My mother died in my arms 2 weeks ago

[aaron]

Mum had a sudden worsening of her breathing and went straight into ICU. She was there 20 days trying to recover enough to get out and back home with us. On Monday 7th August at 3:26pm she stopped breathing and died in my arms in the ICU. Both my sister and father were there too.

I have never experienced this sort of grief even with other deaths in the family. It is all encompassing and even 2 weeks later I still am unable to think or concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes before thoughts of mum intrude and I feel my heart breaking all over again. I haven’t slept properly for over a month now. Even though I have started to see a counsellor once a week and have found it very helpful, I find it so hard to be alone and want to be able to talk about mum all the time. The house where I live now with dad we used to live there with mum as well. Dad is not coping very well either, and that adds to my concern as I fear for him as well. He is now a widower and says he feels there is no reason to keep living life. I could not bear to lose dad as well.

I have had to go back to work and I am finding that so difficult as I am always on hyper alert and stressed while being unable to think and much to slow at my job. I fear I will lose my job if I cannot begin to go back to normal. But nothing will go back to normal. Mum is gone and with that so is my anchor and rock. Dad doesnt talk and I need to. Mum and I used to talk all the time. Now there is an empty chair an a dark house.

I just dont know what to do or how to survive this nightmare.

Topic

[VMeddie2]

Good Morning Aaron, I hope you managed to get some sleep last night, I’m sorry that it was so late, and that the hotline was closed for the day. Please call today if you wish to have a chat about how you are feeling about your mum. I realise it’s been a while since you reached out to us here at Griefline but I’m glad you did. I want to let you know that what you are experiencing is very normal. It’s not uncommon for our grief to come back just as painfully and with the same intensity as when we first lost our loved one. Time doesn’t necessarily make grief smaller, after all our lives can never go back to the way they were before our loss. But what I find is that our lives grow around our grief, so it’s not surprising that you and your dad are having good and bad days still. I guess what I wanted to say is that what you’re experiencing is not unusual, grief doesn’t always have a destination, or an end. And how we grieve is a very personal journey, there is no right or wrong way to go about it.
I hope that you and your family have been able to spend time remember your mum over the time since she’s been gone, as hard as it is sometimes to think about the person we have lost and miss so much, sharing time with others who loved her too will keep her memory alive and with you.
Take time to feel what you are feeling, grief is exhausting at times, so give yourself the love and kindness you would give to a good friend. I wish you all the best.
And remember to give us a call here at griefline, we are here to listen.

[aaron]

Hi @Janaey

Thanks for your reply. I know it was ages ago, but as I just posted, I thought I had replied since then but clearly haven’t.

I confided with people at work, but I was not able to reach the goals they set, so when they higher ups decided they needed to cut headcount, my contract wasn’t renewed. Turns out I really couldn’t do the job anymore. I hope your experience went better. The last year has been really tough, but somehow I got through it. So did Dad. We both have days when it hits us extra hard. Today is one of those days for me, which is why I came back to read the forum. Its too late to right the hotline now, so I am watching tv to try to distract me from the knots inside. If you see this I would really like to know if you are doing ok.

Best regards,
Aaron

[aaron]

Hi @VMPatch,
Im looking at the forums again because Im having a tough time today particularly. I cant articulate it, but I miss mum a lot right now for some reason and it just aches.

I wanted to say thank you for replying back in ’23. I thought id written something here since then – Ive certainly come back to look – but I guess I didnt hit send. So Im correcting that now.

Aaron

[VM-The Old Oak Tree]

Hi Aaron and other community members,
I’m very sorry about your loss, and your continuing difficulties. Having read through this thread I get a strong sense of the tremendous bond that you shared with your mother. I want you to know that it is quite normal to be feeling this way and experiencing many difficulties such as your sleeping issues when you’ve suffered such a loss like this. And while there is no ‘timeline’ on grief as such, especially with the loss of someone so close, you are still very much in the early goings in terms of time. And I mean, of course you will always love your mother and have her in your heart and mind.
It is very admirable that you have been helping with the bushfires and have been approved for a medal. I congratulate you for that and I hope that it is something positive in your life right now. Maybe you can find a way to share this with your mother. Such as talking to her about it, wherever she is, or placing the medal with photographs of her when you receive it for example? For a lot of people it is helpful to find ways to continue the bond with the person that they’ve lost.
I want you to know that you are not alone. We are here for you at Griefline and you are also not alone in the sense that many other people who are grieving are feeling similar things to you. It really is normal to feel as though things aren’t getting better yet. But you are allowing yourself to feel the feelings which is positive, because that means you are grieving. Even though I can see that its been really difficult and is still very difficult for you.

We are here for you Aaron.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by VM-The Old Oak Tree.

[aaron]

It has been just over three months now since mum died. Sorry if this is hard to follow. I havent been sleeping well.

Everyone elses lives have gone back to normal. Moved on. Begun to forget.

Not mine. Not dads. Not my sisters.

I feel jealousy when I see others with their mothers. I feel envy when I hear them having good times. My eyes burn when I need support and mum isn’t there.

I got news that I was put forward for a medal (for the bushfires in NSW) and was approved. The first person I wanted to tell was mum. But I can’t. And it shook me to the core. She won’t be there for the ceremony. She won’t tell me she is proud of me. She can’t hear my story or hug me. Nevermore.

Im not coping at work. Too slow, distracted. Ive been told I may not be extended next year and will be unemployed again. If have to go back on disability, last time mum was the only thing that got me thru. This time I dont know how I will manage.

Id been concerned I was all cried out. Sad that I had no more tears to mourn with. Then today it was like being hit in the back of the head with a 2×4. And I once again can’t control the flow. Stress, fear, loss, grief, sadness.

Rather than getting easier with time, it feels like everything is getting even harder. I feel so alone.

[vrmaggie]

Hi Aaron and also jdunlop,

Thank you so much for sharing with us and with each other.

The loss of one’s mother, whatever the relationship, is up there with the greatest of grief experiences, aside from the loss of a child. Although we cannot measure grief, we experience it uniquely, individually and universally.

It is clear from both of your postings that you were blessed to have beautiful mothers who nurtured and loved you both deeply. You have inherited this compassion and love that you feel from them and are passing that gift onto others.

Aaron, it is heart wrenching and tragic that your mother died in your arms. But she chose your arms to pass in although others were present. That is a testament to your enduring love and continuing bond.

For you and jdundalop I send this poem.

Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there.
I did not die.

[jdunlop]

Hey Aaron. I feel for your situation. I lost my mum to cancer August 10, she was diagnosed August 1. The descriptions of how you are feeling is very similar to what I’m experiencing. I have all the same worries about work, the future, the past surfacing as traumatic memories of my time in hospital with her during those final days. I’m scared I won’t be able to fix myself because I have no energy, joy or motivation to draw upon. It feels like it happened so suddenly and change has been forced upon me and I have no anchor or rock anymore. My dad died when I was 8 years old, I’m 43 now, and this loss feels immeasurably worse as an adult and as mum’s only child. I am experiencing similar feelings of emptiness. I wish I could offer something of some use but I’m just letting you know there’s someone else here going through something similar. Best wishes

[vmremember]

Hi Aaron,
Everything you have talked about is a normal experience of grief and loss however the roller coaster of emotions does not make this experience any easier. The reality of grief is that it stays the same for people who are experiencing grief but it slowly changes as your life grows around the pain and grief experienced. Your love for your mum, the experiences, and the memories remain with you. At the same time, your life grows around that grief. It all takes time and it can be a painful and emotional roller coaster for you. It is good that you have a counsellor and that you reach out to griefline. Continue to take the small steps you need to take during this grieving period. Take care of yourself by remembering to engage in self-care activities like a walk, it is important to participate in these activities during this time. Remember, you are not alone, there are people to support you.

[aaron]

We got through the two months of constant family events. It feels like both a mere day has passed since mum died, and also like an eternity. Internally I’ve settled down, the worst of the volatility in the waves of grief having receded – for the moment at least. I’ve been seeing a counsellor one or two times a week. I wish my Dad would see someone but he doesn’t think he needs to. I disagree given the way he has acted several times when his emptions are heightened. I find that I have great difficulty being alone since Mum died. I never had much trouble being alone before, but now I have what feels like a growing hole in my centre without someone to talk to. I woke up this morning with an eagerness to tell mum all about something that happened to me last night. But she isn’t here. I find this sucks all the fun out of life and I cant spark interest at anything I did before. I am constantly drawn to worry about the future or thinking about the past. I cant remain in the present with myself. It feels empty.

[vmpercy]

Aaron, I can only imagine how intense your grief must feel, especially given the different coping mechanisms within your family. It sounds like talking has always been a comfort to you, and since that’s the case, have you considered journaling your feelings? Sometimes, writing can be therapeutic, and might even be useful for discussion in your counselling sessions.

It seems family traditions and upcoming events are painful reminders of your mum’s absence. Maybe it’s worth trying to integrate her memory into these occasions? Something like lighting a candle for her during family birthdays or even keeping a chair for her at the dinner table could not only honour her but also serve as a bridge between your and your dad’s different grieving styles.
We’d love to hear how you’re holding up, Aaron. Take it step by step.

[Author]

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