My worst nightmare. Please help.

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  • #35977
    fan86
    Participant

    Leddy was my partner’s dog. We connected on the first day I met her 2.5 years , since our bond kept on getting stronger. The fact that I am 38yo, have no children and no family in Australia (I’m originally from France) made me consider Leddy like my daughter. And she trusted me to care for her. My partner loved her like his own daughter too. He has gone through a lot in the past 6 years and she was his emotional support. He is on the spectrum (mild) and has adhd. But he manages his condition very well, thanks in part to his beautiful dog. Those 2 were my rock here in Australia. The mistake he made is to not get her dessexed. He wanted her to have puppies. American Staffy Pitbull female are known to develop issues if they have multiple heats. She also had 3 phantom pregnancies. I wanted to get her dessexed but it wasn’t my dog. I should have insisted and I regret it so much. Her last heat happened a month and a half ago. Towards the end (around 2.5 weeks ago) we noticed her behaviour was different and some white/yellow discharge. We looked it up those we signs of Pyometra (uterus infection). Work has been tough for him lately and he was putting off taking her to the vet. Waiting for tomorrow see see if she gets better. And stupid me didn’t push him. I transferred $100 to help him pay for the consultation. By the end of the week he said she was better and he still didn’t take her. I was so upset that I didn’t go to see him that weekend. Come Christmas Eve he tell em she isn’t well. I come straight away and call emergence vet.she gets an US and was diagnosed with open pyometra. The vet gave her antibiotics and painkillers, and asked us to find a place for her surgery in the next 2 weeks. She got a bit better, but my intuition was telling me to do surgery asap. Now comes the guilt. It’s his dog and didn’t want to accept any money. We needed to find a place we could pay overtime. After calling a few vets, I found Lort Smith in Melbourne on Friday last week. Explaining the situation, they told me to take her today 4pm for surgery. I called him (we don’t live together and I was home working) but he said no, not today. I said okay but I’m taking her for a vet consult there tomorrow (last Saturday). He was working so he couldn’t come. I took my beautiful girl to the hospital. The vet I saw was quite concerned and wanted to operate on the day. Leddy looked a bit better on Saturday(probably the medications). I feel so guilty. I should have made the decision for him and do it that day. The vet insisted. It’s not my dog so of course I call him and he said to do it Monday because it’s a bit cheaper. I’m so angry at him and at myself for listening to him despite that strong feeling in my guts. I took her home. She seemed okay. I went home and didn’t come back til Sunday due to other stupid things to do that I now regret. I should have been with her the whole day Sunday. I only arrived at 8.45pm to find her exhausted, sad and in pain. She didn’t eat. She was showing all the signs of a dying dog. A dog that wouldn’t make it through the night. Her surgery was booked for 8am Monday. Scared of his reactions l, I didn’t even mention taking her to the emergency for the 3rd time this week. He would have said no. But I should have listened to my guts and taken her against his will. I’m so passed off at myself for being so stupid. He woke me up at 5.45am in panic, she died in her sleep. We are both heartbroken. She only had us to take care of her but we failed her. Why didn’t I pay for her surgery with all my savings? Why did I listen to him? I wanted to stay with her that night because deep down in my guts, I knew something was wrong but we were so close to her surgery I think I buried this gut feeling. But now that I think about it she had the behaviour of a dying dog. Distant and scared. How didn’t I see it? I feel responsible for her death. I don’t know how I can live with that. Any help is much appreciated. Love. Fan

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  • #36381
    abc01
    Participant

    Dear fan86,

    I am incredibly sorry for the loss of your beautiful Leddy.
    Hindsight is so cruel. Often as humans, we don’t like conflict and sit in discomfort to avoid it. An unfortunate lesson you now will have learnt and won’t let happen again. I empathise with you on having an animal around you that you are close too, but can’t have owner privileges of. All you can do is sit and wait, and hope for the best.

    I understand guilt. I lost my soul cat in May last year and still struggle with it. The what if questions still manifest in my daily life. Wishing that it is all a mistake and a bad dream. And I have hate in my heart that has been building for months at someone so close to me. I can’t help it, I don’t want it to happen. But unfortunately it has. Because I am angry. Which is apart of grief.

    So now I see mental health professionals to talk it all out. They say I have complicated grief. Prolonged grief that interrupts my daily life. You did your best. But those words may not help or believe them.

    I started journaling. I have never been one for it. So I started with bullet pointing. And now I can write full pages. I mention this because it has helped me identify repetitive thoughts that I seem to be stuck on in my grief. And then I can share them with others and help talk them out. I sincerely hope you can find supportive people who you can talk to and through your pain and grief. If you can’t, connecting with your GP can be a resource to mental health professionals.

    Your loss is great and it is hard. So please take care of yourself and know you are not alone. Their whole lives are not how they passed away. But for a while it may be all we can focus on. And that is okay too. Love will eventually shine through. And you loved Leddy well.

    ABC01

    #36068
    tillysmum
    Participant

    so hard for you, the vet probably couldn’t have gone ahead with the surgery without your partner’s permission as the registered owner. You loved Leddy and this will stay with you but try not to feel responsible. Pyometra isn’t well known, I only know about it as my 11 year old rescue Ginny came on heat and I was advised to have her desexed to avoid this.

    #35995
    VM-stel18
    Participant

    Hi @fan86. I really feel for you as I can hear the pain you are in as you grieve the loss of Leddy. It is simply so so sad to lose someone so close. It sounds like your emotional responses are all normal in the context of grief, including guilt which is common after losing a loved one. But please try to be kinder to yourself and acknowledge that it was very hard for you and your partner to know what to do and you had to consider a number of factors at each stage of Leddy’s illness. It seems like you did your best and tried to help Leddy and that she was a very loved pet and daughter for you both. I agree with VM-Serenity66 that you need to acknowledge that love and try to focus on the wonderful life you provided for Leddy. But again, it is normal to feel the sadness and guilt and whatever other emotions come up for you at this difficult time and as your process your loss. It is good that you have reached out to the Griefline community. As @VM-Serenity66 mentioned, it can be really useful to talk with people who know about grief, so please consider calling Griefline’s Helpline on 1300 845 745. Take care of yourself and be very patient with yourself and your partner. Maybe look together at some of the information about grief on the Griefline website at https://griefline.org.au/resources.

    #35990
    VM-Serenity66
    Participant

    Dear @fan86,

    First, I would like to acknowledge the depth of your loss. It’s clear from your message that Leddy wasn’t just a dog, but a cherished family member, and her passing has left a painful void in your heart.
    Reading your story, it’s clear that you loved Leddy deeply, and your intentions were always for her well-being. Guilt and self-criticism often come up when we’re faced with a devastating loss. Please remember that you were doing what you believed was right at the time, based on the information and circumstances you were given. You were juggling multiple concerns and trying to respect the decisions of others involved.
    I can hear the regret and frustration in your words. The “what-ifs” can be torturous, but it’s important to remember that hindsight can be cruel. We can’t always predict the outcomes of a situation, no matter how careful we are.
    Your willingness to shoulder the responsibility for Leddy’s passing speaks to your love for her and your partner. Please be gentle with yourself, though. Allow yourself to grieve and feel all the emotions that come with it, but also remember to practice self-compassion.
    It’s clear that Leddy was loved deeply and lived a life full of love and care. Please hold onto those memories and the joy she brought into your life. It’s okay to miss her, and at the same time try not to let guilt overshadow the beautiful moments you shared.
    Lastly, please consider seeking support from friends, family, or professional counselling services. Grief can be a lonely journey, but having someone to walk with you can make it a little less so. You are most welcome to reach out to the Helpline on 1300 845 745 (8am – 8pm) for a conversation with a compassionate volunteer.

    Take care, and remember to be kind to yourself during this difficult time. The following resource may also be helpful and comforting.

    Losing a Pet

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