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I’m Rose. I’m struggling with the loss of my 23year old son. Natty passed away nearly 4 months ago.
Nattys health wasn’t great, in and out of hospital all his life. Natty is disabled and tube feed, is so amazing at communicating how he felt. Natty had such a love for life and for people, always making those around him laugh and no matter what life threw at him, he would just shrug it off and get on with life.
I have taken care of him all his 23 years, we were a team, I always had his back. Honestly I’ve so loved caring for my son, he gave back in love. Natty had to have a huge operation last year, large bowel taken out cause he had server ulcerative colitis and got a stoma bag at the same time. We’re suppose to be in ICU for 2 nights and 1 week on the ward. We ended up in ICU for 17 nights, as he had so many set backs, and fought hard. We ended up in hospital for 2 months. I never left his side. I never left his room. We both had a part to play. Natty would fight and I be there with him too encourage him and let him know. That was our deal. I go home when Natty goes home. I’m here with him he’s going to be ok. After hospital Natty was back, up to mischief. A month after we were home at his day program Natty got Covid. In ICU for 2 weeks. I stayed by his side as we have always done. Natty fought for his life. Natty pulled through. We went home under palliative care.
Natty was with us for nearly 9 months. I have 2 other sons 29 and 26. Nattys loss is so devastating. I have never felt so lost and lonely I feel so empty and don’t know who I am anymore.
I feel like I have to start my life all over again. I’m 55 years old and I don’t know where my life is going and how to do it.
My other sons are having to take care of me, as I’m always breaking down and howling and it’s worst at night in bed. It’s been nearly 4 months and I still cry myself to sleep every night. I did get myself in a bit of routine but! Im just not motivated to do anything.
I love talking about Natty and looking at videos and pictures. My heart aches for him, I simply just miss him.
I get so overwhelmed with grief, sometimes I can’t seem to get out of it for a few days. I never know when it hits.
Im seeing a psychologist and have had counseling. Im on a waiting list for grief counseling and one to one.
Sometimes the grief is so bad, I feel like im drowning in sorrow. I know Natty wouldn’t want me feeling that way. I just don’t know how to control it all? Natty was Brave and fearless and strong, courageous and so loved life. Truly my hero my heart. I feel I’m weak and letting him down by not being strong.
I don’t understand grief, what’s right what is wrong. But I’m willing to learn and reach out . I want to be like Natty my son who has taught me so much about life.
Thank you for listening.
Came home and
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