So lost and overwhelmed over the passing of my beautiful 23year old son

[rosie23]

Hi,

I’m Rose. I’m struggling with the loss of my 23year old son. Natty passed away nearly 4 months ago.
Nattys health wasn’t great, in and out of hospital all his life. Natty is disabled and tube feed, is so amazing at communicating how he felt. Natty had such a love for life and for people, always making those around him laugh and no matter what life threw at him, he would just shrug it off and get on with life.
I have taken care of him all his 23 years, we were a team, I always had his back. Honestly I’ve so loved caring for my son, he gave back in love. Natty had to have a huge operation last year, large bowel taken out cause he had server ulcerative colitis and got a stoma bag at the same time. We’re suppose to be in ICU for 2 nights and 1 week on the ward. We ended up in ICU for 17 nights, as he had so many set backs, and fought hard. We ended up in hospital for 2 months. I never left his side. I never left his room. We both had a part to play. Natty would fight and I be there with him too encourage him and let him know. That was our deal. I go home when Natty goes home. I’m here with him he’s going to be ok. After hospital Natty was back, up to mischief. A month after we were home at his day program Natty got Covid. In ICU for 2 weeks. I stayed by his side as we have always done. Natty fought for his life. Natty pulled through. We went home under palliative care.
Natty was with us for nearly 9 months. I have 2 other sons 29 and 26. Nattys loss is so devastating. I have never felt so lost and lonely I feel so empty and don’t know who I am anymore.
I feel like I have to start my life all over again. I’m 55 years old and I don’t know where my life is going and how to do it.
My other sons are having to take care of me, as I’m always breaking down and howling and it’s worst at night in bed. It’s been nearly 4 months and I still cry myself to sleep every night. I did get myself in a bit of routine but! Im just not motivated to do anything.
I love talking about Natty and looking at videos and pictures. My heart aches for him, I simply just miss him.
I get so overwhelmed with grief, sometimes I can’t seem to get out of it for a few days. I never know when it hits.
Im seeing a psychologist and have had counseling. Im on a waiting list for grief counseling and one to one.
Sometimes the grief is so bad, I feel like im drowning in sorrow. I know Natty wouldn’t want me feeling that way. I just don’t know how to control it all? Natty was Brave and fearless and strong, courageous and so loved life. Truly my hero my heart. I feel I’m weak and letting him down by not being strong.
I don’t understand grief, what’s right what is wrong. But I’m willing to learn and reach out . I want to be like Natty my son who has taught me so much about life.
Thank you for listening.
Rose
Came home and

Topic

[VM-RedCat24]

Dear Rosie, Moon and Lejla,

I can’t imagine the overwhelming pain you must all be going through. I am so glad that you have all been able to reach out and share memories and experiences of your boys, Natty and Jeremy and, Lejla, your younger brother.

Lejla, it sounds like you have been such a wonderful support for your parents. You have explained your personal reflections on grief in such a beautiful way and I hope you will be proud in the fact that this will be helpful and resonate with many others going through loss. Please know that if you ever feel you need some support, we are here to listen, on the forums or the helpline (1300 845 745).

I would like reiterate the sentiment from Lejla in giving yourself “grace, love and kindness” – every person experiences grief differently and as a community we are here to listen.

[lejla]

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Natty.
Just over a year ago we lost my younger brother very suddenly, at 26 years old. I had to break the news to my parents and I can honestly say that parents who’ve lost a child are experiencing the highest form of pain a human being could endure.
It has been 4 months for you, 4 months of having to live with this new unimaginable reality. You should be incredibly proud of making it through each day. I am so proud of my parents, even when they’ve done nothing significant, they have woken to see another day for us.
I know my brother and your son are watching over us proud of our strength and resilience. All you can do is give yourself so much grace, love and kindness in this time. Take each minute as it comes, ride all the waves of emotion. Sometimes minute by minute is all you can do and that’s ok. With more time those waves will come on slightly further apart, giving you time to breathe.
Sending you so much love in this hard time.

[VS_Luna]

Dear Rose,

I personally can’t imagine what can be worse than loos of a child. With my personal journey I’m here with you in this grief. I’m deeply sorry for the loss of your beloved son Natty. No other living children can replace or ease the pain of your loss.

I can clearly see that you’ve been an amazing mum for Natty for all there 23 years and I guess the loss of the role of mum for Natty, a main caregiver, a friend making you feel lost and owerwhelmet. Please feel free to share more here, and we are as community here to support you. Always.

[Moon]

Hi Rosie, how’s your day going, I’ve been up since 5am, don’t know how to spend the rest of the day, especially with yet another broken foot.
I always wake in the early hours, memories fill my mind, but they’ve become more familiar, if you know what I mean.
When I first contacted griefline I wanted to connect with other parents, I’d had support previously through Redkite, who supports families with cancer, and my children always had Canteen and the leukeamia foundation, for which we raised thousands, but feel very lonely now. My son also had a difficult diagnosis ,just happened to get the most rare form of t-cell acute , did all the clinicial trials, bone marrow and lung transplants, 10 years beside his hospital bed, playing uno, or other card games the nurses taught us. I miss that xxx

[rosie23]

Hi moon, hope your doing ok? I had to look it up as I have never heard of that organisation unfortunately.
My sweet Natty had a extremely rare gene, diagnosed through Genetics called ZSWIM6. Natty passed away from it. Still so new, they are still learning about it. Natty was the only one in Australia and first diagnosed, had a paper written on him and a few others was published in America. now there are 10 in the world we know off. Took 3 years to have that diagnoses but! Am grateful as there are many who don’t even know what is wrong with them.
Your cat sounds lovely. My Zelda (cat) she is black and white a real princess. My Jimmy my turtle just love him to pieces.
Always thinking of you. Take care.
Rose

[Moon]

Salut, hiya, thinking of you… was National Bandanna Day recently which my kids were amajor part of. You asked me about my pets, I have one ginger cat that looks like the cat in movie a “street cat named bob” , I also love the soundtrack, satellites sounds like one of my many poems xxxxx

[vmremember]

Hello Moon and Rosie, The immense pain and struggle that you are both experiencing at the moment can be felt through the supportive exchanges that you both are sharing with each other. I wanted to check in and see if you have reached out to a bereavement counsellor or to other services to support you during this challenging grieving period. Please remember you do not have to travel this journey by yourselves. Griefline book call and our get help (counsellor) services are there to support you during this time. As you may be aware there are also other resources that may help you. Continue to reach out for support and care, Griefline is here for you.

[rosie23]

Hi Moon, I’m having trouble too xx

[Moon]

Hi Rosie have spent hours replying to you and my posts don’t get through sorry

[Moon]

can’t reply to you ?

[Author]

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