Shattered and traumatised!

[sammi]

I lost my beautiful little chihuahua Goldie who was my heart dog 5 days ago. It was so sudden and unexpected. She’d been to the vet that morning and was okay, she had a heart issue but was controlled with medication, just her breathing was faster in the afternoons. The vet took bloodwork for full analysis and gave me a little cup to collect her urine for testing. When we got home I gave her lunch and took her out to do her wee and collected it, with the intention of taking it straight back to the vet. I called her to put her harness on her the car ride back, she loved car and I heard heavy breathing and groaning, she was shaking. I sped off back to the vet, her tongue turned purple and she started groaning again, her breathing was so fast and I knew she was in serious trouble. She was put on oxygen and life support, there was so much blood in her lungs that they had to empty on the floor. They said they couldn’t remove the tube or her lungs would fill up again, so I couldn’t even transfer her to emergency. She had broken a major chordae tendinae which is rare. I had to make the devastating decision to end her life, she didn’t even seem there. I asked the vet could she hear me? She didn’t know. I put my hands on her and whispered to her I love her and she’s my heart, that someday we will be together again. The centre of my chest was in pain, I don’t know how I drove home. That night I had a shower and realised I had her blood on my shirt sleeve. I went to bed and was shaking uncontrollably, every time I closed my eyes and tried to sleep I would be back in that room watching her suffer with all that blood on the floor. My doctor has given me Valium. I have barely been able to eat.
She was my whole world. My day revolved around her, her medication, her supplements and treatments. I would home cook her food, recipes formulated especially for her by a nutritionist. Appointments with an integrative vet, regular vet and cardiologist. She was my assistance dog as well, I suffer from horrible migraines that prevent me from working and she always knew when I was feeling sick and would rest her head on my neck.
I lost my dad 4 years ago to cancer, he was 91. I lost my sister 20 years ago, she took her own life. This pain and grief is worse, I don’t know how I can go on. I’m 53, but suffering a lot of physical pain as well, I also have arthritis in my neck, hip and those dreaded migraines. Now without my girl to cheer me up and give me purpose, I feel worthless.
Why my girl? Such an innocent and loving little angel, only aged 10 and such a rare event that major chordae.

Topic

[vmestia]

Dear @Sammi,

I’m so sorry for your many family and mental/physical health losses — and the most recent, astounding trauma of needing to end Goldie’s life for her… I imagine she didn’t have long left, but you saved her from a few more minutes of drowning, confused and losing consciousness. As a kid, our rabbit hurt his back and our family was there when the vet put him down. There’s something about feeling the loss of a life that’s almost out of this world, or at least, not part of normal everyday society (anymore). I also relate to a sense of shock, disbelief and “omg does not, CANNOT compute” as to WHY or HOW… and just being lost. Beyond ‘feeling’ lost.

You had the most amazing relationship with her, and her with you. She helped you with so much pain, knew exactly what to do, and when to help you. Unconditionally. Barely a week has passed… I want to validate that you’ve managed to make it through such a void without the mutual care routine you both shared. You were so, so close. She was your chosen angel, too briefly on Earth with you. I read and accept that you feel worthless, however I remember the times that I’ve rested my head on someone I cared about. They were my world. They were my world, too, and in honour of Goldie I feel compelled to acknowledge her love of you. Because that’s just what love is, whether we accept or deny it, it’s there. Near and far. To the moon and back. More than the grains of sand in the world. More than the all stars in the sky. Such a truly deep, precious love is never a one-way street.

Witnessing your absolute devastation and pain… trying my best to hold you gently, respectfully, reverently… and just be with you. Thank you for reaching out through Griefline’s forum. All our volunteers and participants are purposefully here to be human and humane with each other. Many have learned a lot from our own pets.

If it can help to move into ‘thinking space’, here is an article from Griefline’s resources:

Losing a Pet

Warm regards,
vmestia

[vmzef]

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved chihuahua, Goldie. Losing a pet, especially one who has been a constant companion and source of support, is incredibly difficult and painful. It’s natural to feel a deep sense of grief and loss, as your pet became a significant part of your life.

It’s important to allow yourself time to grieve and process your feelings. Grieving is a unique and personal experience, and there is no right or wrong way to go through it. It’s important to remember that you gave Goldie a wonderful life filled with love and care. You did everything you could to provide her with the best possible life, and that is truly special.

You might find it helpful to consider using telephone support in Greifline. Sharing your emotions and memories of Goldie with others can be a source of comfort and support. You might also consider joining support groups in Griefline, where you can connect with others who have experienced similar losses and can understand what you’re going through.

[sydney]

@sammi
So so sorry for the sudden loss of your beautiful little Goldie
It must have been so frightening for you and then having to make the decision to end her life is so traumatic.
It was my beautiful darling girls 15th birthday on the 23rd February and she wasn’t herself that day, I slept in the floor with her that night and we went to our vet the next morning. I was thinking we were just going for a check up and we would come home but I was never able to bring her home as she was on drips for kidney failure.
I had to make the decision too and it took me a whole week to find the strength to do it and it killed me. I just wanted to die with her and go with her to keep her safe so we could be together, my heart is shattered and will never be the same.
It then took me 2 weeks to find a way of making the decision with what to do with my beautiful baby girl
I did a viewing and now I feel so traumatised from seeing her even though she looked so beautiful like a little angel baby sleeping. I had to see her and kiss her and tell her how much I loved and adored her, I would have felt so guilty if I let her go alone
I just wish I died with her that day, it is too painful to think she does not exist anymore
I went through divorce and she was there for me to support me and love me when no one else did
I don’t even remember how I drove home that night after I left the vets
I understand completely how you are feeling as I lost my beautiful girl, 15 year old Golden Retriever nearly 8 weeks ago
Not everyone understands the loss of our beautiful angels
A friend said to me she was just a dog, first of all she was my child and I loved and adored her more than some people love their own children. I will Never talk to this friend again or forgive her for what she said
It is totally devastating and I am so heartbroken, she was so beautiful and such an Angel, she was my Princess too
I cannot handle this unbearable pain and grief of my beautiful angel not being here with me
I have lost 3 family members as well and have never felt this pain and grief I am feeling losing my beautiful girl
I am not sleeping, i have aches and pains from this grief and I cannot understand how my life can go on
I cannot accept she has left me, it is too painful to think about her not being here
I am unable to live in my house because I expect to see her sitting on her bed or choosing a toy from her toy basket.
She always sat at my feet and kept me company now I am alone and have no one.
She was the most beautiful thing in the world and I would give my life if I could have her back
I have no purpose to live without her, how do we go on without our loves
I cannot look at her photos because I just need her back so desperately.
I was so angry yesterday that she was taken from me, I was crying uncontrollably and was alone, all I wanted was my beautiful baby to be with me
Why does this have to be this way
I am scared that I will never accept that she has left me
My Doctor gave me Valium as well for the first 3 weeks and I am now on anti depressants, which I am hoping will help me because I have nothing to live for
I am lonely and will never be able to love another because I cannot go through this excruciating pain and heartache again
I am here if you would like to chat anytime
Take care, big hugs xxoo

[VM-Luna]

Hello @Sammi,

I hear your pain, grief and feelings of guilt in your writing and your longing for your girl to be with you. It sounds like you were the best puppy Mumma to your little Goldie, and that your love was reciprocated. The grief of a fur baby brings forth the remembrance of all the grief you have felt over your lifetime, so no wonder it feels overwhelming and so alone. Those who do not have the same experience as you in the love you have for Goldie, will never be able to empathise with your grief, they may be compassionate but not fully understand. The grief surrounding the loss of a much-loved fur family is uncomplicated and different from the loss of your human family, with fur family the love is full and reciprocated without expectation, judgment, or fear, and with human family it is much more complicated. That is why sometimes grief is expressed so fully with fur family, and we can revisit old grief, which compounds our current grief. Added to your grief of Goldie passing, there is also your grief at needing to make the best decision for her, letting her go and ending the pain she was in, that takes a lot of strength and guts to have made the best choice for her, even though it was the hardest for you. Please be gentle with yourself, reach out to us here at Griefline if you want to talk and need support, we are here for you.

[VM-Luna]

Hello @Sydney,
It is clear that you are overwhelmed by the grief for your beautiful girl, and that the pain you are experiencing is consuming and affecting your health and well-being. Grief does feel lonely and isolating, especially if we don’t feel that anyone understands what we are feeling. Grieving can bring to the forefront old grief, and we can experience a complex grief pattern. Please speak with your doctor regarding seeking some help with a therapist for your grief, and also we are here to listen and talk, our contact number is 1300 845 745. @VMMestia above has also listed a resource from our website that may be of assistance to you. Wishing you well.

[Author]

Replies