My little brother died in a car accident. I was the driver.

[sge01]

I was the driver in a single-vehicle car accident that occurred due to an overtake gone wrong. My family members and myself were in the car with seatbelts on and suffered almost no injuries. My precious little brother unfortunately was the only one not wearing a seatbelt and passed away on impact.

Other than my mother, he was the person I loved the most in this world. He was so empathetic, kind, gentle, loving and innocent. He had so many dreams and was such a remarkable boy. Knowing he won’t be able to live out those dreams and that he will not be in mine, my family and his friend’s future is deeply heartbreaking. He was so well-loved and liked. He was just an absolute gift of a brother and it was my absolute privilege to be his older sibling.

The grief and guilt comes in waves and can be overwhelming. It hurts seeing the heartbreak around me, knowing it all unfolded from my erroneous split second decision making. The waves of self-hatred, feelings of my needing to suffer in some ways and the if-onlys are strong. Dealing with audible hallucinations and other physical reactions was unexpected, but I am receiving therapy. Dealing with the moments of resentment from my parents and anger from certain external loved-ones is also something I have come to accept and there are moments where I don’t feel hated enough. There are moments where I want the feelings that others have towards me on the outside to match how I feel about myself on the inside.

As I said, I am receiving therapy and as a Christian, I’m praying to God, but it can be so difficult to not ask ‘Why God?’ during situations like this. My therapist tells me to forgive myself because it was an accident with certain factors out of my hand, but how do I truly do that? I was the driver. It was my responsibility at the end of the day. And at the end of the day my brother is still dead. How do I just move on with my life? Especially as the driver having to deal with the legal issues and possibility of imprisonment occurring from this accident. No punishment will be greater the the loss of my brother’s life. The worst has already occurred.

I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read and respond but I would particularly appreciate anyone who has accidently caused the death of a loved one, particularly via a car crash to please respond if they can.

Topic

[VM-rose]

Hello @sge01, I am deeply sorry to hear about your brother. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. It sounds like you shared a close and special bond with your brother – so beautiful to hear.

I just want to acknowledge how much strength and courage it has taken for you to share your personal experience here on the Griefline forum. I also want to let you know that grief is a personal and unique experience for every individual and your feelings are completely natural. I am glad to hear that you are receiving therapy and that you are connected to your faith. I cannot imagine the amount of pain you are going through. All I can say is that we are here to listen and support you.

Maybe you could try writing down your thoughts and feelings. This is a great way to express yourself and release your emotions. It’s also important to engage in self-care practices and treat yourself with compassion. Engaging with a support network is also a very important aspect of the grieving process.

You can call the Griefline on 1300 845 745 between the hours of 8am and 8pm, 7 days a week. You can also request a callback at a time that suits you. Here is the Griefline resources page: https://griefline.org.au/resources.

There are some great insights in our Griefline articles:

Coping with Grief

Mindfulness for Grief

Experiences of Grief

The Different Types of Grief

Continue to keep in touch through this online forum and take care of yourself. We are here to listen and support you.

[VM_daffodilduck]

sge01, first, I would like to acknowledge your courage and grace with how beautifully you have expressed yourself, your emotions, and your connection with your brother. Reaching out to seek support can be difficult as having relatability can make us feel like we are not alone in our experiences. It is important to highlight this: you are not alone, and your feelings are part of your grieving process.

Your words make it clear that your brother was an important person in your family. His compassionate and loving nature was a gift that will be missed but carried on through loving memories by you and your family. The journey toward self-forgiveness will be long and complex, but it does morph and change as we continue through our grieving journey. It sounds like your therapist is working with you on this, which is important. Self-forgiveness isn’t about erasing the past or letting go of your love for him; rather, it’s about finding a way to live in a way that honors him and the love you shared. That process may include small steps toward remembering that your intentions were never to harm and that you’ve carried this weight with a profound sense of responsibility, empathy, and grief.
The pain, the anger from others, and the overwhelming waves of guilt you’re feeling are all understandable, but please know that these intense emotions are part of the grieving process, for them and for you—they don’t define your worth.

It’s also okay to question, to feel anger, and to search for meaning even if answers aren’t immediately clear. Many people find that turning to faith in these times brings moments of peace amidst the storm, and even though it can feel difficult to avoid asking “Why, God?” in moments like these, you might find it grounding to ask for the strength to endure each day and to trust in a future where pain becomes more manageable. If your faith is strong, then rely on it and use it to your advantage, reach out to people above, whether that is priests, pastors, preachers, and most importantly, God. Remember, you are not alone.
Permit yourself to grieve without any expectations. Feel the warmth and love you have for your brother and how you will miss him, it was and still is a privilege to share a love for him and be loved by him.

Thank you for sharing your personal story, and remember you can monitor this post, additionally, you can reach out to Griefline through our telephone service and book a call for a more tailored conversation with experienced volunteers/staff.

P.S. I will provide added resources that I hope may benefit you.

Road Trauma Support Services (VIC) now known as Amber Community
Free face-to-face and telephone counselling sessions for anyone affected by collision on the roads. A referral is not required to access their services.
Counselling services are for bereaved families, friends and colleagues; injured people and carers; drivers and passengers; and people who were first on scene – witnesses, citizens who offered assistance, and emergency service workers.
• Phone: 1300 367 797
• Website: https://rtssv.org.au/

Blue Knot Foundation
• Phone: 1300 657 380
• Website: blueknot.org.au
• Hours: 9.00am to 5.00pm AEST, Monday – Sunday

Beyond Blue
• Phone: 1300 224 636 / chat also available via website
• Website: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/
• Hours: 24/7

[Author]

Replies