there that same cousin took my mum in to see dad in the coffin while i was talking to the celebrant. Something that i wouldve liked to have done together.
The same cousin wanted to say a prayer at dads funeral although he was a atheist but ended up singing 2 songs & quoting off the bible.
i m afraid of becoming depressed because i have 2 young kids. Then i ve got a husband that just leaves me with the kids 24/7, didnt pickup on housework, talks negatively of my family. I m afraid of long term effects of this death yet i cant get my grief to come out. i dont know what to do.
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