My husband died last week.

[Danna]

My husband has been unwell for the last 18 months. Originally a twisted bowel, then diagnosed with bladder cancer.

He beat the cancer, but the chemo and radiation therapy, along with with treatment for other conditions took its toll.

He fought for so long, but in the end I had to let him go. It is so hard being on my own after all these years. We did not have children and I was an only child, so now all I can see is empty years ahead.

Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with grief and life in general.

Topic

[Ros]

Dear Danna
I am so sorry for your loss. My husband passed away on November 5th 2021 also from his cancer. Nearly 5 years ago he was diagnosed with a brain tumour. It was the secondary and was successfully removed. However the doctors believed it came from Pete’s lungs. He never complained, tolerated 4 years of continuous treatment until about 3 months ago when he became even more ill. This time it had gone into his liver. After spending 2 weeks in hospital he came home on November the 1st and with the help of palliative care I cared for him here at home until he passed on November 5th.

I totally understand what you say about feeling you are betraying his memory by throwing out stuff. Some stuff I can get rid of, others I just can’t. Everywhere I look I see him and our little dog who is 14 is also grieving his loss big time. I live on acreage and the loneliness is overwhelming at times. We had built this place into a nature reserve by planting many trees and hopefully making it a sanctuary for birds and wildlife. This is his legacy.

Facing what lies ahead is really daunting and so hard to imagine without him, but one of the last things he said to me was “I am so so proud of you, you are the love of my life, but for goodness sake do not feel sorry for yourself.” Whenever I do feel sorry for myself, I try and remember those words. By god it’s hard.

Thinking of you Danna. As someone said to me “you will not get over this, but you will get through it.”

[Danna]

Please forgive me for not responding earlier. I am trying to take each day as it comes, but it is very difficult. A bill comes in to be paid, or a text comes up on his phone and I miss him all over again.

I try not to think about the future as it just seems pointless.

I have decided to get a pet, a rescue dog, something that needs me as much as I will need them. I can’t stand being in our house alone.

I throw out his old magazines, I have no use for them, but I feel like I am betraying him, like I am wiping away his existence. I miss him so much.

[onlinecommunity]

Dear @Danna,

Welcome to the forums. Our hearts go out to you at this terribly difficult time. It sounds like you had a very special and close relationship with your husband – the two of you forging your own life together. We can only imagine how hard it must be for you after all the years you spent together. ❤️

Were you caring for your husband during his 18 months of treatment? The stress and strain of caring for a gravely ill spouse are intense and now coming to terms with his loss would only compound your grief. So, it’s no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed with life in general. Be gentle on yourself and don’t expect too much.

You mention seeing empty years ahead, but right now it’s probably best not to look too far into the future. When we torment ourselves with things that are out of our control it can make everything feel overwhelming. Try to remind yourself that all you need to do is get through each day. Over time the days will become easier to navigate and the future will sort itself out.
While you don’t have family, do you have friends you can reach out to? Our article on Coping With Grief has lots of tips, one of them being ‘Force yourself to be around people and do things – even when it feels too hard. Try to have at least one thing in your calendar every day, along with a back-up.’ If this feels like too much at the moment there are lots of other tips in the article which may be helpful. You can find the article here.
And for your own self-care perhaps some mindfulness may help with the overwhelm. Our ‘Tools for Rest and Relaxation‘ page has some excellent resources. If you’re not a fan of mindful breathing you can try journaling or writing as healing, or try the ‘reflecting on positive experiences’ recording which helps take your mind to a peaceful place to give you some moments of reprieve.


@Danna we hope these coping strategies will be of some help. Most of all we hope that you feel our support. As @Possumpie says – you don’t have to feel alone here. We are here for you.

[Possumpie]

I’m so sorry to hear you’re husband pass I lost my dad a few months back to throat cancer. I’m an only child as well I know how isolating it is. You don’t have to feel alone here

[Author]

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