My little brother died in a car accident. I was the driver.

[sge01]

I was the driver in a single-vehicle car accident that occurred due to an overtake gone wrong. My family members and myself were in the car with seatbelts on and suffered almost no injuries. My precious little brother unfortunately was the only one not wearing a seatbelt and passed away on impact.

Other than my mother, he was the person I loved the most in this world. He was so empathetic, kind, gentle, loving and innocent. He had so many dreams and was such a remarkable boy. Knowing he won’t be able to live out those dreams and that he will not be in mine, my family and his friend’s future is deeply heartbreaking. He was so well-loved and liked. He was just an absolute gift of a brother and it was my absolute privilege to be his older sibling.

The grief and guilt comes in waves and can be overwhelming. It hurts seeing the heartbreak around me, knowing it all unfolded from my erroneous split second decision making. The waves of self-hatred, feelings of my needing to suffer in some ways and the if-onlys are strong. Dealing with audible hallucinations and other physical reactions was unexpected, but I am receiving therapy. Dealing with the moments of resentment from my parents and anger from certain external loved-ones is also something I have come to accept and there are moments where I don’t feel hated enough. There are moments where I want the feelings that others have towards me on the outside to match how I feel about myself on the inside.

As I said, I am receiving therapy and as a Christian, I’m praying to God, but it can be so difficult to not ask ‘Why God?’ during situations like this. My therapist tells me to forgive myself because it was an accident with certain factors out of my hand, but how do I truly do that? I was the driver. It was my responsibility at the end of the day. And at the end of the day my brother is still dead. How do I just move on with my life? Especially as the driver having to deal with the legal issues and possibility of imprisonment occurring from this accident. No punishment will be greater the the loss of my brother’s life. The worst has already occurred.

I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read and respond but I would particularly appreciate anyone who has accidently caused the death of a loved one, particularly via a car crash to please respond if they can.

Topic

[VM-Peace]

Hi sge01,

Thank you for sharing, it takes courage to reach out. Please know you can reach out anytime and you are not alone.

I can feel the pain and devastation in your words. It sounds like you had a close relationship with your brother and loved him deeply. From what you have shared you are struggling with feelings of guilt, regret and self-hatred and they are colliding with deep sadness and grief which under the circumstances are normal responses to losing someone so close to you.

You mentioned that you are experiencing audible hallucinations and other physical reactions which can all be normal reactions to an extremely traumatic event. It is good that you are seeking professional support to help you manage these. I would encourage you to continue with professional therapy.

Self-forgiveness can be difficult and takes time. I wonder if speaking to your Pastor or a Christian counsellor might be helpful for you to work through this process?

It is important to look after yourself when dealing with such intense emotional reactions and feelings. I have attached a link that you might find helpful https://griefline.org.au/resources/east-self-care-guide/

I would encourage you to keep talking about how you are feeling and if at any time you are feeling unsafe or having thoughts of harming yourself please call Emergency services on 000. Additionally there are several places that can support you.

Lifeline crisis support 13 11 14 (24hours)
Suicide call back service 1300 659 467

Keep in contact here, writing about how you are feeling can help you to navigate your thoughts and feelings in such a distressing time.

Take care of yourself

[VM_soulcat8]

Hi sge01,

I acknowledge your loss and pain. I recognise the difficult journey you have ahead of you as you walk with your loss and the aftermath of the accident. I have not been in the same situation; but a friend of mine died suddenly after following some advice that I had offered. In a very small way, I can appreciate all that you are dealing with. It’s good to hear that you have support in your faith and in a therapist. And, please, contact griefline, or the other helplines any time you don’t want to be alone or if the thoughts become too much in your head. When my friend died, it was devastating; but when I realised I had played a part in cutting short their life, I was broken and crushed. I didn’t know how I could ever come to terms with what had happened, even though it was completely unintentional. I would never have knowingly caused harm to anyone. Now, 5 years on, I look back with sadness, and I miss that beautiful friend. But, I have also found peace with the loss and the part I played. I was beyond grateful for those who loved me through those hard times. I hope that you can let others love and support you, even if that means finding new people outside your family and friends who can be there completely for you at this time. I pray you find a way to forgive yourself. I hope you can trust to keep walking each day and know that, one day, it won’t need to feel this bad.

[abc01]

Dear sge01,

After recently losing a significant loved one to circumstances out of my control, I would like to share something with you. It has been said to me before and truth resonates in it.

You didn’t get into the car that day with the intention to harm anyone or cause an accident. You didn’t get into the car that day to cause the death of your brother.

If you knew that was going to happen, there is NO way you would have let the day play out like that. Absolutely none.

I understand blame. I understand responsibility and blame. I understand self hate. I also understand when the one you love who passed had a part in their death too.(No offence is intentional in that sentence) It still doesn’t stop the thoughts. Blame and shoulda,coulda, woulda’s are a fight you can’t win. And at times when we don’t have the answers we need, we blame ourselves, because somehow it makes sense to do that.Taking it one day at a time is the only advice I can give you. I am glad you have faith. Sometimes bad things happen to wonderful people.

I hope you are looking after yourself, (And please don’t find any offence in my reply, it isn’t intended)
ABC01

[VM-alithos11]

Hi sge01,

As a deeply committed fellow in the Christian faith, I often find great comfort in reading the Psalms as well as the Book of Job in particular
the anguish of suffering, the worst kind of pain and a whole heap of other unfathomable questions.
Most importantly, it draws a very real human picture of reaching out to God and honestly thrashing it out with Him.
It’s very raw, very real scripture.

Peace to you.

• This reply was modified 3 weeks, 2 days ago by VM-alithos11. Reason: reflection upon reading it

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