Sudden death of my dad, 3 months on

[section31]

Hello,
I was recommended this site from someone and I found this has a forum.
My dad passed away suddenly in November last year, cardiac arrest. I can only do so much for my family, my older brothers seem to have done most of the heavy lifting in terms of helping my mum through this. I wish I did more, add that to the regret list. It’s been 3 months since his passing and I feel everything is just collapsing in on me. I was always the one person that all of other peoples problems were heard, now I feel I have no help. Yesterday hit me very hard, breaking down to my mum on the phone. This is supposed to help talking to someone, but I feel worse. Anytime I had a problem and tried explaining it, it only got worse. School, work, most of my life it seems. I can’t talk to my mates about it, because I don’t want to be a burden, the initial stage of them being there helped me alot when it happened.
I have never had such low self esteem in my life, I have no drive. The pain is constant, I know one day I will snap and people will be hurt. Excuse me if I’m rambling but I am all over the place with this.

I miss him. Dad was a rare breed of man, logical, reasonable, always looked at the details before making decisions. He had great taste in entertainment, someone my mother, my brothers and I got from him.

The pain is still here, if it’s supposed to get better, why not now? Just as things were easing off, something else has come along to screw my family and I over.

All I want to know is this, when do things get better? What are the signs?

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Topic

[VM-The Old Oak Tree]

Hi Section 31,

I’m very sorry to hear that you’ve lost your father. I can see that you are really suffering right now from what you have posted. Please rest assured that what you are feeling as you grieve is perfectly normal. It is also normal to feel like you aren’t making progress as you grieve. But this is all part of your journey and it’s important to remember that 3 months on since your father died is still very early on in your grief journey. In terms of when you will feel better, the answer is that it’s different for everyone. However, with time, and as you allow yourself to grieve, you will hopefully start to return to an emotional pattern which is closer to normal for you, and you will feel better than you do right now.

From what you have described it might be helpful for you to see a grief counsellor. We have a list of grief counsellors within our website. https://griefline.org.au/get-help/find-a-grief-counsellor/

Also, you are welcome to call our caring Helpline on 1300 845 745 between the hours of 8am to 8pm (AEST), 7 days per week to speak with one of our caring Volunteers about your grief.

Also, if at anytime you feel you are in a crisis, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14. If you are faced with an emergency regarding your own safety or someone else’s safety, please call 000.

Thank you for posting and please feel free to continue to engage with our forum. We are here for you

• This reply was modified 1 month, 4 weeks ago by VM-The Old Oak Tree.
• This reply was modified 1 month, 4 weeks ago by VM-The Old Oak Tree.

[VM-bluesky]

Hi section31,

You seem insightful and are searching for answers, so good on you for taking the positive and brave step of posting on this forum.

You may find some of your answers in the Griefline Resources at https://griefline.org.au/resources/. I also endorse VM-TheOldOakTree’s suggestions.

Perhaps the “always looked at the details before making decisions” part of your dad is living on in you, and your search for understanding is a continuing bond with him that honours his life. All the best in your journey of discovery and please keep us updated on your progress.

[VM-rose]

Hello @section31, I am deeply sorry for your loss. Your father sounded like an amazing man. As mentioned by @VM-The Old Oak Tree, the way you are feeling is completely natural and it’s important to remember that you are in the early stages of your grieving process. Grief is a personal and unique experience for every individual and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. As mentioned by @VM-bluesky, Griefline has some very insightful articles regarding grief and loss: https://griefline.org.au/resources. Some articles that would be helpful include: https://griefline.org.au/resources/relationship-loss and https://griefline.org.au/resources/coping-with-loss. Life will get better in its own time and some signs that things are getting better include, expressing the experience of your grief, asking for help, accepting help and support, and celebrating the beautiful memories that will always be with you. Perhaps you could try speaking to your father and continuing that connection. You could also try writing letters to your father. This is a great way to express yourself and release your emotions. You can also continue to connect with others by using the Griefline forum. It’s so important during this incredibly difficult time to connect with others who are going through grief and loss. Thank you for sharing your experience and take care.

[section31]

Hi again,
First of all, thank you too the replies and suggestions that are being provided. I’m sure these will be useful resources.

I thought I will check in to give an update.

I feel I’ve had a turn for the worse mentally, little energy, little to no ambition to interact with those close to me. I just feel empty.

Somewhat getting by with memories about him, it gives relief in my darker days. A long journey to go I feel.

[VM-Tzimisce]

Thank you for updating us, section31, on how you are feeling. I commend you for coming back during this dark time and seeking support from us and other forum participants. That shows great courage and resilience.

It is a sad fact of life that grief is not a linear process. I like to use the analogy of a ball in a box. Imagine that you are a box. Your grief is a ball. Right now, every time that box (you) is moved the ball (your grief) hits the walls and it hurts. Even now. Even 5 months later. But very, very slowly the box grows around the ball. It goes from being in pain every hour to every other hour. And then it’s every day to every other day. Eventually, we have grown so much around our grief that most things don’t cause the ball to go bouncing off the walls. But that doesn’t mean it won’t still happen.

Right now, your grief ball is very big. Give yourself time and compassion like you have been giving your family. And keep reaching out. We’re here to help you. On really bad days – and on your good days too – you can call us here at Griefline on 1300 845 745 between the hours of 8 am to 8 pm AEDT (and AEST outside of daylight savings time). No issue is too small. No reason is too silly or too insignificant. We want to help you on this journey. You do not need to do this alone.

[VM-stitch]

Hi section31, 

In times of sorrow, we often forget ourselves and just let it consume us. But we all have the courage within us to leave the sorrow behind by focusing on our most basic needs: eating, sleeping, resting, and exercising. Gradually reconnect with these routines, one step at a time, until they become a source of comfort again. At Griefline, we find the E.A.S.T. approach (https://griefline.org.au/resources/east-self-care-guide/) works for many individuals who are going through grief.
 
Perhaps this video can shed some light and ease the sorrow. https://www.google.com/search?q=the+school+of+life+grief&rlz=1C1GCEU_enAU1007AU1007&oq=the+school+of+life+grie&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUqDAgAECMYJxiABBiKBTIMCAAQIxgnGIAEGIoFMgYIARBFGDmoAgCwAgA&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8#vhid=gx5h-uWkvrO48M&vssid=videos-c951abfe

Take care of yourself section 31. 

[VM-Pezza84]

Hi section31, I hope you’ve been able to use some of the suggestions made by the other participants. What struck me in your update is that you seem to be feeling worse and a bit numb and empty. And you said earlier that you always have trouble when you try to explain your problems or feelings to others. Exploring and expressing the feelings we have when grieving can be very painful, but these feelings are actually trying to help us to heal and to adapt to our huge loss. I really hope you will find an experienced grief counsellor who can be there as guide on this difficult journey that you are on. I think it could make a huge difference for you. Please take care and no that this forum and the Helpline are always here for you.

[VM Empathy24]

Hi Section 31, I have been reading all the suggestions given to you, to help you cope during this difficult time.
I lost both my parents in a car accident, I was in Australia and they were in Africa in Zimbabwe. The empty feeling and
disbelief were terrible. You hear reports and watch programs on death but as humans, we always think it will not happen
to us. It takes a long time to get over, but you will always have their memories to reflect on. I did not know you could get help with
the grieving process. I had a very supportive family and friends, which helped. Even though this happened over 10 years ago now, I have never let my memories
of my parents fade and I treasure the special memories. Even now I can hear a song, which reminds me of them and I still get emotional.
I wish you well on your journey through the grieving process, we all grief in different ways. Unfortunately, many people do not understand
this process and expect you to get over it before you are ready. Just take it a day at a time and ensure you are looking after yourself, it
should get better.

[Author]

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